I'm not doing so good right now...again


#1

Hello,

I promised myself that I would never post another “negative” thread on CAF ever again after so many of you have done nothing but endured my spiritual trials as I’ve aired them out in public, but I feel particularly sorry for myself today.

I went to Mass this morning and tried praying, but my prayers are scatterbrained and multi-directional with sense of resolution or closure about them and I often end up despairing somewhere in the middle, lamenting how arrogant I am and how I’ll never be able to make any sense out of the spiritual life. During the Our Father, I kind’ve shrank away into obscurity as I imagined confronting the Father in my pitiable state.

I’m particularly sad because no matter what I read, no matter how hard I pray (or not), no matter how hard I try to “enjoy life,” no matter what my priest says, I just can’t seem to believe that Jesus is passionately in love with me. I, for my own part, don’t feel like I love Jesus. Lately, as I’ve been praying the Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary, I’ve imagined, “What if I watched my Lord enduring these sufferings? What would I do?” And I find that I would shamefully stand amongst the crowd just looking and feeling sorry for myself that I’m such a coward to help him. And then he would give me that look – you know that look Jesus gives Judas when the soldiers knock him off the bridge in The Passion of the Christ? – and I would just crumble and run away.

Most of my prayer time is spent just saying, “I’m sorry,” but I don’t even know if I am sorry or what I’m so sorry for. It’s murdering my spirit which longs to love and be loved.

Please ask my new patron saint, St. Gemma, for her prayers for me. I don’t think anyone up there is listening to me lately.


#2

I’m not up there, but I listened…
repeat two simple words often during the day, "LOVE JESUS"
that’s what I do…Jesus a is very loving person


#3

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

Epistemes, this is my own uninformed opinion and I am often wrong so take it with a grain of salt, if we were at the Cross with Jesus. Would he care more whether we felt in our hearts that he thirsted for us or would he care more that we made it there to stand in front of him? If we were in the Garden of Gethesemane and he told us to watch and pray, would he care more that we felt in our hearts that he wanted us to watch and pray or would he care more that we did watch and pray? One of the things that I love about Catholicism is that feelings are important, but Catholicism is not a religion based on feelings or we would not have books such as Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross. And I also believe that love of Jesus and Mary are graces, gifts of the Holy Spirit, so prayer to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, Mediatrix of all Graces, is a most effective way of obtaining them.

I am going to post an excerpt from the The Secret of the Rosary by St. Louis Mary de Montfort on how hard it can be to pray the most Holy Rosary and how beneficial the results can be nevertheless. Hope to help :slight_smile: Congratulations on saying the most Holy Rosary!!:smiley: :slight_smile: :smiley: :heart:
montfort.org.uk/Writings/Rosary.html

And I also want to congratulate you on your deep meditations. Maybe you have been blessed to undergo what St. Louis Mary de Montfort wrote about in his 33 day preparation for consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, true knowledge of self and sorrow for one’s sins, or maybe it is scrupulosity and despair and temptation. I am not gifted with the grace to discern the difference.

Forty-Third-Rose: Fighting Distractions
When the Rosary is well said it gives Jesus and Mary more glory and is more meritorious for the soul than any other prayer. But it is also the hardest prayer to say well and to persevere in, owing especially to the distrations which almost inevitably attend the constant repetition of the same words.

When we say the Little Office of Our Lady, or the Seven Penitential Psalms, or any prayers other than the Rosary, the variety of words and expressions keeps us alert, prevents our imagination from wandering, and so makes it easier for us to say them well. On the contrary, because of the constant repetition of the same Our Father and Hail Mary in the same unvarying form, it is difficult, while saying the Rosary, not to become wearied and inclined to sleep or to turn to other prayers that are more refreshing and less tedious. This goes to show that one needs much greater devotion to persevere in saying the Holy Rosary than in saying any other prayer, even the Psalms of David.

Our imagination, which is hardly still a minute, makes our task harder and then of course **there is the devil who never tires of trying to distract us and keep us from praying. To what ends does not the evil one go against us while we are engaged in saying our Rosary against him. **

Being human, we easily become tired and slipshod–but the devil makes these difficulties worse when we are saying the Rosary. Before we even begin he makes us feel bored, distracted, or exhausted–and when we have started praying, he oppresses us from all sides. And when, after much difficulty and many distractions, we have finished, he whispers to us: “What you have just said is worthless. It’s useless for you to say the Rosary. You had better get on with other things. It’s only a waste of time to pray without paying attention to what you’re saying; half an hour’s meditation or some spiritual reading would be much better; don’t finish your Rosary until tomorrow.” By tricks of this kind the devil gets us to give up the Rosary altogether or else hardly say it at all, and we keep putting it off or change to some other devotion.

Dear Rosary Confraternity members, do not listen to the devil, but be of good heart even if your imagination has been bothering you throughout your Rosary, filling your mind with all kinds of distracting thoughts–as long as you really tried hard to get rid of them as soon as they came. **Always remember that the best Rosary is the one with the most merit, and there is more merit in praying when it is **hard than when it is easy.

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *


#4

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

Even if you have to fight distractions all through your whole Rosary be sure to fight well, arms in hand: that is to say, ** do not stop saying your Rosary even if it is hard to say and you have no sensible devotion.**It is a TERRIBLE battle, I know, but one that is profitable to the faithful soul. If you put down your arms, that is, if you give up the Rosary, you will be admitting defeat and then, having won, the devil will leave you alone.

But at the Day of Judgment he will taunt you because of your faithlessness and lack of courage. “He that is faithful in that which is least, is faithful also in that which is greater.” He who fights even the smallest distractions faithfully when he says even the very smallest prayer he will also be faithful in great things. We can be absolutely certain of this because the Holy Spirit has told us so.

**So all of you, servants and handmaids of Our Lord Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin Mary, who have made up your minds to say the Rosary every day, be of good heart. Do not let the flies (it is thus that I call the distractions that make **war on you during prayer) make you cowardly abandon the company of Jesus and Mary, in whose holy presence you always are when saying the Rosary In what follows I shall give you suggestions for getting rid of distractions.

So they are always listening to you, you are in their company when you say the Rosary, whether you feel it or not…even if that doesn’t make you feel better, it is true according to the saints. As St. Teresa de Avila says, “Let nothing disturb thee. Let nothing frighten you (even the fact that you can’t feel Jesus). All things pass away (even the feelings). God never changes. Patience obtains all things. He who has God finds he lacks nothing (maybe with patience this will one day happen). God alone suffices.” I believe, although I am often wrong, that St. Teresa de Avila is also the one who says, that she had to force herself to become a nun but the reward, later on, was well worth it.

I hope you will emerge from your struggles and one day counsel others who took your path. I will try to pray a most Holy Rosary for you tomorrow. Thank you for sharing and feel free to share any time that you need encouragement or support. I hope I have helped even the most miniscule, unnoticeable, insgnificant bit and have not hurt.

May we bring glory by our lives, words, and deeds to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the Sacred Heart of Jesus!! May the Holy Spirit gift us with feelings of love and support and any other gifts that we need through the Immaculate Heart of Mary!! Immaculate Heart of Mary and St. Gemma, pray for Epistemes!!

Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse. Come Holy Spirit, come by means of the powerful intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, your well beloved spouse.

*Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. *


#5

Try this.

Small Beads;

Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you.
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you.
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you.
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you.
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you.
Sacred Heart of Jesus burning with love for us inflame our hearts with love of you

Large Beads:

O thee I love oh thee I adore oh sacred heart of my dear Jesus, penetrated with grief I am at the numerous offenses I have hereto commited against you and the blessed sacrament of your altar. I offer you the merits of the Blessed Virgin and all the saints who have done your will throughout the ages in satisfaction there of.

:thumbsup:

Remember, that todays reading (or was it yesterday?) in the Daily Office tells us that Abraham, Jacob, and Isaac “after many trials” became Gods friends. Perseverence is a pre-requisit of christianity. Suffering or trials are a pre-requisite of perseverence.


#6

“I’m not doing so good right now…again…”

  • If you were doing so good, I am afraid you might have a problem understanding what “so good” means.

I pray for you.


#7

Life is not about waiting for and collecting blessings. If you look only for the blessing, you will miss Me as I pass on by once you collect your goods. This life is first and foremost about your relationship with Me. Does anyone still know that a life of blessedness flows from our relating? The true blessings of life are attained in your knowing Me, for there is no higher attainment. Everything else you’ll ever gain—wealth, health, friends, prestige—all of it will be gone one day.

Look for Me in these and other possessions for I augment each part of life and put the proper touch into it in such a way that you’ll know where things belong and how fleeting possessions of any kind are. I bring seasons of anointing to areas of your life that only last for a time—some as short as a sunset, others as long as another’s life. But in the end, it all comes back to you and Me.

It is in this connection that true love finds its expression, a love that builds My Kingdom on the earth and prepares the way for your coming to Me, closer and closer with each step, together forever, a love unmatched in the universe. Let us love as I have ordained it. Do not let my gifts for you ever be a source of entanglement. For the true light that shines brightest, shines when you come to Me with open hearts and hands, yearning only to know and love Me more deeply.

Jesus: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
This is the first and greatest commandment.

Matthew 22:37

I say get outdoors and be in nature. God Loves You!


#8

I’m sorry – I don’t take your meaning?


#9

These seven steps are worth a shot, whether or not there is a demonic element to your difficulties. They will help you to become a better Catholic.

I did these about a year ago and they changed my life.

Seven Steps to Self-Deliverance


#10

Sometimes we have to go through winter to know what summer really is. One could also use spring and fall for comparisons.

The old saying, I felt bad cause I had no shoes… till I saw someone who had no feet.

What is bad (or minus)? What is good (or plus)? And how is the scale formed? Where does zero fit in?

I too am praying for you.


#11

Thank you…


#12

The only way I can explain is I was living my life in mortal sin. I could not understand why my marriage was not fullfiling. searched over and over again for love…in man. I was to the point in my life where I did not want to live, because of all the sin I had done. Yet, at the same time…I wanted to live and prayed and prayed for God to intervine. So, I was in a consicence state, but yet, an unconsicence state.
Having received all sacraments in life, this is how God marks his children. As scarey as it is, my soul was outside of my body. So, now, I am totally and forever more in love with my God. He is the truth, the light, and he is the way. Our bodies are our temples…and God is the bread of life. So, the more sacraments the better for sweet grace.

This should explain more for you…

Catholic Sacraments:
Vehicles of Grace

The sacraments are Christ’s own gift that provide us with his grace.

They are the divine helps which God gives us to enable us to:

Believe the truths of his faith
Live according to his moral code
Grow in his gift of divine life
The seven sacrements are a fundamental part of the Catholic faith.

Freely choosing to accept grace
When God made us, he gave us free will.

He continues to respect our free will to the end. When Jesus died upon the Cross to redeem us from our sins, it did not mean that from then on everyone would have to go to Heaven whether they wanted to or not.

When Jesus died upon the Cross, he paid an infinite price for an inexhaustible flow of grace. That grace would enable each person to turn back to God and to remain united with God through this life and through eternity.

That brings us to a question: How would Jesus provide for this flow of grace to individual souls?

Would the whole thing be invisible?
Would God simply give to each person of good will a silent inner conviction of being saved?
Each time that we felt the need of divine help, would we simply ask for it and immediately feel welling up within us a great surge of spiritual strength?

website information on** beginningCatholic.com**

God Bless you all


#13

I was thinking that you might’ve been doing so good until you posted this post. Were you doing so good? and what are the things you consider so good?


#14

Dear Epistemes-Don’t worry about how "scatterbrained " your prayers are or whether they make any sense at all. You go and kneel or sit and let where you are sink in and relax. You are loved…by me and many others…especially those who have been in such dispair that even our own thoughts make no sense. Don’t give up…try to help someone else as a diversion if you have it in you…if not…hold on until you can. I don’t know how to characterize Christ’s love…“passionately”…maybe… but He does love you and me…care for us in a way that may be indescribeable. How else do we confront the Father except in our pitiable state? My shoulders hunch when I think of my own purification process. Just relax and understand that you are not alone or forgotten.


#15

I’ve had my on and off days over the course of the past couple of weeks. Some days have been joyful where all I want to do is praise the Lord – other days have been exhausting on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.

The thing that bothers me the most is how hung up I get about my pride and arrogance during prayer which makes it almost totally impossible to continue praying. I’m fairly certain this must be a snare of the devil, but I fall into it every time - then I begin feeling sorry for myself and how loathsome of a sinner I am. I posted about this before in another thread - but sometimes I feel like I can only approach the Blessed Mother in prayer.

becky’s link (posted above) was really helpful. It seems that my spiritual journey has reached step 4 where I must overcome pride, rebellion and unforgiveness. (I didn’t realize until last night precisely how much unforgiveness there is in my life! :frowning: ) Plus, a nice, heartfelt confession will definitely relieve my conscience! :thumbsup:


#16

Perhaps you are looking too much at yourself and not enough at Jesus? IOW, you are self-centeredly concentrating on your failures rather than on the One who is merciful. Leave your sins at Confession and keep your eyes on the Savior; trust that He knows your needs and not be anxious that YOU aren’t able to conquer yourself by yourself.


#17

“I am Love and Mercy itself. My Heart overflows with great mercy for souls, and especially for poor sinners…it is for them that the Blood and Water flowed from my Heart as from a fount overflowing with mercy. Let no soul fear to draw near to Me, even though its sins be as scarlet. My mercy is greater than your sins, and those of the entire world. I let my Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come then with trust to draw graces from this fountain. Souls that make an appeal to My mercy delight Me. To such souls I grant even more graces than they ask. I cannot punish even the greatest sinner if he makes an appeal to My compassion. Beg for mercy for the whole world. No soul that has called upon My mercy has ever been disappointed” - The Diary of St. Faustina


#18

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**Triduum in Honor of St Gemma Galgani to Obtain a Special Grace
**
DAY 1

Preface: Oh most Divine Lord, we humbly prostrate ourselves before Thy Infinite Majesty, and we adore Thee and dedicate to Thy glory the devout prayers which we now present to Thee, as an act of devotion to your servant, St Gemma Galgani, whose intercession we are now imploring.

Most compassionate virgin, St. Gemma, during thy short life on earth, you gave a most beautiful example of angelic innocence and seraphic love and was found worthy to bear in thy flesh the marks of our Lord’s Passion. Have pity on us who are so much in need of God’s Mercy, and obtain for us through thy merits and intercession, the special favor which we now fervently implore (mention request)
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be.

Pray for us, St. Gemma, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Let us pray
O God, Who fashioned thy servant St Gemma, into a likeness of Thy Crucified Son, grant us through her intercession, the favor that we humbly request, and through the Passion Death and Resurrection of Thy Son, may we be untied with You for all eternity. We ask this through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

DAY 2

Preface: Oh most Divine Lord, we humbly prostrate ourselves before Thy Infinite Majesty, and we adore Thee and dedicate to Thy glory the devout prayers which we now present to Thee, as an act of devotion to your servant, St Gemma Galgani, whose intercession we are now imploring.

O worthy Spouse of the Lamb of God and faithful virgin St Gemma, you preserved the innocence and splendor of virginity, giving to the world a bright example of purity and the most exalted virtues, look down with pity from thy high place in heaven upon us who confide in thee, as we implore thee for the favor we so ardently desire (mention request)

Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be.

Pray for us, St. Gemma, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Let us pray
O God, Who fashioned thy servant St Gemma, into a likeness of Thy Crucified Son, grant us through her intercession, the favor that we humbly request, and through the Passion Death and Resurrection of Thy Son, may we be untied with You for all eternity. We ask this through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

DAY 3

Preface: Oh most Divine Lord, we humbly prostrate ourselves before Thy Infinite Majesty, and we adore Thee and dedicate to Thy glory the devout prayers which we now present to Thee, as an act of devotion to your servant, St Gemma Galgani, whose intercession we are now imploring.

O most loving virgin St. Gemma, with an intense love for Jesus you suffered immensely for the conversion of sinners as a victim for sin, and you loved others greatly, out of love for God. Do not forget us then, who remain here on earth, and look down with kindness on us who implore thee, in the confident hope of receiving this favor through thy loving intercession (mention request)
Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory be.

Pray for us, St. Gemma, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Let us pray
O God, Who fashioned thy servant St Gemma, into a likeness of Thy Crucified Son, grant us through her intercession, the favor that we humbly request, and through the Passion Death and Resurrection of Thy Son, may we be untied with You for all eternity. We ask this through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen


#19

** Amen**


#20

OT, but I’ve started work on a St. Gemma prayer book.

It would probably be helpful if I actually used it… :shrug:


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