I'm upset...help me diffuse


#1

Something happened that I need to speak with fellow Catholics.

I'm very upset, so forgive me if ramble.

My son (9) is studying for a religion test on the Fifth Commandment. He was reading the text book out-loud, when he saw a picture of Pro-life demonstrators, with signs that say "Protect the Unborn"

Up until this point, all is calm, until he says, "Mommy is it true some women don't want to be mothers, so they kill their babies?" So I braced myself, for the talk. I asked him where he learned this. I was wondering if it was the teacher, I was puzzled on how come we weren't given notice about the subject matter.

It wasn't school.

DS normally rides in my mini-van. DH took him in his car recently...and forgot to clean it out. DH does pro-life work and had pamphlets in the back seat. DS found one, and asked DH about it. DH told him....but also told my DS to not let me know because I would be mad...and he would be punished.

So poor little boy has known about this for about 3 weeks, yet hasn't been able to speak to me about it. :( :mad:

Just some background, DS is not very mature 9 year old, when he plays he prefers younger quieter kids to play with.

Right now, I am furious with DH. This is one of the BIGGEST talks that he could have with DS but he did it on his own, did not inform me, didn't think I should know about it, and threatened punishment. :confused::mad:

I'm also furious that he was so careless with the material. What would possess him to leave it where our children could find it so easily? I'm an adult, and one of the pamphlets disturbs me.

My son is upset...he asked if he could speak to the school counselor. My head is spinning and I am seriously questioning my DH's judgment.

Please, help. :(


#2

Wow!

The most concerning issue here is "Don't tell mom or you will get punished..."

You do need to calm down, and have a very serious talk with DH. Nothing like teaching a child they can't tell their parents something. This is what people who take advantage of children do. And an authority figure to your son just taught him that it's ok to keep serious things from mommy. And if he doesn't... he's in trouble...

That needs to be the number one thing that you and DH re address with your son. That daddy was wrong to tell him that.

And that daddy wasn't ready to answer some tough questions, he paniced and that's what he said...

And then let your child ask the questions freely.

Good luck!


#3

[quote="faithfully, post:2, topic:230765"]
Wow!

The most concerning issue here is "Don't tell mom or you will get punished..."

You do need to calm down, and have a very serious talk with DH. Nothing like teaching a child they can't tell their parents something. This is what people who take advantage of children do. And an authority figure to your son just taught him that it's ok to keep serious things from mommy. And if he doesn't... he's in trouble...

That needs to be the number one thing that you and DH re address with your son. That daddy was wrong to tell him that.

And that daddy wasn't ready to answer some tough questions, he paniced and that's what he said...

And then let your child ask the questions freely.

Good luck!

[/quote]

I know! Gosh, I can't imagine not being able to come to me. Poor kid. MY DH is an adult, but I am really questioning his judgment. :o:mad:


#4

Well, you certainly are right to be upset. But consider that it won't happen again if your husband isn't afraid of your wrath :) So, try to be calm when you talk to him about it. He was totally wrong to threaten your son, and he was totally wrong not to tell you about it, but he was afraid of getting in trouble with you. If you want it to not happen again, take care how you correct it.

As to him leaving things out for the little ones to find, well that sometimes happens. He made a mistake. Ask him to leave all that stuff in the trunk where kids can't find it, so it won't happen again...


#5

[quote="Rence, post:4, topic:230765"]
Well, you certainly are right to be upset. But consider that it won't happen again if your husband isn't afraid of your wrath :) So, try to be calm when you talk to him about it. He was totally wrong to threaten your son, and he was totally wrong not to tell you about it, but he was afraid of getting in trouble with you. If you want it to not happen again, take care how you correct it.

As to him leaving things out for the little ones to find, well that sometimes happens. He made a mistake. Ask him to leave all that stuff in the trunk where kids can't find it, so it won't happen again.../QUOTE]

I have, lots and lots of times.:(

[/quote]


#6

I agree your husband shouldn't have said, "don't tell your mom" but in my mind that's a separate issue from what he said to your son. Maybe the reason he didn't want your son to tell you was that would react the way you are now.

I don't think what he told him was wrong or untrue. It's almost the same words I used with my kids (9 and under) when we went to the march for life. It was difficult to actually tell my kids using the word kill, but that is what it is.

If it were me I would talk to DH about these as separate issues. Focusing mainly on why he didn't want your DS to talk to you about it.


#7

[quote="Mary_Gail_36, post:5, topic:230765"]

QUOTE]

I have, lots and lots of times.:(

I don't mean to insult you or your hubby, but if you've asked him lots and lots of times, and he still doesn't do it, then treat him like a child and do it yourself as you check the car after he parks it. I would think it'd be in the trunk now that an accident already happened, and if it's not in the trunk..well, then maybe he needs to be checked on? Because that's what I would do :p If something was where I didn't want it, I'd move it :p
[/quote]


#8

but in my mind that's a separate issue from what he said to your son. Maybe the reason he didn't want your son to tell you was that would react the way you are now.

I don't think what he told him was wrong or untrue. It's almost the same words I used with my kids (9 and under) when we went to the march for life. It was difficult to actually tell my kids using the word kill, but that is what it is.

If it were me I would talk to DH about these as separate issues. Focusing mainly on why he didn't want your DS to talk to you about it.

That is why I'm upset.

DH told him the truth, yes. But he kept that from me, and told our son to keep it from me. If he saw a specific pamphlet, then of course he would want to talk to someone about it. I can't imagine not being allowed to talk to me about it. One of the pamphlets shows parts of babies in garbage bags. We have a preemie. Those pictures are hard for me to see...my little boy shouldn't have seen them.


#9

Have you asked your husband his side of the story? Kids can spin things a little funny sometimes.
I tell my little ones the truth about abortion, they see the horrible pictures of the aborted babies when we go picketing. It is upsetting for them but they understand how important it is to try to stop that. I think how freaked out they are by the pictures is going to be proportionate to how you handle it. You need to reasure him that we can help save babies with our prayers and that Daddy is doing as much as he can to help them.


#10

[quote="sherimarie, post:9, topic:230765"]
Have you asked your husband his side of the story? Kids can spin things a little funny sometimes.
I tell my little ones the truth about abortion, they see the horrible pictures of the aborted babies when we go picketing. It is upsetting for them but they understand how important it is to try to stop that. I think how freaked out they are by the pictures is going to be proportionate to how you handle it. You need to reasure him that we can help save babies with our prayers and that Daddy is doing as much as he can to help them.

[/quote]

No he's not home yet...that's why I need to difuse.:)


#11

I find it highly disturbing that your DH would tell your son "don't tell mommy, or she will punish you". Not just about this subject, but at all. What kind of parent encourages their child to keep secrets from the other parent? And tries to instill fear of the other parent in the child? That would worry me way more than the fact that he is irresponsible with his pamphlets, or had a talk with your son about a very important and serious subject.
I would definitely get to the bottom of it with him, and I would probably also wonder if, and how often, this has happened before. What other things was your son told not to tell you about?


#12

[quote="Snugglebugmom, post:11, topic:230765"]
I find it highly disturbing that your DH would tell your son "don't tell mommy, or she will punish you". Not just about this subject, but at all. What kind of parent encourages their child to keep secrets from the other parent? And tries to instill fear of the other parent in the child? That would worry me way more than the fact that he is irresponsible with his pamphlets, or had a talk with your son about a very important and serious subject.
I would definitely get to the bottom of it with him, and I would probably also wonder if, and how often, this has happened before. What other things was your son told not to tell you about?

[/quote]

Thanks, I actually just spoke to my DH.

He told me DS found the pamphlet, he explained what it was for. He told me he thought that he covered it sufficiently so he didn't think he needed to tell me.

I asked if he told him to keep it from me. He said he told DS to not tell anybody about it, (I guess to protect the other children that he knows and our other children) I think that DS might have misunderstood.

We'll speak further when he gets home.


#13

Well, that's a much better explanation... I think the topic warrant more discussion.

It's rare that a child learns about something like this and ISN'T disturbed... it's just is wrong. He should be encouraged to ask you BOTH more questions... and then yeah, you might tell him to hold off discussing it with other children... because it's so upsetting...


#14

[quote="armywife, post:6, topic:230765"]
*I agree your husband shouldn't have said, "don't tell your mom" but in my mind that's a separate issue from what he said to your son. Maybe the reason he didn't want your son to tell you was that would react the way you are now. *

I don't think what he told him was wrong or untrue. It's almost the same words I used with my kids (9 and under) when we went to the march for life. It was difficult to actually tell my kids using the word kill, but that is what it is.

If it were me I would talk to DH about these as separate issues. Focusing mainly on why he didn't want your DS to talk to you about it.

[/quote]

Exactly what I was thinking.

I understand that you (the OP) might be angry about what your husband did, but when you say you are "furious" it helps me understand why he didn't want your son to speak with you about it. Instead of questioning his judgement, try to understand why he did what he did. As for leaving the pamphlet in the car, I think that's just an honest mistake. I saw some pretty nasty things when I was 9, and I'm sane. You can't protect your kids from everything, and at least it's a pro-life issue, not a horror movie poster or something.

Finally, why does your son want to talk with a school counselor? How is this situation related to the school, and what counseling is necessary for such an incident?


#15

He goes to Catholic school and the 5th commandment was being discussed. I’m not sure he understands the counselor’s function completely. He understands the counselor is there to speak to if one is feeling “nervous”

He described to me the picture he saw, it was a baby killed in a later term abortion. Just so you have some back story, we had a preemie two years ago. It was pretty traumatic for him, paramedics came for me in the middle of the night.

He wasn’t allowed to see his brother (except briefly from a window) until the baby’s release…but he has seen pictures of how he looked… quite similar to the dead baby. :frowning:

We had a chance to speak (DH and I) and we cleared it up. I am not upset that the talk happened, although I wish it wasn’t yet necessary . I was upset that I wasn’t told about it since it is a very important subject. I am his mom.

DS misunderstood DH regarding telling me…he was told to not tell everybody.

Thanks all for your advice and posts.


#16

Marriage is about communication. You are talking to the wrong people. You need to sit down and talk with your husband. If you are too upset or angry to do that, send him a text. I find that my husband and I resolve issues better via text as there are no body signals to misinterpert.


#17

I think if I heard something that bothered me coming from my child I would go directly to the source, just to verify what really happened. After following up with your husband the story sounds much more innocent and understandable.
Obviously this is something the two of you need to discuss more openly and together... I hope the conversations with your son go well.
I've had a few little conversations with my boys (now 8 and almost-6) about abortion... I tried not to go into too much detail at first, but just explained the basics and taught them to pray for everyone involved in abortion...


#18

[quote="Mary_Gail_36, post:15, topic:230765"]
He goes to Catholic school and the 5th commandment was being discussed. I'm not sure he understands the counselor's function completely. He understands the counselor is there to speak to if one is feeling "nervous"

He described to me the picture he saw, it was a baby killed in a later term abortion. Just so you have some back story, we had a preemie two years ago. It was pretty traumatic for him, paramedics came for me in the middle of the night.

He wasn't allowed to see his brother (except briefly from a window) until the baby's release...but he has seen pictures of how he looked... quite similar to the dead baby. :(

We had a chance to speak (DH and I) and we cleared it up. I am not upset that the talk happened, although I wish it wasn't yet necessary . I was upset that I wasn't told about it since it is a very important subject. I am his mom.

DS misunderstood DH regarding telling me...he was told to not tell everybody.

Thanks all for your advice and posts.

[/quote]

I understand. I'm glad things were cleared up. :)


#19

I had a preemie, too. We have the pictures of her, and her sisters have seen the pictures.

All our girls know about what abortion is. The 3, 2, and 0 year olds do not understand the conversations yet, but they are present when they are conducted. By the time they are old enough to understand, they will already know. (I know that this approach works this way because I have already used it with the three older ones.)

Yes, abortion horrifies my children. That is because it IS horrifying, and I do not want my children ever, EVER to be able to rationalize it as "not that bad" because they do not know what is really involved.

My children, however, are not traumatized by the knowledge. They function just fine, and they are bright and cheerful children. But they understand that there are horrible things in the world, and they must pray to stop them.


#20

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