i’m currently trying to work through a lot of issues in my life… after leaving the church at 14 and coming back at 20 (i’m now 21), the clergy and other church-goers in my small group have been less than welcoming. i’ve slowly been getting back on my feet. my church’s priest that worked with my class a lot throughout elementary and middle school said he would help me join the priesthood if i wanted, and i never realized how badly i wanted it. so for the past few weeks i’ve been talking to him a lot about classes and everything to prepare for it.
problem is, i still have issues where, when i’ve been hurt or when something pisses me off i tend to have a bad temper, and i know that. my friend’s mother who i see a lot at church took it upon herself to make a scene in front of everyone because she caught me at a bar (i was outside smoking - PS i’m trying to quit to be a better example for others). but SHE was there too or else she wouldn’t have seen me…anyway, i thought i handled it pretty well and felt more mature for not adding fuel to the fire. but a couple weeks ago i lost it in front of some important people…i was frustrated and started yelling at my priest. i recently broke a pretty bad swearing habit but it all came back, and as if raising my voice wasn’t bad enough there were plenty of F’s and GD’s. i didn’t mean what i said to him, he’s known me since i was a little kid in school, but i just completely lost it and stormed out. that was almost a month ago and i haven’t been back since. i thought of going to talk to him in private before mass, but every time i get in the car i end up going past the church…i’m afraid to talk to him, if he sees me there he might not give me the chance to apologize. i feel really bad about it and i don’t want him to think i’m the same foulmouthed, angry, immature kid i was when i left the church 6 years ago. i’ve kind of been pegged as the bad one of the group. i don’t know what to do or how to approach my church group again…but i keep screwing up and i’m afraid people will lose patience with me. worst part is that i actually asked god to help me figure things out, and yet the guilt hasn’t gone away, so does that mean he’s not ready to forgive me yet? it’s a terrible feeling but i know i screwed up so maybe i just need to accept it and accept that i’m not meant to be looked at as a christian. maybe god has other plans for me? i feel like he’s turned away from me because i turned away from him, and i’m terrified of the possibility that i actually deserve that.