Im turning into a mean cold shouldered woman


I went to an opening for a bar some time ago. There is this guy, “Ian” I have been mutual friends with through my sister, “Joan” for over a decade. Well he went to the opening as well. He saw me and getting to know more about me, became quite smitten. Since then, he has made a few attempts to get me to go out with him, but I just laugh it off, or be nice…, and say hahaha “Ian,” you’re so funny. Probably not nice to give an undercurrent of sarcasm, but he threw back a few drinks. He was getting a little too handsy. I was just pawing him off, and saying, “hey, don’t touch me,” to which my other sister “April” assured him, that just like her, not to touch me and had to tell him that she doesn’t like that either. Well he is kind of insistant. Now if he was a new guy, like Earl, who happen to come with Joan, I wouldn’t have had a problem not giving him eye contact, and restraining from being nice. My friend “Amy,” is a woman who God graced with a gorgeous face. She has always tried to let men feel better about themselves by just giving them some focus and listening attention. So I knew she was being nice out of charity as she has done before.
OK, where do I stand with Ian? He is quite financially secure, slightly annoying, slightly cool, has a past I do not like hearing about. Not interested in dating at all. To be honest, I really don’t want to be seen with this guy again…, if I say anything under my breather about someone or myself, he is quick to tell others and joke about it.

Im not really interested in marriage anymore, but for some reason, people can’t accept this, moreover Ian cannot because he is not Catholic, I was kind of sick with the why why why questions, well I got blunt and asked him, “Well are you a virgin, Ian?” He had a lot of drinks, so the truth came out, and he said, “Well I’m part Greek, so no, I chase tail a lot…,” well I honestly looked at him and said, ”Well then, that wouldn’t be a fair trade then, would it?” Mean? Perhaps. Sorry but when he responded the way he did…, he turned into a diseased possibility…, has a reputation for dating girls who are far younger than him, he is pushing 50, and I am in my early 30’s, he usually talks to girls in their 20’s and his last girlfriend was 19. Hm somehow he says, he can’t get them to settle down. Again I shot back, "Well, were you ready to segtle at 19?"
Meanwhile, I go bike riding with my friend Amy a couple days later. I tell her that Joan told me that Earl thought he had a chance with her. Amy laughs, I, huffing and puffing ask Amy…, so are we supposed to hide under a rock? We can’t even be nice to guys or strangers anymore, because they actually think it is opportunity for them. Joan keeps trying to tell me to just blow Ian off and try to set him up with someone who has a disease because that is what he deserves. I don’t know anyone like this, I don’t have the vile intent. Well Ian invited me to his birthday…, and he adamantly requested me to come…, he asked Joan if I would come, and now I have to respond his email. What do I tell him? I can’t be nice to this guy because he doesn’t accept that, he’ll take advantage and keep pushing. Should I resort to making an excuse?

Sorry if this is arrogant, I have been on here a year, the last thing I ever talk about are these kind of relationships. Should I or Amy feel guilty for being nice?


You are not obliged to go to Ian’s party or with putting up with his behavior. Frankly, if you want to meet nice men, whether you want to marry or not, don’t go to bars. That’s why guys like Ian hang out there–to try to get women into bed. So, change your set of men friends, don’t go to bars to socialize, get involved in some group in your parish/diocese (if you aren’t already). That’s my advise, for what it’s worth. :slight_smile:


*…“I chase tail a lot…” BUZZER GOES OFF…EEEEEHHHHH (sorry that’s my buzzer sound) What’s behind door # 2? lol :smiley:

Sorry, that guy sounds…nothing like marriage material. And if you are looking at dating as a bridge to marriage someday, Ian is not the man. He admits to ‘chasing tail?’ Come on. Pray for him…but I would be adamant and say, Ian I’m not interested, sorry.

You don’t need to explain yourself.

Don’t look at dicernment as turning into a mean woman. You’re far from mean, I have read your posts on here. :o *


You are a lot nice than I am - I would have knocked him off his barstool the second time he got handsy with me. But that is why my Patron Saint is Joan of Arc. lol :knight1::knight2::slapfight::stretcher:


Wish this guy “Hapyy Birthday”, send regrets that you will not attend the party and send him on his way. He is just another guy you are not interested in dating.


I don’t think you even need to reply to his email. He sounds like he is pushy and won’t take no for an answer, so you don’t really owe him an answer. He’ll figure it out eventually, that you are not just some new challenge to amuse him.


I’m not sure if telling him flat out that he can’t accept no for an answer and therefore you wouldn’t come because he would take it the wrong way wouldn’t actually make things worse. Guys who can’t take a no, won’t take it at any point, short of hearing something very mean from you (and then they’ll probably think you’ve changed your mind on the way). Having been one, I kinda know how this works. :rolleyes:


If someone is getting “handsy” with you and won’t back off, it doesn’t matter whose relative he is, or how long you’ve known him - you are well within your rights to change places and go sit with someone else for a change, or even to call for a taxi and go home.

As for the e-mail:

Well Ian invited me to his birthday…, and he adamantly requested me to come…,

And? Just because he adamantly requests, doesn’t mean that you have to agree to it. You are also allowed to be adamant, and you can adamantly say, “No.”

he asked Joan if I would come, and now I have to respond his email.

What does Joan have to do with it? Is she suddenly your social secretary, now? You don’t “have” to do anything you don’t want to do.

What do I tell him? I can’t be nice to this guy because he doesn’t accept that, he’ll take advantage and keep pushing. Should I resort to making an excuse?

You don’t have to tell him anything. As a courtesy you can say, “I received your invitation and I am unable to accept it; I will not be attending your party,” so that he doesn’t plan for you to be there, but he really doesn’t need an explanation or an excuse from you.


All I can say is they weren’t kidding when they said to beware of Greeks bearing gifts.


(You sure ian isn’t my xh?)

As the female, you have the right to be picky. You are a prize. Someone better earn you. You determine your value.

Don’t ever settle. And if a man can’t tell the difference between polite and “come to bed with me” with you, he probably doesn’t with every other woman he meets.

Some people can’t take a hint, especially when their ego tells them every woman wants them.

Be busy that night. And every other night. Someone who deserves you may come along. And if he doesn’t, why just hand yourself to someone who doesn’t deserve you. That’s a recipe for a lifetime of misery.


I did know that Ian was going to be there, but he had never been so interested before. I mean what does that say? I have known him 10 years. It was a bar opening for a relative, I needed to show to support them.


No joke Sharon, right? I mean wow, money definitely isn’t everything. I do pray for him. These are the guys I have always steered clear from, and I am not even attracted to these guys, I guess I can just tell that they, too…, are looking for a stable person, which is why I try to be nice…, but at the same time, I know so much of their history and can predict a fall in the relationship too…, I mean that is important too, right? I am sick of the hey just find someone for finding someone sake. I have never been desperate. I just do not find it fair that he likes my image and I wont have the same good things to say about him.


Oh God gave me the strength that night to be completely calm, I do not quite have it all together all the time. Had that been a regular schmoe I dont think I would have focused any attetion on them like I did with that Earl guy.


He went to Joan it seems to me as an intermediary and assurance as to my appearance. I spoke right away to Joan asking her why she told him that, I mean she knows I am not big on him and have not liked the reception from him since seeing him at the bar. Ugh, my own sister is selling me off! See, I dont feel I am wrong wanting to hide under a rock, but for christian purposes, I cannot do that either.


LOL Libs:D…, I would not be surprised that if in the last 10 years he had a secret family and never acknowleged them, I wrote on here once of a guy who did that, but because I am on the fence about too much and rightfully so, I worked with this one guy for over two months, I and others helped him move, we all went out for drinks afterward…, but he never said too much…, and that was a red flag to me…, opening night of a show, his girlfriend shows up, ahem, his live in girlfriend for four years, freakn wow, NO sign of a woman in his moving, not one story about her did he share to me or my peers…, I thought to put myself in her shoes and not even acknowledge my existance to others was so completely inappropriate…, and thought great, this is another off the wall question I have to ask right off the bat. Dealing with the ignorance of them taking too much interest in you while they are already committed to someone else or in an understanding, unfortunately I feel this Ian guy could have the same capabilities.

You are right, I will be busy that night.

For all other people…, his last line in the e-mail was, “Will you be there?”

I will answer him that I have another commitment that night and I hope he has a nice birthday. Pretty cut and dried to me. Hope that is enough.


OLHope- one thing does occur to me and you seem very sweet so please take no offense. But if you keep hanging at bars and drinking spots you are going to catch only barflies. Find yourself some nice singles events at Church or some hobbies. It will attract better quality men.


I typically go to these a few times a year to meet up with friends, but yeah I have a feeling I will have to go because we will be having a lot of events here, plus it is getting great reviews. It is a shame that these are guys who I already know, strange men do not do this all the time.


I certainly hope you do not start dating this man just because you can’t say no and feel social pressure.


Always resist social pressure and don’t do anything you disagree with under it. You’ve managed to stay a virgin in this kind of society, so you’ve taken a lot of flak from people already, no doubt. You can easily take the little there is for telling a guy to go away - you’re already handling the situation very well.


If you ever really need to the extra umph it will take to say no to this guy just picture him with a big clown nose and Halloween devil costume horns(that is what he is trying to get you to give up). Then picture him dressed that and behaving that way on a date. The mere adolescent humor of the thought ought to quell any social pressure. :yup::extrahappy::bigyikes::rotfl::hypno::bounce::whacky::juggle::ouch:


Dulci and Chev…

I used to have a serious problem with “disease to please,” if I could go back in time, I could tell you how many compliments my mother received about my sister and I. They ask, “What did you do ‘Helen’? Such good manners, they help out all the time, they are well behaved, smart, and well controlled. What are you teaching them?” I cannot tell you how my mother’s head swelled at these words.

I do confess that I make a big effort at being more low key…, I am not what would typically be considered attractive in any case…, I am frumpy, I dont wear makeup, however I am very tall and broad shouldered, intimidating looking for a woman…, I dont mean to be…, but I get very b*tchy when the aura becomes awkward or tense in some way. I get upset talking to friends the last 10 years when they tell me I WILL have to do this, that, or the other if I settle down or as they have fallen, kept a boyfriend and submitted before they were married. I only have that one percent. However for me and my age, it is more like .01%

I’ll tell you…, the more I talked to Ian that night, the more he kept focus on me…, esp when I said that virgin thing, he behaved like I was the only person in the room. Mentally I was like wow, where was all of this all the time I knew you?

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit