Im finding it difficult forgiving a good friend who will not repay a loan


#1

I was just recently informed by a good friend that he will not repay a $3000 loan I made to him a few months ago. Because of an unrelated argument (not concerning the money) he snapped and simply said that he will not repay. I think he used the argument as a convenient excuse to renege on a loan I know he wouldnt be able to pay back for quite some time.

Do I have an obligation to forgive and forget and resume the friendship? How can I forgive when the other party is obstinate and not even requesting such forgiveness?

I’ve known this individual for over 20 yrs and I cannot believe that a good friendship could so easily unravel.

As a footnote, I loaned him cash so do not believe I even have grounds to take him to small claims court.


#2

My father taught me long ago not to loan money to friends lest you discover how much they consider the friendship worth.

My advice would be to simply forgive them and move on.
You do not have to foster a friendship to foster forgiveness.

They ended the frienship, not you. And for the sum of $3,000 at that.


#3

[quote="blaskoman, post:1, topic:181356"]
I was just recently informed by a good friend that he will not repay a $3000 loan I made to him a few months ago. Because of an unrelated argument (not concerning the money) he snapped and simply said that he will not repay. I think he used the argument as a convenient excuse to renege on a loan I know he wouldnt be able to pay back for quite some time.

Do I have an obligation to forgive and forget and resume the friendship? How can I forgive when the other party is obstinate and not even requesting such forgiveness?

I've known this individual for over 20 yrs and I cannot believe that a good friendship could so easily unravel.

As a footnote, I loaned him cash so do not believe I even have grounds to take him to small claims court.

[/quote]

The situation you describe is painful in two ways. First, you are out money that you expected you'd get back. Second, you've been betrayed by a friend, for whom you thought you were being a good friend.

My guess is that your assessment is right on. Your friend is too embarrassed to come right out and say they are not able to pay the money back. No doubt, that is a hard and humbling place to be. Wouldn't you rather be sitting where you are rather than where (he/she) is? I am not excusing the behavior. I would have more respect for someone who came to me and said, "Hey, can you give me some more time..." At least,the friendship would still be viable.

So, we've established that you have been hurt in the heart and in the pocketbook. What should you do about it now?

First, forgive your friend. I know it's hard, but the sooner you act with the will to forgive this person, the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life. Second, pray. Take your pain and your hurt to God and ask Him to make something better for you and your friend. God is really good at this! Third, look at this as a charitable donation to someone in need. We are called to share our time, treasure and talent for the glory of God. Offer this up as a moment in time when Jesus was present to you and (unlike the innkeeper) you opened your heart and your pocketbook to him. Do it with joy in your heart. Knowing that another human being has been aided by virtue of your sacrifice should give you peace.

And lastly, pray for your friend. Pray that God may forgive them. Pray that they may know God in heaven one day. Pay for their future prosperity that they may even repay you one day. Most people would react with anger and vengeance. If you did, no one would blame you. But as followers we are called to something else. And in the end that something else will give you peace.

May God bless you and aid you through this trial...


#4

I believe you have gotten very sound advice. When you lend to family or friends you must always do it with the knowledge that it may not be paid back. Unfortunately that is a reality. I know this is a large sum of money but you were definitely blessed that you had it available to lend. You must also consider what is more hurtful the loss of a friend or the loss of money? I agree that you should pray and give it to God. That way you can get the pain and hurt our of your mind and heart. It is sad when people we love betray us. But remember to give mercy is to receive mercy. Think of the times when you have betrayed God and despite all of that HE will take you back each and every time. A hard comparison I know but the truth in the simplest form. Forgive and move on. Take it as a lesson learned.:shrug:


#5

Difficult situation.
Lets take the component parts.
You “loaned” money - Jesus probably would tell you that you should “give” the money and not expect repayment.
Your “friend” is no saying he will not repay -
Two possibilities here,

  1. He cannot repay and is too embarrassed to say so and is using the fight as an excuse. I find this unlikely in a friend of 20 years.
  2. He is using the money as a “dig” or “revenge” stemming from the argument. I find this idea more likely.

Do you have an obligation to forgive the debt? As a Christian, I would say yes you do.
Do you have an obligation to continue the friendship? Not so long as you don’t harbor ill will toward this person. You can forgive them and then go your seperate ways.

If this is a person whom you truly love and wish to have a relationship with I would suggest this. Write a letter, containing the following:
Friend,
I am heartbroken that we have had the falling out over … and know that you too feel hurt, and even angry as well. Your friendship means more to me than any debt that is owed between us and will freely gladly forego repayment of the $3000 if such will help.
The money that I gave you was given in friendship and in Christian fellowship. I am more than willing to forego repayment in the same fellowship. There may come a time in the future when I, or another of your friends, would have need of asking you for help and I would hope that you would be as generous with them.
This may not be well written, but I wanted to get the ideas down and then you could put it in your own words.
The point being that You are not so much cncerned about the money as you are about both his and your souls.

Peace
James


#6

you have 3 factors here
your own peace of mind and spiritual health
your friendship with this individual
the money

rank them in order of your own priorities–which is most important to you at this time

if #3, sue him in small claims court, which will cost you money and likely avail nothing, but will yield you a very comforting source of resentment and bitterness you can cherish for the rest of your life

if #2 write a statement to him formally forgiving the debt and have it notarized and send it with a note asking forgiveness for the quarrel and hope your friendship will continue

if #1, do the aforesaid and also pray every day for the grace to forgive and forget

No matter which course you follow, if any of those 3 are important to you, resolve to never ever lend money to a friend or relative. You either make a gift if you have it, or say no if you can’t afford it.


#7

I agree that a lawsuit is a lose-lose situation.

I would consider the money gone and the friendship over. Forgive and forget isn’t an easy thing to do. It will take time and prayer, but eventually you can be able to forgive him.

Methinks that if you put your thoughts in a letter and send it, it may help toward the process of being able to forgive him. It may take several drafts to craft a message that sends the message of disappointment in his actions rather than anger over them.

Life lesson learned too. Never loan money without an a signed agreement on paper, and even so never lend money that you’re not prepared to lose.


#8

You expressed what I tried to say but did it much better than I did. :thumbsup::thumbsup:

Peace
James


#9

I completely agree with this. (Although I would go with the #1 possibility more than the #2)

Everything else I agree with.

Mine is perhaps not worded as well:

Dearest friend,
I know you have been hurt by our argument. Please know that from my end our friendship has no price and no debt. If you can ever repay the money that I have no regrets about loaning you, then fine – either partially or eventually, fully. But know that our friendship is what I treasure from you and is not “on loan.” (“Where your heart is, there also your treasure will be.”) Please let us make amends. Even if you don’t need to repair our relationship, I do, and could use that from you.
Awaiting your reply,
E.

(It occurred to me that Jesus “tells” us this repeatedly, as individuals.)


#10

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