I’m 23. a traditional catholic girl who always believed I would save myself for marraige. But I screwed up big time. Between my parent’s divorce and my oldest brother (who meant the world to me) eloping and never having anything to do with us since; I was crushed, abandoned and broken. My father plainly told me he didn’t want me in his life if I wouldn’t get over all the hurt he’d caused, and love him blindly again. I can’t do that, not when he continues to hurt us. I’ve never dated, never had a boy friend, never had mutual feelings. when I was a young teen a family friend starting getting too forward affectionately, and it freaked me out and traumatized me. two years later I was sexually abused by my brother twice, and didn’t know how to stop him without him knowing that I knew. Although we’ve never spoken about it, We’ve forgiven each other and it is no longer an issue. in the middle of all this I started the evil habit of masturbating before I even knew what it was or that it was wrong. once I found out it was, it was too late the habit was ingrained, and I still struggle with it to this day. I’ve fallen into porn to get some feeling in my life, since I’m so alone. Last february I allowed myself to be touched sexually by a lesbian. Last november I lost my virginity to a complete stranger. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I hated myself so much. Then in February I got drunk at a friends house, and i had sex with him that night, and again a couple of weeks later. I dislike him already, but I wanted to be wanted so much. Of course I got no pleasure out of it, and felt more empty than before. I then got drunk again elsewhere and slept with another man. I honestly thought that I could get something out of this. But I feel broken and empty. I didn’t even want to do it half the time, but I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t want to offend them.
Like I said I’ve screwed up royally. I am still begging God for forgiveness and the grace to forgive myself. I’m slowly working on it, but it will take a while for all of this to heal.
My trust and dislike of men is very strong, from everything that’s happened with my dad and my brothers. But the only thing I want in this whole world is to marry a good man and start a family. I’ve managed to close my heart because I’m so afraid of being hurt. I don’t think I could handle any more.
I’ve just met a nice guy online, and we’ve started chatting. normally online dating doesn’t work, so I’ll be surprised if it goes anywhere. I like this guy and it would be amazing to get to know him.
However the kind of guys that I’m attracted to are really good, and holy. This guy has put on his profile that he wants a woman who is pure.
I’ve fallen. I’m far from that. If we get serious should I tell him? I dont’ want him to use it against me in the future. Would any man still want me after what I’ve done? Should I tell my mother?