I'm glad they broke up


#1

My daughter had been dating for about 4 months a young man who I thought was very nice. They’re both entering their senior year in high school. His parents were doing a good job, I thought, in raising him; early curfew, no MTV, has to check in with his mother whenever he arrives/leaves someplace, etc…

He just broke up with my daughter last week but a few weeks ago, she told me some very disturbing things, including the fact that he began masturbating when he was in sixth grade and that at some point along the way, he became addicted to porn. He told her that since they began going out, he stopped watching porn.

I am glad for my daughter’s sake that they broke up and I will talk with her over time to get her to see hopefully, why his habits were detrimental to a relationship. But, I feel bad for him that he’ll probably go back to watching porn. I know there’s nothing I can do directly, is there? Am I obligated to talk to his parents about this? I have prayed to St Joseph for him in the past and will continue to do so…


#2

It depends HOW close you are to the parents you are. They might not feel the same way about porn as you do, they might think it’s not big deal. If they do think it’s a big deal, then make sure they handle it the right way. Don’t just scream at the poor kid. He’s 18. Allowed to make some mistakes.


#3

Great points! I’ve only met his parents a couple of times. I assume they view pornography in a similar way as I do because they do keep a tight leash on him, regarding TV channels he can’t watch, etc. But, I don’t know them well enough to know how they’ll react. Looks like I just need to reinforce with my daughter why he wasn’t making good choices and I will continue to pray for him.


#4

I’m happy he stopped watching porn while dating. That is a sign he was taking the relationship seriously. May the Lord deliver him from all evil.


#5

Tough one. I would lean towards not telling them, mostly because you don’t know them well enough. Plus it sounds like either they know or will find out because they are close…

It’s odd that he would tell your daughter all that.


#6

Is this young man Catholic? If not then this shouldn’t even be considered, talking with his parents that is because no other group to my knowledge feels this is wrong. When I was still a Presbyterian it was freely encouraged to help one remain chaste until marriage and even after if necessary to help resist temptation. Even if he is Catholic I would suggest praying for him to be the best response.

Even when I was a teenager there was the old joke that 99% of men masturbate and the other 1% lies. Someone a few weeks ago suggested that most men don’t talk about this, I find that hard to believe as everyone I knew growing up - Catholic or not, freely admitted to it. (this was the 80s, no internet porn yet). With how open our society has become about sexuality I can’t see most young men denying it, even to their parents.

This is the same reason that many Priests, at least the ones I have met, do not consider it a mortal sin in most cases because it’s an addiction which is a mitigating factor for teenage boys. I’m not here to argue if it is or isn’t but we have to remember the requirements for something to be a mortal sin. If that is even in question at all, I wouldn’t broach the subject with his parents.

The porn of course is another issue but there is no way to prove either… I would think that St. Joseph’s intercession would help more than talking with his parents.

My 2 cents…

Joe


#7

You know…it is not uncommon for young men to struggle with this. It does not make it right…but as far as telling his parents, they may already be aware or may already suspect. I am not sure the humiliation of his ex-girlfriend’s parents telling his parents is good for his development. The fact that he is raised very strictly and told your daughter that he was trying to stop, or had stopped, shows that he already knows the harm it causes. It would be a different story if he had said it braggingly or tried to encourage your daughter to do it also…then he would need an intervention but it sounds like he is batting his own demons. I think praying to St. Joseph for his is an excellent idea.


#8

I believe he did take the relationship seriously but because he had watched the porn, he wanted to try some of the stuff that he saw. I won’t go into details but as I said, I’m glad the relationship is over.

Joe, masturbation is not a good thing if gets out of control and/or leads to needing even more stimulation, i.e. porn. I’ve known guys who grow to need masturbation so much, they do it at work in the men’s room. He is a cultural Catholic, i.e. he’s received baptism and first communion but he’s not a practicing Catholic so I don’t think he’s worried about it being a mortal sin. He’s the one who told my daughter that he was addicted to porn. Those weren’t my daughter’s words… It’s obviously something that concerns him. I was upset when I heard this because I thought my daughter was ‘safe’ with him. She was his first real girlfriend.

They were very close and talked about a lot of things. Kids today are very open about all the ‘stuff’ they’ve done… Too much so, in my opinion…

So, yes, I’ve decided that I can’t talk to his parents about this but it makes me sad. Not that I didn’t already know it but this just reinforces my opinion that today’s culture is a cesspool.


#9

Wait…he wanted to try things he saw…with your daughter?! Praise be to God that this is over!!!


#10

Tell me about it! She told me this in the car as I was driving somewhere. I’m glad I didn’t go off the road! Shortly thereafter, he broke his leg and so I knew she would be safe, at least temporarily, till I could talk to her about why these activities were not good.

I bet some of you are wondering why I didn’t just tell her to break up with him… She’s heading off to college soon and I’m not going to be there. She needs to learn how to handle these things. Thank God I got her the Jason Evert DVD, Romance Without Regret, when she was in eighth grade. She still watches it from time-to-time…


#11

You know what…the fact that your daughter felt comfortable enough to tell you what the situation was is such a testimony to the fact that you are doing something right! I think it is very rare for girls to tell their moms info like this, even if they have done nothing wrong, out of fear that there mom will over-react or make them feel embarrassed. I am really impressed to hear that you and your daughter can chat about this at an age when teens are known for being secretive.
Jason Evert is awesome…his words are truly a gift from God to the current generation.


#12

Unfortunately many men and women don’t know that porno and masturbation is a sin… One of my friends does it on a daily basis because she doesn’t want to sleep around… She’s Catholic and she didn’t know that…Not only that but she goes and takes communion every sunday… After we spoke she was so down on herself and I didn’t mean to tell her what I learned about the masturbation thing and the not being able to take Communion unless you confessed and repented you know?! I felt bad for her but I think she’s improving on herself with that situation…

I didn’t know it was a sin too since my parents thought it was great for the boys, to sleep around etc…and these are strong practicing Catholics… :shrug:

So many don’t really know it’s wrong and they just live with it…some men and women as soon as they are dating stop all together and dedicate strictely to their partners without being sexual…

Just pray for the boy, I am sure all will be ok…


#13

Many Catholics don’t know that this is a sin because priests never talk about it anymore and the culture is a cesspool. Today’s culture equates sex with food, i.e. both are necessary (on a daily basis?) to survive.

You did your friend a favor in the long run by talking to her about it. Ignorance is not bliss. Now she can take that knowledge and move forward.


#14

I agree Mercy, you are obviously doing things right Cat!


#15

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