I'm losing my Husband


#1

My husband and I have been together for three years and from the beginning he was uncomfortable about his past and rarely talked about it. I know that he was abandoned by his father and taken away from his mother who tortured and tried to kill him.

In addition to a childhood filled with abuse, he has suffered with alcoholism, divorce and the loss of his children (from his previous marriage)

Yesterday I found some internet sites that he has been looking at on Atheism so I asked him about it. He completely broke down and began crying and hitting himself in the head. He told me that he felt broken inside, unloved by God and that he prays that God will kill him. He told me that it is becoming harder and harder to believe in God at all and that he has felt this way since he was a child.

I am very afraid that I may lose my Husband. I love him very much but he won't talk to me and truthfully, I'm ill-equipped to help him. He went to college and got a degree in theology, converted to the Catholic Church after his first marriage. I thought his faith and love for God were strong but he told me that he has been faking it his whole life because he is too ashamed to admit that he hates God. He said he hates God and is terrified of going to hell!

I don't know what to do. He said that he has talked to priests before and they just tell him to keep praying. He is so full of rage, I'm afraid that he might hurt himself and it will be 40 days before I can get him to the doctor. What should I do?


#2

This is very sad and difficult! I'm so sorry!

If I were you I'd call your local Catholic Charities ASAP to schedule an appointment with a counselor. If you can't afford it, they will charge on a sliding scale. In my experience, they are very flexible and kind about it.

This is definitely beyond just talking to a priest. Prayer is of course your best ally, but your husband also needs professional help from a mental health specialist.


#3

How sad. I will pray for both of you.

With God all things are possible, and from what you wrote about your husband's past he needs much healing from it.

It would be good if a priest were to pray for him, one on one, out loud. And if he would go to the counseling that would help also.

Actually, it is good that there was that breakthrough where he told you how he felt.


#4

Praying. :hug1:


#5

[quote="Schieffelin, post:2, topic:293865"]
This is very sad and difficult! I'm so sorry!

If I were you I'd call your local Catholic Charities ASAP to schedule an appointment with a counselor. If you can't afford it, they will charge on a sliding scale. In my experience, they are very flexible and kind about it.

This is definitely beyond just talking to a priest. Prayer is of course your best ally, but your husband also needs professional help from a mental health specialist.

[/quote]

Good advice... same with what Dorethy said... You and your husband are in my prayers


#6

Praying for you!

God Bless!


#7

Considering your husband's past history, would talking to a counselor specializing in posttrumatic stress disorder help? Is he on meds for depression?

Today, on EWTN, there was a show on despair. The priest mentioned a book, MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING by Viktor Frank who was in a concentration camp during WWII. It sold more than 10 million copies in the late 1940s. It focuses on how a person can survive having been a victim of horrific abuse and confinement.


#8

I am almost certain if you fear for husbands life, that if he is close to suicide there are places where you can take him to be committed for his own safety, it would take some research and would have to be done swiftly, and perhaps needing legal counsel to make sure it is even possible and or help from law enforcement to actually get him to where he needs to be if he is in grave danger and is unable to seek the help he needs on his own.

stay strong, and keep moving in all possible ways to make sure your husband gets the help he needs, the other suggestions already provided should help you in getting the ball rolling forward.


#9

First, I feel for you and your husband. Second, it is unheard of for a doctor to make a patient who may be suicidal wait 40 DAYS for a visit!! That is completely unethical. If your husband is willing, you might try bringing him to a hospital that deals with mental trauma. I would get him to a psychologist immediately if I thought he was suicidal. Third, it is hard to hear, but you may not be able to do anything. The saying "you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink" fits here. Even if he goes to a doctor, your husband may not be willing to take part in the sessions. At the most, you can bring him to the sessions. You cannot make him get anything out of them. What he gets out of them & what he puts into them are up to him. I went through this with a relative & it was a hard lesson to learn.

Best wishes.


#10

40 days!? Why!? If a person is saying that they want to die, they shouldn't wait 40 minutes!


#11

Your husband is despairing. What he needs is a huge dose of love, but you are quite right. You can't help him the way he needs to be helped. He needs to feel the love of God and he can't do that if he hates the Lord. He's the one closing the door, not God.

But in order to give him the tools to open the door, your husband definitely needs to seek a counselor and immediately so. First a mental health one to prevent any self harm and then a spiritual one.

Given his history I imagine it will take a lot to break down the barriers he put up, some through his own choice and many more out of attempts at self-preservation due to the abusive childhood. It is never too late to experience the love of God though. Pray intensely for him. Take concrete steps to get him to seek a counselor, even if it's just an informal one. Talking things out can sometimes help cool the hottest part of the rage.


#12

[quote="stormy1982, post:1, topic:293865"]
My husband and I have been together for three years and from the beginning he was uncomfortable about his past and rarely talked about it. I know that he was abandoned by his father and taken away from his mother who tortured and tried to kill him.

In addition to a childhood filled with abuse, he has suffered with alcoholism, divorce and the loss of his children (from his previous marriage)

Yesterday I found some internet sites that he has been looking at on Atheism so I asked him about it. He completely broke down and began crying and hitting himself in the head. He told me that he felt broken inside, unloved by God and that he prays that God will kill him. He told me that it is becoming harder and harder to believe in God at all and that he has felt this way since he was a child.

I am very afraid that I may lose my Husband. I love him very much but he won't talk to me and truthfully, I'm ill-equipped to help him. He went to college and got a degree in theology, converted to the Catholic Church after his first marriage. I thought his faith and love for God were strong but he told me that he has been faking it his whole life because he is too ashamed to admit that he hates God. He said he hates God and is terrified of going to hell!

I don't know what to do. He said that he has talked to priests before and they just tell him to keep praying. He is so full of rage, I'm afraid that he might hurt himself and it will be 40 days before I can get him to the doctor. What should I do?

[/quote]

It is indeed very difficult to deal with people who bottle everything in.No-one will be able to penetrate his mind of conundrums and enigmas,let alone,establish a zero point from where to begin his road to recovery unless he let's them in,be it a priest or a specialist.It's understandable that he feels this way towards God,although God was not the problem, but quite simply his up-bringing.Over the years he would have built up bricks,layers and walls to protect himself mentally and to survive the only way he knows how;his everyday life,family,school,the public,etc.

He suffers much and longs to be rid of all this.On the other hand,he does have your undivided support and devotion I presume?Together,both of you with God can see this through once and for all.Just be there for him and pray unceasingly.There,however must be an out pour from him to receive help.In a manner of speaking - he needs to be bled in order to get well.He must help others to help him and you must help him to understand this.

It will probably get worse before it gets better,but the objective is the end result.I wish you both the very best.

JMJ


#13

**I will keep you both in my prayers.

Just from what you've said, I can feel a bit of the horrible pain your husband must be in. I don't have any of the same issues from my childhood, but just as a human being, he has felt unloved and abandoned his whole life.

He must be thinking what about him is so horrible that he can't be loved and cherished.
( yes, you are there for him, and you love him and have stood at his side, but he can't even begin to see that fact because there is so much hurt and pain ).

All he knows is that others are loved and protected by their dads, his left him. Mother's love their children and fight for them, his inflicted his pain. As a kid, he prayed to God for help, and nothing happened. He married, and was again abandoned. He had children, and they were taken too. Why keep trying, nothing good happens to him.

I can see him agreeing to join the Catholic Church because he wanted so much to belong to "something", to be part of a caring, accepting and loving family. He wanted to come into a church that was ready for him, rather than him being ready for that church.

All of this had nothing to do with him. Many of us have wonderful parents, some have only one good parent, and he is in the group that both were horrible. It wasn't anything he did, that was just how it came out. He is not the only one who has had to suffer for no reason, there are many examples of this in history, and to we Christians, Jesus was the best example of this.

As to your husband's fear of hell. I think, he will not go to hell, he has already served his time there. God is also his Father, and THIS Father forgives him, loves him, and can't wait for your husband to open his heart, let all the pain out, start filling it with God's love and start having the good life God has planned for him.

The first half of your husband's life was very painful and bleak, but the second half does not have to be like the first half. I truly believe that God sent you to show your husband love, and show him the way. Your husband's path so far has been hidden and full of potholes and land mines. No wonder he is afraid to keep moving forward.

Your husband may also be afraid to trust his own feelings on believing you love him. After all, he has believed it before and he has always been wrong. Three years is not a long time when you have had decades of the opposite.

Just hang in there with him, and keep trying to call different priests and agencies to try and get him in to see someone NOW, he can't wait.

He has been through hell, and he needs to really believe that now the best part of his life is just around the corner.

There is a book called, " A Child Called It "** by David Pelzer about a boy who was severely abused by his mother, and how he over came his horrible childhood. It might help to read this and the sequels; The Lost Boy, A Man Named Dave, and Help Yourself.
I'll keep your family in my prayers, Rosaries, and vigil prayer candles burning 24/7 at my church. I'll be praying for the long haul.

God bless you for being your husband's angel.


#14

[quote="Schieffelin, post:2, topic:293865"]
This is very sad and difficult! I'm so sorry!

If I were you I'd call your local Catholic Charities ASAP to schedule an appointment with a counselor. If you can't afford it, they will charge on a sliding scale. In my experience, they are very flexible and kind about it.

This is definitely beyond just talking to a priest. Prayer is of course your best ally, but your husband also needs professional help from a mental health specialist.

[/quote]

+1

Telling a theology grad with real traumatic issues to just pray more doesn't seem to cut it. (This is not to say that praying more wouldn't help but one's got to look at the natural means.) He needs to sort out his childhood and realise that his bad experience does not mean that God either hates him or doesn't care what happens to him.

(Sometimes bad things that happen to us are a challenge, sometimes they're in this or some other way meant for our growth, and God always turns them somehow to our advantage. A difficult part perhaps is to stay humble and avoid judging God. Which can be hard, which I know from my own experience.)


#15

What a blessing that your husband has you for a wife, God knew what was to happen and placed you in his life. Please keep coming back here, we got you covered with prayers and love

Given his rejection and abandonment from the past, it is no wonder that your husbands psyche is fragile, this has been a long time coming and has reached the breaking point. God knows what is going on and God is in control of this.
As you seek help for your beloved husband don't be alarmed when he starts pushing you away or rejecting you with words that are cruel, it is not you, but you are the closest, safest person to him.

I pray for you to find support, strength, wisdom and fortitude in this. I pray for your husband to locate the real truth of his torment and for God to heal. May the Holy Spirit work in and through the both of you.


#16

I'm praying for you and your husband.


#17

[quote="stormy1982, post:1, topic:293865"]
My husband and I have been together for three years and from the beginning he was uncomfortable about his past and rarely talked about it. I know that he was abandoned by his father and taken away from his mother who tortured and tried to kill him.

In addition to a childhood filled with abuse, he has suffered with alcoholism, divorce and the loss of his children (from his previous marriage)

Yesterday I found some internet sites that he has been looking at on Atheism so I asked him about it. He completely broke down and began crying and hitting himself in the head. He told me that he felt broken inside, unloved by God and that he prays that God will kill him. He told me that it is becoming harder and harder to believe in God at all and that he has felt this way since he was a child.

I am very afraid that I may lose my Husband. I love him very much but he won't talk to me and truthfully, I'm ill-equipped to help him. He went to college and got a degree in theology, converted to the Catholic Church after his first marriage. I thought his faith and love for God were strong but he told me that he has been faking it his whole life because he is too ashamed to admit that he hates God. He said he hates God and is terrified of going to hell!

I don't know what to do. He said that he has talked to priests before and they just tell him to keep praying. He is so full of rage, I'm afraid that he might hurt himself and it will be 40 days before I can get him to the doctor. What should I do?

[/quote]

I must say to you but I am sorry that you must endure this difficult time. However I counsel married couples and if I were able to speak with you I definitely would need to speak with both of you. But what I can say to him is this: your fear of going to hell is well-founded because that fear falls into the realm of blasphemy which is one of those sins that has very complicated consequences but it does not mean that you cannot ever work that out with God. There is a book that I like to recommend to all the couples that come to see me in it is called "The Dynamics of Divinely Created Relationships" and in very simple language explains the role of the husband, the role of the wife, and the role of God in the relationship. If God ever is taken out of the relationship you will suffer because your relationship will be destroyed not because that's what you desire but it is a direct result of taking God out of your relationship. There are many things that we could talk about but it would be better if you wanted to call me and let me talk with both of you at the same time where we can examine where your faith life is at and what it takes to get your faith life back on track and working for God instead of against. Please give me a call; (586) 994-1725!! My name is Lawrence; the name given me by God before I was born. Please give me a call but remembered to have both of you present so that I may talk with both you and your husband. Lawrence


#18

[quote="I_am_Sent, post:17, topic:293865"]
I must say to you but I am sorry that you must endure this difficult time. However I counsel married couples and if I were able to speak with you I definitely would need to speak with both of you. But what I can say to him is this: your fear of going to hell is well-founded because that fear falls into the realm of blasphemy which is one of those sins that has very complicated consequences but it does not mean that you cannot ever work that out with God. There is a book that I like to recommend to all the couples that come to see me in it is called "The Dynamics of Divinely Created Relationships" and in very simple language explains the role of the husband, the role of the wife, and the role of God in the relationship. If God ever is taken out of the relationship you will suffer because your relationship will be destroyed not because that's what you desire but it is a direct result of taking God out of your relationship. There are many things that we could talk about but it would be better if you wanted to call me and let me talk with both of you at the same time where we can examine where your faith life is at and what it takes to get your faith life back on track and working for God instead of against. Please give me a call; (586) 994-1725!! My name is Lawrence; the name given me by God before I was born. Please give me a call but remembered to have both of you present so that I may talk with both you and your husband. Lawrence

[/quote]

**( the underline is mine ).

With respect to you Lawrence, her husband is in a VERY fragile state of mind right now, and doesn't need the fear of hell added to the mix.

I agree, if the people going to you are in a healthy state of mind and having marriage problems, you would handle things differently. But please, DO NOT add this to someone who is already in so much pain it shouts all over CAF.

He can't take anymore pain, he's had it, he is mentally falling apart. He needs love and support, not being told he is in fear of going to hell.**


#19

THANK YOU SO MUCH! To everyone who has been posting. Knowing that so many were praying for us has really helped me through the last few days. I don't know if I would have had the strength to be there for him if I didn't know that all ya'll have been here for us.

My husband and I have found a wonderful Priest who is definitely taking this seriously and he has us going to the Veteran's hospital today and an appointment with a therapist who is very familiar with spiritual problems.

I am amazed at how much my husband has opened up since that night. It's almost like once he finally started talking he hasn't been able to stop. His childhood was unbelievably horrible. I already knew that he has permanent hearing loss and scaring in his lungs, but hearing what his mother did to him to cause these things was beyond heartbreaking. All the time this was happening to him he said he prayed to God but God never answered and he never felt anything. I can't imagine going through all that and never even feeling God's presence.

Then he joined the Catholic Church because he recognized from his studies that it was the true church, he got sober, said his prayers and did everything that he thought God wanted him to do. And still when he prays he feels nothing. He said he hates people who say they can hear God and feel Him. He thinks God hates and has abandoned him. I have no answers for any of this. It doesn't seem fair to me either.

He admitted that he was afraid to tell me about all this because he was afraid I would judge him or leave him if I knew the truth, now he knows that is not true. I plan on showing all your posts to him soon so that he can see with his own eyes that he is not alone, that people care for him and are praying for him.

My husband is more hurt and damaged than I ever imagined. If it weren't for your posts encouraging me to take action I don't know what would have happened. Thank you all so much, please continue to pray for us.


#20

I was glad to read your post. Thank you for updating us.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.