I'm in a bad spot


#1

Hello all,
I wanted to ask for prayer from you all. I’m in an unhealthy relationship with my father and don’t know what to do. here’s what happened…

when I graduated from highschool, I entered the convent, and spent seven wonderufl years there. About three years after I entered, I became seriously ill with a life threatening autoimmune disease. I was a junior, and fought very hard to stay, but it seemed God was calling me out, just as He had called me in. Anyhow…I never knew my father because of the divorce. I met him a couple of times in the convent, and he is a great guy. When it came time to leave, he asked if I would move in with him, and I agreed.

I’ve been here for 8 months, and it seems that every month my father gets more and more controlling. I can’t even come home from work and run to the store without telling him.

I have also become his and his wife’s personal servant. Now, to his credit, he is letting me stay here for free…food, rent, everything. I am in college, and can only work three days a week–enough to pay for gas, car insurance, cell phone bill, ect., so of course I would expect him to ask me to help around the house in return for the favor. But how much is too much? I literally wait on them hand and foot.

But it’s not that so much as it is the control issue. I can’t do anything without his approval, and it’s so hard…and it’s really throwing me into a deep depression.

The worst part is…is that he doesn’t see any problems…and he doesn’t know anything is the matter, as I have a dread phobia of confrontation. I’ve tried, and it’s impossible for me to talk to him.

I feel so alone, and so abandoned. I can’t move out until I have a job that can support me–and that’s why I’m in college to get my LVN certificate…but I don’t finish for a year and a half.

My sister told me yesterday that she believes her mother in law in MT would be willing to take me in so that I can finish my schooling, but I feel like they’re just doing it as a charity case. And how can I leave? My father will be devastated. I don’t know what to do. I just need prayers right now.


#2

This isn’t parental love. :nope:

I can understand having the common courtesy to tell him if you’ll be out with friends or when your classes are or whatever so he doesn’t worry about you (as parents do) but what you described is way overboard.

I would suggest you talk with your priest and see if he has any ideas of where you might be able to find housing or assistance. Also, maybe you could stay with your sister or another relative? As far as not having money to live on since you’re a student, maybe you can take a semester off, save up some, and then continue working while taking classes. There’s also the route of student loans – my husband and I have them and will be paying them for quite some time but we know that we needed our degrees and that it’s worth it.

The bottom line is you need to move out, and as soon as possible. If your father is putting you into a deep depression as you say, that’s not a healthy place to be. Explain how you feel, but make sure you take care of yourself. :hug1:

Offering a prayer for you now. :crossrc:


#3

If you need the charity, then people giving it to you is not so bad! God helps us through other people most of the time. We have to be wise enough to accept His methods.

Your father will not be devastated, he will be angry. Big difference. He has manipulated you into believing that you leaving would hurt him in order to immobilize you. That’s what abusers do.

Get out so you can have a healthy adult life.

BTW, I am so sorry you had to give up your vocation. That must have been so very painful! :hug1:


#4

I worked as a college counselor for many years. My advise is for you to find yourself a new home with another relative. That new relative will also have some things you will not like but you are in need of free room and board until you graduate from college.
Your father is a man with a strong controlling personality. You can’t change him and he will not be devastated either when you leave because he does have a strong personality. He may be relieved to have you out of his house because maybe his wife would rather just have the two of them alone in their house.
When you live with your parents or relatives or friends YOU ARE under their rules and control.

I am a very nice old lady BUT I can be very controlling if someone is living with me. A lot of people are that way. They have their house rules and you have to follow them.

Looking from the outside into your situation… I think it is time for you to move on and go live with another relative. Keep saving your money so maybe someday soon you can find yourself a better living situation.
MEANWHILE… I am so sorry to say… is that you must finish your education so you will nolonger be under anybody’s house rules.

Many years ago… an old lady said to me while I was only 19yrs.old to always live by myself…even if it was only one tiny room. I am giving you the same advise after you finish college and get your LVN degree.
You do need to move out of your father’s house because he is being disrespectful of you and using you as his private servant. That is not very nice of him to do that to you.

You must have a talk with him about how he is treating you like a servant and you prefer to move if he keeps on treating you in a disrespectful manner.
If you are super afraid to have a talk with him then that means that you are afraid of his anger.
I used to have a mean father too and I was super afraid of him yelling at me or beating me up physically. So, I left home as soon as I graduated from high school.

Your message makes it very clear to me that you are in a BAD SPOT. So move on to a better place.

You need to pray to God every day to help you find a better place for you to live at so you can finish your education. You can also ask your friends to help you pray to God. I will pray for you too. Lucia


#5

I would like to add that taking off a semester from school is not a good idea because you are in a LVN Program and sometimes there isn’t always space for students because most colleges only accept a few students per year. If you drop out and ask to return the admission person may think you are not serious about your education and choose someone else for the program.

Another problem that can happen is that if you leave for a semester you may not want to return to school because you have gotten used to not having to study and may take the easy way out by not returning to school. You may regret leaving school for a semester.

You will qualify for financial aid and scholarships. You must go talk to your financial aid officer about your financial situation.
The month of Feb. is the best time to apply for financial aid for the following school year. You can also apply for GRANTS that is free money because you are in a VOCATIONAL PROGRAM.

You also have the summer months to work and save your money for school.

Please don’t consider yourself a charity case. There is nothing wrong with people willing to help you out with room and board. Your goal is to finish the LVN program. You can always repay the people who help you financially.
I also received financial aid and scholarships when I was in college. That made a big difference in my life.
Your short term goal is to finish the LVN program. Your long term goal is to have your very own studio apt. and live alone so you can come and go as you please. Your main job is to be a student right now.
Lucia


#6

Ok, I will agree with the pp that said that you should expect to live by your father’s rules, I completely disagree that you are in his Control!!! IMHO, you are an adult with Free Will you are not to be controlled by any other human!

You did not say how large your college is, is there any residential housing? If so, check with them, explain your situation and they will most likely try to help you. If that is not an option then I agree with one of the pp on talking to your priest to see if someone in your parish may be willing to offer you a room at a low rent or an exchange for child care, cleaning or something.
Another option, check around your school for possible roommates, I can’t remember 1 day of my many years in college not seeing a flyer or ad of someone looking for a roommate. Studio apartments are also VERY inexpensive. I know around here you can find one for around $400 a month.


#7

This is all very good advice and I can’t think of anything that hasn’t already been said. Prayers coming your way, as always! :thumbsup:


#8

I truly believe that this young gal is being controlled by her father. Yes, she has free will but when you live under the roof of another person for free then she has to do what they tell her otherwise she ends up in the streets. She is too timid to confront her father and most likely afraid of him. At the same time she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. A lot of gals don’t realize how strong some men really are. I believe her father won’t get devastated when she lives his house. She worries that he will get feelings hurt.

Yes, we all have free will as long as we financially support ourselves. My dad always said to me to not worry about what people think of me as long as they don’t financially support me.
She is living under her father’s and step-mother’s rules and control because it is their house.

This young gal is asking us for advise on how to get out of her controlling father’s house. We have to believe that she is telling us the truth. I believe her 100%.

It is always so easy to blame the victim. She has asked us for prayers. I pray that she finds a better home for herself. I truly believe that by praying she will find a better housing situation. Lucia


#9

Thank you all for you support and prayers. It is true that I have to get out…it it true that I am too timid…ah, I should say frantically afraid to cause conflict (personal problem of mine).

I’ve had two panic attacks in the past couple of days over leaving. You know, you see in those movies women who are battared by their spouses…and I always wanted to just shake them and tell them to leave, and so often they don’t. For the first time of my life, I can see their point of view (on a very, very smaller scale than theirs). they are more willing to live with the abuse and feel “comfortable” than to stand up for themselves. I wish I could shake myself! It is a terrible feeling to know the right decision, and to anger those you love because you can’t seem to make it.

Thank you all for your prayers…I believe that it will get me through.

Thank you too, Lontas!:wink:


#10

Lucia,

It seems you know just what I’m feeling inside! It’s a crippling, terrifying fear, even though there’s not too much to be afraid of. How do I overcome that? My father has already "X"ed out two of his other daughters, and my mom has already disowned me. I donj’t want to lose that last shred of family that I have…no matter how dysfunctional it is. If only there was a way to leave on good terms…and my dad and I can have a good long distance relationship!


#11

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