Hello y'all, good morning, good evening, whereever you may be.
Soooo like the title says, I'm feeling especially down the last few days. I won't overshare with all the details, but this seems to be happening more and more lately. I have days where the world is rosy and everything is sunshine and Gummi Bears, and then suddenly, for no reason, I feel myself just...drop. I don't feel any joy with things I normally do. Today, for example. I've been listening to my favorite music while giving my room a good spring cleaning, something that usually just perks me up like I'm on drugs. But today, nothing. Thought about getting up and going for a walk, but can't get motivated. Tried an episode of my favorite show, which usually perks me up, but I couldn't follow. Been praying under my breath all morning, hoping a little heart to heart would boost my spirits, but I'm still glum.
I know everyone has these bad days, but it seems like they're becoming almost a way of life for me. I've always been rather bipolar (not the actual illness, just an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows) and for a while when I was getting back into the faith, i was on top of the world. And now, I can't seem to get past the first step again.
Each time I feel like it's a different reason. Some days I just feel winter cabin fever, Other days, I feel lonely. Today, I'm feeling almost guilty, which is becoming the norm. I spent Monday with my best friend, who I only get to see once a week, giggleing away the afternoon, hanging out, listening to music, making up stories together, going out for dinner. I should have had a great time, but I almost felt like I wasn't allowed to let myself have fun.
I'm feeling more and more like that lately. Like I'm not suppose to be enjoying the day. Like I should feel guilty chatting on the phone, going on a walk with my beautiful spastic mutts, sitting in the sunshine with a good book. When I'm feeling extra scrupulous, I feel like it's a sign from God, punishing me for relaxing, for taking some down time to sit and paint. I can't seem to enjoy things I usually love. I haven't picked up a pencil to draw in so long.
I've felt this way on and off for years, and lately, it just won't let off. Do you have issues like this? Do you think it's more a spiritual thing, or a mental and emotional thing? Am I being too hard on myself?