I'm tired of being pushed aside and not having what it takes


#1

I always try being myself and yet it always seems that I am outdone by the other guys out there. I try being nice, being myself, and yet the other guys are smoother, more confident, and better on all counts.

I was talking with some girl online that I know and some other guy chimes in. I act normally, joking around, etc. and yet this guy is so much smoother and confident and it shows (both in how he speaks and how she responds to him with a lot of enthusiasm). You could tell she didn’t seem as interested in me as the other guy and yet I was acting normally, not showing any lack of confidence, etc. And yet I get blown away.

And that seems to happen all the time for me. Other guys get in there and make a splash and the girls go nuts. I talk to them, act normally, and get no response. Other guys get the girls excited, they get bored with me. And I’m sick of being ignored and turned-down by women all the time. I’m going to end-up completely alone and ignored for the rest of my life because women never notice me and yet I don’t seem to be doing anything wrong.

Is it really that hard? :mad:


#2

I am a strong advocate of just acting your natural self, and not putting on this fake exterior that your rico suave.

That said, I understand loneliness. It doesn’t feel good to be passed over. But not all women want those smooth talking players (I’m one of those women).

Hold out for that one girl who will appreciate your qualities. She’s out there somewhere.
In the meantime, try to see the bright side of your singleness.

Our different states of life occur for a reason, even if we can’t comprehend it now. God leads the way, my brother. :cool:


#3

If I got a dollar for everytime someone comes up with a sad story about relationships, yes you guessed it, I’d be a millionaire!

Firstly, I don’t think you should look into things too much, especially if it’s online, so she turns her attention from you to him – um, hello, that usually happens if someone new butts into a conversation :rolleyes: – if it’s online, why do you care so much anyways?

Secondly, stop trying so hard, if and when someone comes along, you’ll be so infatuated and unable to live life as normal that they’ll end up breaking up with you (and yes it happens to millions of people all around the world, all the time) -> Perhaps God is trying to encourage you to GET A LIFE without whinging about not having a girl, so when the time comes that you WILL meet someone, you’ll be able to handle the relationship well.

You can’t even handle being turned down, and are worried about other guys in the playing field…how are you going to handle a full relationship? If I were you, I’d try to change my attitude a bit (this takes some time, but trust me it works – I was once in a stage where you were), and then when you’re not depressed, start getting back into the dating scene, and this means being able to handle rejection. Successfull guys are the ones who keep trying and don’t let rejections bother them, if you’ve not noticed already, life is all about taking those hits and staying up.

Good luck.


#4

[quote="LotusCarsLtd, post:1, topic:198905"]
I always try being myself and yet it always seems that I am outdone by the other guys out there. I try being nice, being myself, and yet the other guys are smoother, more confident, and better on all counts.

I was talking with some girl online that I know and some other guy chimes in. I act normally, joking around, etc. and yet this guy is so much smoother and confident and it shows (both in how he speaks and how she responds to him with a lot of enthusiasm). You could tell she didn't seem as interested in me as the other guy and yet I was acting normally, not showing any lack of confidence, etc. And yet I get blown away.

And that seems to happen all the time for me. Other guys get in there and make a splash and the girls go nuts. I talk to them, act normally, and get no response. Other guys get the girls excited, they get bored with me. And I'm sick of being ignored and turned-down by women all the time. I'm going to end-up completely alone and ignored for the rest of my life because women never notice me and yet I don't seem to be doing anything wrong.

Is it really that hard? :mad:

[/quote]

Make an effort to change yourself. Social skills can be learned and improved with practice. You can learn to make interesting conversation, you can learn the kinds of things that make people excited.

If the Memoirs of a Geisha movie was accurate, those women's life's work was learning these skills in the effort to be an appealing companion to men :p

Don't despair, but take charge and see what you can change to be more attractive to women.

Also, you have to work on your life apart from women because if you don't you run the risk of coming across as desperate. Women smell the slightest hints of desperation and it turns us off. You have to work on being comfortable being single, that will make you appear more confident, easy going, and attractive as well (plus it will make you feel happier).


#5

Hey brother,
you are very young. Give it time, keep being yourself and show interest in other people, and it will happen.
It helps to be passionately interested in something – for you, maybe music? If you focus on what you love, you will become more interested, and interesting.
Your interests indicate that you’re pretty intelligent. So that narrows the field for you – but you will come across a lovely intelligent young woman one day. Just try to be friendly to everyone.


#6

I think that in general, the people in on-line chat rooms tend to be those who excel at social chatter, trivial chit chat. If you find that you are being bested repeatedly at this and therefore are "striking out" with the girls, then you need to operate where trivial chit chat is not the main activity.

For example, do you have hobbies and interests where you can meet girls and the interaction is more substantial? You then have a chance to be yourself in a situation that is more than trivial chit chat. Try club meetings, church projects, volunteer activities, etc. You are more likely to meet a girl at these events that you have a lot in common with and you actually have something to talk about, rather than in a chat room where there is no basis for having anything in common and all that is left is trivial chit chat.


#7

Hi LotusCarsLtd.

To echo one particular sentiment of post # 3 , it does help to keep in mind that it is online.
I know several people who thought they were talking to one type of person online and were (how shall we say) kind of *rudely awakened *to the fact that it was indeed a different type of person they were speaking with.

In these cases, it may actually be a blessing sometimes to not be able to see who you are talking to. Those other "guys" may have actually done you a favour.

:)


#8

[quote="Suspicious_Mind, post:3, topic:198905"]

Firstly, I don't think you should look into things too much, especially if it's online, so she turns her attention from you to him -- um, hello, that usually happens if someone new butts into a conversation :rolleyes: -- if it's online, why do you care so much anyways?

Secondly, stop trying so hard, if and when someone comes along, you'll be so infatuated and unable to live life as normal that they'll end up breaking up with you (and yes it happens to millions of people all around the world, all the time) -> Perhaps God is trying to encourage you to GET A LIFE without whinging about not having a girl, so when the time comes that you WILL meet someone, you'll be able to handle the relationship well.

You can't even handle being turned down, and are worried about other guys in the playing field...how are you going to handle a full relationship? If I were you, I'd try to change my attitude a bit (this takes some time, but trust me it works -- I was once in a stage where you were), and then when you're not depressed, start getting back into the dating scene, and this means being able to handle rejection. Successfull guys are the ones who keep trying and don't let rejections bother them, if you've not noticed already, life is all about taking those hits and staying up.

Good luck.

[/quote]

I agree with the above statements....

LotusCarsLtd - you've had numerous negative posts about women/self confidence in recent months. Don't let this kind of thing bother you. Just live your daily life and do things you like to do. Work on meeting new people, enhancing your social skills, becoming a more well rounded and better person.

It seems to me like you are forcing things too much with these girls. You put too much pressure on yourself like if all of a sudden a girl stops talking to you or seems more receptive to someone else, etc. Don't think too much into it. Maybe it was temporary and maybe it is genuine. Who knows, but is it really worth getting worked up about? No. Spending time worrying about things is just not worth your time....do something constructive instead.

[quote="flyingfish, post:4, topic:198905"]
Make an effort to change yourself. Social skills can be learned and improved with practice. You can learn to make interesting conversation, you can learn the kinds of things that make people excited.

Also, you have to work on your life apart from women because if you don't you run the risk of coming across as desperate. Women smell the slightest hints of desperation and it turns us off. You have to work on being comfortable being single, that will make you appear more confident, easy going, and attractive as well (plus it will make you feel happier).

[/quote]

That is good advice. You do need to be happily single before you can get into a equal relationship. Lets say you do find a girl when you are a distressed mental state...then she is crutch for you and the relationship doesn't have a solid foundation. There will be inevitable issues in the future.

LotusCarsLtd - You sound like a great guy, just go about your life not worrying about finding a girl to date. Instead just meet lots of women, show them indirectly how good you are and get to know them. Eventually they will see how good of a catch you are.

You are young...being single while you are in college isn't so bad. Really.


#9

If you change your focus off of your struggle with girls and onto Christ.... It will be more clear to you, who/what He is guiding you too!
Be thankful to God for everything, even the hard situation you are in because He has a greater plan for you!!
Believe in Him and lean on Him.
Walk closer to Christ and He will make clear your vocation.
When in doubt, feeling down, and pushed aside....INCREASE YOUR FAITH!
In His time, not yours...
God Bless


#10

If it’s any consolation the same thing happens to me time and time again. I’m not the flirty type and am not good at it. It seem guys only go for the flirty fun loving girls who use them and then move on quickly. I’ve seen this happen 3xs to me this year and watched amazed as these guys were hooked by these girls then dumped in quick succession. :shrug:


#11

This is simple, elementary stuff pal. The other folks suggesting you "get a life" and all of that are exactly right. And I don't mean that in a condescending way, I mean that in a very real way.

First off, enough of the whole chatting online with people. Yes, I know it's worked for some folks but unless you simply can't find a nice Catholic girl around your area I'd stay away. Plenty of weirdos out there and people who use the Internet for dating tend to also have shortcomings not only socially but elsewhere. That doesn't mean you can't be on Catholic dating sites and look up good Catholic women in your area; I just mean if you do that, try to do some back and forth email and then find a place to meet face to face. Chatting online gets you basically nowhere.

But before all of that, seriously... get a life. Find something in which to invest your time. Become good at something, other than meeting/speaking to women. It could even be something you're already naturally good at but haven't invested the time to make it a part of your life. You'll gain confidence from that and women are attracted to confidence more than anything else. Why do you think jerks tend to attract some women? Because there are few men who are truly confident and self-assured, so they go for the imitation in the form of false bravado and jerkiness.

Don't focus so much on finding "the one." You're quite young yet and getting hung up about "being alone forever" is only likely to a) make you depressed and b) make you depressing and less attractive to women. Focus on improving on your talents and skills to give yourself confidence. Forget about trying hard to find a girl, because honestly, once you start focusing on you (and God and the community) women will come to you because you'll be put together, self-assured and confident.


#12

[quote="The_Bucket, post:11, topic:198905"]

Don't focus so much on finding "the one." You're quite young yet and getting hung up about "being alone forever" is only likely to a) make you depressed and b) make you depressing and less attractive to women. Focus on improving on your talents and skills to give yourself confidence. Forget about trying hard to find a girl, because honestly, once you start focusing on you (and God and the community) women will come to you because you'll be put together, self-assured and confident.

[/quote]

The Bucket is right. Stop worrying about dating and just do things to improve your life. As things are going well, girls will come to you. I can tell you first hand that this is true. I have lots of women approaching/flirting with me because I honestly can say I am happy, confident, and I get out and do lots of things where I meet new people. The women I meet may or may not end up in a relationship or friendship, but the point is that they are interested in me and attracted to me. Not only that, but I am not even a flirty person by nature either. I'm pretty serious in general, but very friendly/social... you don't need to be 'smooth' to attract women.


#13

LotusCarsLtd. -

You are in, what some of us call, a failure spirial.

The important thing is to actually develop some hobbies and other interests. Join some clubs. Put yourself out there.

Most importantly, you have to try to stop the negative thinking. I know it's tough.

Your social skills will get better with practice. Go out and practice!

1000th post :)


#14

[quote="Jay82, post:12, topic:198905"]
*...*you don't need to be 'smooth' to attract women.

[/quote]

This is so true. I met my husband online on avemariasingles.com almost 6 years ago (dang, has it really been that long:p) and I'll tell you what, my husband is anything but "smooth" or "confident" yet he had my heart very quickly. I ended up having to do a lot of the initiating early on because he is such a shy internal guy who I would say lacks some self-confidence. Didn't matter to me because I looked on the inside, got to know him better, got to know the honest, loyal, sweet man that was underneath. I didn't care for the "flashy" men, I wanted someone who was true to themselves. A woman that is easily swooned by "flashiness" is probably someone you wouldn't really want anyways. :shrug:

Also, I agree with the posters saying don't get too bent up over the online chats, it's just casual online chatting anyways. :shrug: When the right woman comes along, things will fall into place, don't get bent up over it.


#15

Absolutely. For me, it was getting out of my geek-type lifestyle and training BJJ/MMA for several years. I miss the heck out of it; almost three years since I’ve been able to train because of engaged/married life and lack of funds. But those few years of training and becoming a fairly decent fighter gave me confidence and was a measure of attraction to women.

Confident? Check. Interest in something unique? Check. Ability to defend self and those vulnerable? Check. Generally looking more masculine and powerful because I was in better shape? Check. I wasn’t thinking about finding a girl at all at the time, just something to do with my life while I was in college that wasn’t studying, working, grabbing a beer or playing videogames. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made because it gave me confidence and a great segue into a date with my now wife when she mentioned she liked boxing during our “reconnecting” conversation back in June '06.


#16

For confidence I have been learning bass for about a year now and my friends and I are starting a band. I also do choir at church. But even then I still find myself getting distraught if I, say, mess something up or don’t get something right. And that’s the issue…I can be confident but it is very fragile and easily shattered. I KNOW I am good at certain things (maybe better than others), I know I look good, and I know I am more responsible, for example, than most of my peers. And I know I am accomplished in many areas. And yet I still have the confidence issues.

Any advice? I do have the hobbies in place and I am fostering them. What next?


#17

When I was in my late teens to early thirtys I spent more time than I care to admit worrying I will never meet the one. I am now 40 and still haven’t met him. I guess you could say I gave up and decided to learn to accept being single.

So my advice to you: ‘No matter what God’s will is going to happen. And since my worst fear did end up becoming true, I wish I would have spent all that time having fun. It was all wasted’

I know when I was your age, I would have not appreciated reading this post so I don’t blame you if you don’t like what I said. But I can say being 40 and single is not nearly as hard as I though it would be

CM


#18

True, but I do feel strongly drawn to marriage as a vocation. And I want to ensure I am over my insecurities so as to be the best husband and father I can be.


#19

Do you have any physical hobbies? Maybe something like martial arts? I did martial arts for a while, and I felt very strong and confident and I’m not even a guy :smiley:


#20

This is a great suggestion, I do martial arts too and I strongly agree with it, it will boost morale, determination, and your overall mental health greatly!


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