I seriously am trembling right now just by writing this. I don’t think I can go much longer without advice and help…
I’ve always been catholic. I am a 22 y/o girl now. I’ve always lived with my parents and for economic reasons have always slept in my mom’s bed.
When I was about 12 I think I accidentally discovered what it was to ‘touch yourself’ (yes you know what I mean). After showering. But I was terrified after it. I for so long thought of what I had done and struggled with the thought alone. I thought of telling my mom or dad but the thought terrified me. So I kept it. And it haunted me day and night. I didn’t know it was a sin back then. I just thought it was wrong because I thought my parents wouldn’t like me doing it since I wasn’t normally like that. But I didn’t know it was a sin.
Once I got over the thought of it being terrifying (I think I only convinced myself it was going to be okay) I continued doing it every now and then because it felt good. And as I told you guys I slept in my moms bed. But sometimes at night I used to. Under my covers. Touch myself there. I wasn’t doing it like it was a twisted thing or anything. Just in a way of trying not to be caught. And continued doing so. I think I got addicted to it. So it was hard to stop. But I really am not a bad or perverted person. I think it was more like a bad habit I took ( a terrible, terrible one). Or I probably did it out of compulsion (probably OCD, not sure if I have it but I’ve had many symptoms of it from early age) and I thought it was just like having a massage if that makes sense. I didn’t do it out of it being twisted or perverted. Sometimes I wouldn’t even think of anything. Just did it for the feeling. Just like scratching myself, or my head. Just like something natural and normal.
Recently I realized just how wrong it is and I repent. I repent so much. I think I might be the worst person ever for it, actually. And I have even considered to hurt myself. And I just can’t believe it’s got so bad to this point that I don’t even know if I deserve what I have. I am so thankful to God for what I have though, a beautiful loving family. Loving parents. and sister. My mother is so beautiful and caring and loves me just like my dad, he’s the sweetest ever. And I’ve cried. And have asked God for his forgiveness. And I’ve cried when I do it. Because I know it was so wrong. Still I think I may suffer from OCD and I don’t think I’ll ever let that go. I really truly believe I am not that. I am not that sin.
But I need help. I need to hear I’m not a terrible creature because I know God still loves me. Please help me get out of this darkness. Thank you.