First of all, I am in a job I hate where I teach kids. Everyday I come home tired and defeated and feel like a completely disrespected loser who just can’t seem to relate to my students and am even finding it hard to relate to anyone. It’s also affecting my faith life because even though i’m at a Catholic school, most of the kids don’t go to mass and are only their because their parents are alums and don’t want to send their kids to the “terrible public schools.” I feel like anymore all I can do is pray rather than try to teach them anything (I teach Theology and Social studies)
Anyway, sometimes I just want to give everything up and just go be a monk and be with God rather than being in the world where things are so tough. Now I would hate being cooped up in a monastery, but any more I’d rather be closer to God and pray rather than fight an uphill battle of trying to live a Godly life in the outside world.
I feel like i’d do more good praying that the world changes rather than trying to do so myself or with others. Also I feel so wrapped up in my possessions and I wish I could just give everything up and follow God and own nothing, not even my own soul since that would belong to God.
The problem is, I know that I can’t just join a religious order just to escape the outside world. I don’t want to run away from the world but at the same time I don’t see what’s wrong with that. I want to hide in God and be in a place where I can be spiritually healthy and focus on myself and God while praying for others rather than trying to get them to do something they don’t care about or be respectful.
I also am sure that I probably have minor depression and I’ve heard most if not all religious orders won’t accept the mentally ill. So what should I do. I wish I could just be closer to God and not have to worry about anything else and simply pray that the world comes to know christ since it feels like that might be the only thing that works,though even now i am skeptical of that