I'm heartbroken


#1

I don’t really know why I’m posting here. I guess I just need to talk.

I’m scared that I won’t ever have a baby. I’m only eighteen, and I know that I shouldn’t worry about that, but I feel like my future is “compromised”, if I can call it this way. My parents were not Catholic. They split up when I was eleven. My dad cheated on my mom. It made me so sad, and incredibly angry. I know he cheated on her, and not on me, but it had a huge impact on my life. Because of him, I am terrified of boys/men. I mean, how can you trust them?! I know some of them are okay, but there are really not a lot of good, Catholic guys out there. Besides, how could a man ever love me? I’m not pretty. I don’t look my age. I’m heartbroken. I want children! I want a family! I want to be happy! But I’m so scared… I don’t know if I’m ever going to actually BE happy…

My grandfathers, both of them, cheated on my grandmothers, too. One of my grandmas has three sisters: well, believe it or not, all four of their husbands cheated on them. It’s CRAZY. It’s unbelievable.

As I said, I don’t know exactly why I’m posting here - I’m already seeing a therapist to discuss all of this. Maybe I just need compassion, or prayers, or testimonies from people who went through something simliar. I don’t know.

Thank you. God bless.

Meggie


#2

You need to stay close to the Christ in the Eucharist and continue seeing your therapist.


#3

welcome the forums
you are not your parents or grandparents
their sins and mistakes are not your sins or mistakes
nothing about their past bad behavior condemns or predisposes you to the same problems
your goal should be the job of late adolescence and early adulthood, learning your own identity and what God wants of you for your life, learning your vocation, your own spiritual growth in knowledge, faith and practice, and learning to form godly friendships and relationships. We learn from the past generations, even negatively, but we do not have to emulate them, even though we still have to honor our parents, but we respect them when they command respect. Pray for them, and resolve to set a better example for your own children.


#4

Hey Meggie, it sounds like the women in your family have a history of choosing bad men. You don’t have to settle for anyone. Eighteen is very young and if you continue to worry you will be stealing life-time from yourself. There is a lot of fun to be had in this world! Fortunately, you don’t have to be in a relationship to experience it. There are few people in this world that don’t end up finding someone to be with. Last April I ended a 4 year long relationship with a woman I planned to marry. I though that was the end of it (after all I was 24 years old, practically an old man!). Now I’m in a wonderful and holy relationship with a beautiful Catholic woman. Unfortunately, I robbed myself of so much immediately after my relationship ended. I worried about meeting someone that would forgive my past mistakes. I worried that I would end up alone. But what did that worrying get me? It made me terribly sad but didn’t produce even the smallest positive outcome. You know what my current girlfriend says she likes about me? That I’m laid back, easy going and spontaneous. I don’t sweat the small stuff as much as I did a year ago. At that time I felt very insecure because the woman I was planning to marry pulled the rug out from under me. After getting back on my feel I can honestly say that life is GOOD. It was good even before I began my newest relationship. I truly believe that my girlfriend is attracted to me because I am confident and secure.

Now I know that my story doesn’t really relate much to yours. Hopefully you’ll find something worth while in it. Just know that your life is going to change A LOT in the next few years. It was almost certainly be different than you imagine it now. Focus on growing closer to God and become a mature Catholic woman. Men will be attracted to you for it. The Lord will never let you down. And when you meet men please remember that if they remind you of your father, grandfathers or uncles that you really should stay away from them. Break the cycle. There are many good men out there. God bless you!


#5

This ^

Mass, Eucharistic Adoration and a strong/intimate relationship with Jesus is all you should be concerned about. Everything else will fall into place when you put God first. All cares and worries will feel like wasted energy once you have reached the peace that God brings through prayer through Adoration etc.

/thread


#6

I can’t say I know ur situation, because I don’t…my parents have been together for a long time, but other members of my family have has spouses who cheated on them (both of my grandparents on on their 5th marriage), and I’ve seen how hard it is for my cousins whose parents are involved.

All I can say is that just because that happened to your parents or grandparents doesn’t mean its will happen to you. Lets face it, you can’t control every aspect of your life…but you CAN do your best in finding a man who will love you and who is trustworthy…hopefully someone who puts God first in his life :slight_smile: you deserve that. A lot of women end up “settling” for losers (for lack of a better word) because they don’t want to be alone…they sell themselves short.

I want to be happy! But I’m so scared… I don’t know if I’m ever going to actually BE happy

When you say that, I do know exactly how you feel. I’m only 19, hardly older than you…and I’ve been there…maybe we all have :blush:. There have been times when I’ve felt my whole world was crashing in around me. Its not fun. I know :frowning: But just remeber that God is stronger than feelings. Feelings like happiness and sadness change all the time…but Gods love and plan for you never does, it’s constant and unchanging.

Message me if you want to talk :slight_smile:


#7

kib, thanks for sharing. It does relate to what Meggie is feeling. And it warmed my heart to read your post.
Meggie I can only pray that you will find, and be found by, someone as faithful as my husband has been for 43 years, and that my sons are to their wives…also my brothers.
Your family has suffered too much. Time to change the mold…
and we are our worst judges of what is 'pretty or ‘beautiful’. I wish I’d known how sweet and fresh and wholesome that girl who looks out of photos of me when I was your age, because maybe I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself or had self esteem issues!

As kib said…and nothing convinces others of your ‘worth’ than a kind, cheerful, pleasant person…which maybe you don’t think you can be, but you will in the end surprise yourself! It takes time. You sound a sweet girl, and good-hearted.

Take this promise of God in the bible for yourself:

*“No need to recall the past, *
*no need to think about what was before. *
*See I am doing a new deed, *
even now, it comes to light; can you not see it?
*Yes, I am making a road in the wilderness, *
paths in the wild.”
[Isaiah 43:1819]


#8

You need a spiritual director and a confessor. Strive to be holy and i’m sure God has plans for you. Whatever your future is, accept it. Face sufferings with great surrender to the Will of God, it is our way to God.

The fact that you are posting here means you are starting to follow the inspirations by God. Choose your future husband well. Look at your previous generations as a lesson for you, not an omen. God is talking to you through them.

As other posts said, keep the Eucharist as your daily food but make sure you are “clean” (read: in a State of Grace) before receiving them. Read the story of the saints whose experience is close to yours. St. Augustine, etc.

Don’t look for happiness, look for straight and moral life. Happiness is a consequence, not the end itself.

May the angels and saints keep your holy intention till the end.


#9

Meggie,

I’m not sure why I’m posting either… because you may not want to hear this, but I feel compelled and so I’ll post. I’m more than twice your age, and though I’ve yet to meet someone that has all the qualities I am hoping for in a spouse, I am still hopeful. But I am more concerned that God is first in my life and it has been a great life so far. Children may or may not be part of my life’s plan (though other people’s children have been daily entrusted to me in different ways as I work in a school). What I do know is that I love children and have found ways over the years to make them part of my life - whether it has been volunteering in the church nursery, or helping a friend who needed some time to nap while I watched her boys.

I may be too old to have children, but I am not ruling out adopting children if I get married some day and we both agree that is what we want. I’ve recently even had an operation that could have ended in my being unable to have children but God saw me through it and so there is still the possibility and I will leave the rest in His hands.

In any case I don’t see the last 25 years as wasted or having missed out (though I will confess there have been times I’ve wished with many of those same desires and aches I hear in your post). I’ve had a chance to do many incredible things including living overseas in China and learning to scuba dive. And most importantly, I’ve had time to draw closer and closer to God, and most recently learn about the Catholic faith, get questions answered I’ve had all my life and discover true apostolic succession… so that Easter I will share in the Eucharist in a way I’ve never experienced before. Perhaps all of it has been in part simply so that I would marry a Catholic … just let God lead your life as He has led me.


#10

Though my situation isn’t exactly like yours, I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family. I love them all, but when I was 18 I also had trouble trusting anyone (especially men) and worried that I’d never find someone to marry and have children with. I’d dated, but never had a relationship. I was shy and didn’t think I was attractive.

Ten years later, things are much different. There are good men out there, and I found one. I trust him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. At first, we did have some problems because I didn’t trust him, and I had no reason not to. Over time he’s proven to be trustworthy in every way.

It seems to me from your post that your two main issues are trust and confidence. Regarding trust, I’d say that even though you’ve had some bad male examples in your life, you can learn to trust someone. You know what to stay away from now. When you begin dating someone, be cautious but not so cautious that you are punishing him for the mistakes the men in your family have made. When he calls when he said he would, shows up on time, cares for your feelings, and shows a genuine interest in you, you will begin to trust him a little. As time goes on, if he is a good man he’ll prove it to you and you’ll be able to trust him more and more. Of course, there’s never 100% guarantee that someone isn’t going to cheat. But I think in order to marry someone you have to believe in them and treat it a little bit like your faith.

Another thing to remember is that if you truly want to do what God has planned for you, ask Him to show you what that is. If you are called to marriage, he will lead you to the right guy as long as you make choices consistent with what is good. If you don’t trust God first, it’s going to be very hard to trust a man.

And none of this is going to matter if you don’t see yourself as someone who is worthy of a boyfriend, marriage, or children. You ask how a man could ever love you and say you’re not pretty. I used to feel the same way. But the truth is, most of us are just average looking. Physical attraction is important, but it’s not everything. People become infinitely more attractive when you love them. Carry yourself well and be who you are and it won’t matter if you’re not a supermodel. I’m certainly not, and I consider my boyfriend to be more attractive than I am, but if he thinks I’m attractive I’m not going to argue. :slight_smile:

I guess what I’m saying is I used to feel similarly. As I got older and sort of grew into myself and grew closer to God, everything else fell into place. There are good men out there, and they aren’t as scarce as you’d think :slight_smile:


#11

Put your focus on Christ. Everything else will happen from that relationship. God first, all else next. Use the rosary. Go to Mass. Get right inside, go to confession. Discern if you are called to be married and be a parent, but take it one step at a time. Of course you haven’t seen those good young men, your vision is clouded by the cheating males in your family. But you can clean your glasses, so to speak, and keep praying for the husband God has determined is right for you, if that is what you are called to do. You sound like a sweet-hearted young lady. I will add you to my prayers.


#12

I may not have had a bad family history like yours but only until a few years ago, I felt proud that my parents were what I’d call a ‘Hole-in-One’ couple (at least from my mother’s perspective). I can still remember the day when my mom proudly said to me that my dad was her first and only boyfriend. And even before that, it was always my deepest wish to be the same. I did not like the idea of wasting my time away, my life away on constantly getting girlfriends only to break up with them afterwards. I wanted (and still want) God to give me a Hole-in-One when it came to love and marriage. I was very proud of how my parents seemed to stick together unlike the many sad stories of my friends and classmates whose parents were well, kinda like yours.

That all ended a few years ago when my mom caught my dad cheating on her.

It was during a time when our family was in a bit of a financial bind (which is another long story that I cannot relay here right now). I was probably just a few years older than you are now. From that moment on, I lost faith in my family and I didn’t know if I should believe in any piece of advice they gave me since then. Everything was on the verge of falling apart. Thank God (seriously, I thank God) that it didn’t get worse. My parents didn’t split up but nothing was ever really the same for all four of us, their children. Our strong image of our family, which we had held up so proudly for many years, was broken.

However, there really comes a point in our age when we realize this: We are not our family. What happened in my family only served to helped me to more fully embrace this principle. Since then, these words could never be louder in my head: “I am not my father.”

The same can go for you.

You are not your family. You’re you.

You may have your mom’s hair or your dad’s eyes… but your heart, your soul. They’re your own.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose to be different from them.

I know I am.


#13

[quote="kib, post:4, topic:228120"]
Hey Meggie,** it sounds like the women in your family have a history of choosing bad men. ** You don't have to settle for anyone. Eighteen is very young and if you continue to worry you will be stealing life-time from yourself. There is a lot of fun to be had in this world! Fortunately, you don't have to be in a relationship to experience it. There are few people in this world that don't end up finding someone to be with. Last April I ended a 4 year long relationship with a woman I planned to marry. I though that was the end of it (after all I was 24 years old, practically an old man!). Now I'm in a wonderful and holy relationship with a beautiful Catholic woman. Unfortunately, I robbed myself of so much immediately after my relationship ended. I worried about meeting someone that would forgive my past mistakes. I worried that I would end up alone. But what did that worrying get me? It made me terribly sad but didn't produce even the smallest positive outcome. You know what my current girlfriend says she likes about me? That I'm laid back, easy going and spontaneous. I don't sweat the small stuff as much as I did a year ago. At that time I felt very insecure because the woman I was planning to marry pulled the rug out from under me. After getting back on my feel I can honestly say that life is GOOD. It was good even before I began my newest relationship. I truly believe that my girlfriend is attracted to me because I am confident and secure.

Now I know that my story doesn't really relate much to yours. Hopefully you'll find something worth while in it. Just know that your life is going to change A LOT in the next few years. It was almost certainly be different than you imagine it now. Focus on growing closer to God and become a mature Catholic woman. Men will be attracted to you for it. The Lord will never let you down. And when you meet men please remember that if they remind you of your father, grandfathers or uncles that you really should stay away from them. Break the cycle. There are many good men out there. God bless you!

[/quote]

Hi... thank you for your testimony. :)

I'm quoting your post, but it could have been any of those posts when people said: "the women in your family have a history of choosing bad men", or something like it. You see, I don't understand. They didn't choose bad men. I'm pretty sure that my maternal grandma didn't marry her husband knowing that he was an alcoholic. In fact, he probably wasn't when they first got married! He became one after. Plus, my other grandma surely had no idea that the father of their children would abandon them without giving any money at all. Both my grandmothers, when they got married, loved their husbands (I know that for a fact) and they were convinced that they would never hurt them, never cheat on them. They didn't choose bad men voluntarily. How can I be sure that a man will always be good, will always love God, and so on??


#14

I don’t mean to be disrespectful at all, but… isn’t that a bit easy to say? I go to mass (alone) every Sunday, and I try to pray everyday, but it seems like my pain is just too strong, no matter what I do. :frowning:


#15

Thank you. I very much agree with your message. I will offer up my suffering to God and continue to try to live a “good” life, and I hope that peace and happiness will come with it.

I have a question, though. You say I need a confessor. I go to confession, like every good Catholic should do, and usually go once a month or so. I just need to know why you’re pointing this out specifically. Do you think I commited a sin? By being angry or something?

Thanks :slight_smile:


#16

I am very grateful. I wish I could answer each and every one of you! Your testimonies touched me, challenged me, and opened up my eyes. Thank you is not a strong enough word! :o

Love,

Meggie


#17

Meggie, don’t worry, you are so young.
My father cheated on my mother, my grandfather to my grandmother. I had my heart broken when i was younger by a boy who pretented he wants to marry me and then dumped me. I am not the prettiest, I am a little fat, I don’t even know how to dress elegantly.
I am happily married now :slight_smile: and i found a nice, serious Catholic boy :smiley: who loves me for being myselfs: crazy, funny, loving, faithful, smart.
It is your personality that matters, not how you look. And you judging yourself too much. I very much doubt that you are not pretty, that you don’t have a beauty of your own.


#18

Dear Meggie.

My parents have been married for over 50 years. They have always been Christian, they have always been best friends, since their childhood.
Both my sisters have husbands have been married for some years and there has been no instances of unfaithfulness.
Only one… my brother in law, a young man… his mother was unfaithful for some years quite openly. Because her husband was always absent minded and she felt alone with everything… this is her excuse, which of course never helps. That has also damaged the lives of their children, however they all have beautiful families of their own now, and no one got divorced.
So I agree with the posters here, if you do your best to find a really good man and you get to know him totally well for a good while before you marry him, there is no reason he would fail you.
Its also important for me to say… God prepares you and makes you ready in time, so dont worry. You are still so young. Your perspective will get bigger and more in control, and also time will make past wounds more bearable.

Peace to you


#19

The thing is, you can’t be completely sure.

It may well be that all the women in your family took the time they needed to get to know the men they married. Spent a sufficient amount of time dating them, knew them extremely well, and maybe they were truly very good men. But I think it might be wise to consider the possibility that you don’t know everything there is to know about your mother or grandmothers and their relationships. I certainly thought I knew everything there was to know about my family at 18, and it turns out I did not. People leave things out of stories that are uncomfortable. Or even though they might be hurt by being cheated on, maybe they didn’t want to throw their husbands under the bus and tell the whole story.

My point is that yes, sometimes good people, for whatever reason, end up hurting people. We all do, in different ways. There might be more to the story than anyone told you, and even if there isn’t, you are a different person in a different time. I think the best thing you can do is look to people who have healthy relationships, and try to emulate those.

There is never going to be a guarantee that someone won’t cheat on you. We just choose wisely and do our best. In the end, if you DO want a marriage and a family, you will have to trust a man. It’s not easy to learn to do that, believe me. And because of what you’ve seen it might take awhile. There aren’t many choices that we make that have guarantees. We just evaluate the situation as best we can and try to be smart about it.

I think when we said the women in your family have a history of choosing bad men, we meant that you now have an opportunity to be more careful than they might have been. Which is not to say that you won’t need to eventually trust someone, but you can take it slow. Your mother and grandmothers might have missed things that in retrospect were problems that they did not see at the time. If your mother is okay with talking about it, maybe you could ask her if she would have done anything differently when she and your father were dating. Dated longer, etc. And if she doesn’t like to talk about it, there probably is much more to the story than you’re aware of.

Just don’t assume all men are bad. There are plenty of women out there who cheat too. As you get older you’ll find examples of good men, whether it’s in school, the workplace, wherever, and hopefully your confidence in finding one of them for your husband will grow.


#20

Dear Meggie,

Your story sounds so much like mine… I totally understand! I knew from a very young age that my dad had cheated on my mom only a year into their marriage. Then he cheated again, a few years later. And again. Only one set of my grandparents stayed together, though their marriage was far from great. The rest of my grandparents cheated, divorced, remarried, redivorced, and so on… And so do did all of my aunts and uncles except for my mom’s brother and his wife. I looked around me and saw marriages falling apart, wondering if it was even possible to have a good, faithful, lasting marriage. I put all of my hope into my parents’ marriage, believing that if they could stay together regardless of my father’s infidelity, then at least there was hope for a lasting marriage. Well, after my dad promised me he would never divorce my mom, he did. My mom, heartbroken, took off, and my dad spent all his time with his new girlfriend. That left me to take care of my three younger siblings, who were all falling apart, while dealing with my own devastation.

I was a wreck. Like you, I didn’t know how I would ever trust men. I also didn’t think I was that pretty, and my mom’s insecurities had led me to believe that if I were just beautiful and interesting enough, maybe a man wouldn’t cheat on me. But at the same time, I wanted marriage and a family so badly! So here’s what I did:

I cried hysterically. I talked and talked about my insecurities, fears, and childhood issues with anyone who would listen. It helped start getting things out of my system. But then I realized that the people who were listening couldn’t really heal me. They could only help me express myself. That’s when I threw myself at God with all of my might, crying to Him, begging Him to heal me and give me hope. I needed love so desperately, and as I cried to God daily in front of the Eucharist, or just on the floor in my room, I began to feel His love. I also looked for it—I went outside and stared at the sky and listened to the birds. I would see heart-shaped clouds and thank God for telling me He loved me. When I would feel particularly desperate and in need of God’s love, I would turn on the radio to a Christian station, and somehow just the right song would be playing. When we look, we see God reaching out to us.

If you go to God for the love you crave, He will heal you. But it is not a simple or easy process. It will take a while. But you know what? You will look back on it as a blessing. God never lets us suffer for no good reason. God loves you SO much, and He wants you all to Himself right now, so He can hold you and show you how special and worthy of love you are. He chose to create you because He didn’t want this world to not have you in it. It is so important that you are here, and only you can love God in the way that you do… No one else will love God in the exact same way, so He longs for your love and trust so much. If only you existed, Jesus would still have gone through the whole passion and crucifixion, just so you could be with Him. That’s how badly He wants you in His arms.

When you start to realize and feel that, you will know that you can trust Him so fully and completely to bring you the man He wants you to marry. Tell God every day that you want Him to take care of that for you. Tell Him you don’t trust yourself to make the right decision, because you are afraid, but you know that if God takes care of it, you can trust Him. Then, when you start meeting guys and wondering if a guy is the one God chose for you, just go with your instincts and pray every day that God will not let you marry a man He doesn’t want for you. That’s what I did. My first real relationship was when I was 20. I was SO attracted to this guy, and it felt SO right. I actually went a little crazy and we got engaged very quickly. But I prayed every single day, begging God to make sure I didn’t marry this guy if he wasn’t the one God wanted. I trusted God completely. After a couple of months, things started crumbling, and I realized this guy was not who I had thought he was. It was terribly difficult to go through, but I prayed so hard and God gave me the courage to break off the engagement. A month later, I bumped into the guy who became my husband. He was not perfect, but I felt so completely able to relax and be myself in his presence. We made each other better people. And when we hit some rough spots and I felt like maybe I should call it off, God helped me discern through prayer to hold on. My husband even started feeling like he should discern religious life, and he actually left me to enter a Dominican priory! That took SO much trust and prayer on my part to get through that, but I told God that if He wanted me to be with this guy, I trusted Him to bring him back to me. And He did.:slight_smile: We just got married in October, and we have the most beautiful, loving, God-centered marriage. I am now 25.

I’m sorry this post was so long, but I want you to know that God is there for you in such a profound, personal, interested-in-every-detail-of-your-day sort of way, and He will not let you down if you trust Him! I will now give you another post with some things that might help you know and feel God’s love, like they did for me.


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