I'm very lost, confused about sex and love


#1

I'm 20 years old and I am a virgin. I am catholic and I love my faith as well as God, Jesus and the Virgin Mary. I just find it hard to believe that I will remain a virgin until I am married. I know that it is a sin, but why must it wait until marriage why can't it be about love? I am just so confused about why God would give us the ability to have this great pleasure but only let us use it for bringing life into this world. I do want children, but I want to experience sex with someone I love before marriage. I also find myself being angry with God, because I feel like he isn't listening, like my prayers are never worth answering. Is it because of my sinful thoughts!?! Is God shutting me out because I can't control my temptations? I love him with all my heart with all of my soul, but I find it so hard to shake these temptations. I feel like my temptations are a result of the heartbreak I have had through out my life, I don't understand why I was put through so much pain when it comes to love, why everyone I love eventually leaves me so I blame God, and I get angry. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for all of this. Am I going to hell? Jesus died for our sins and as a human we are naturally going to be sinners, no one is perfect and no one will remain without sin. I love God, and when I sin I am not thinking about hurting God, and when I sin it doesn't make me love him any less. I am just confused about a lot of things, I know my post is scatter brained but any thoughts I would love to hear, I can take all the help I can get!

God Bless.


#2

[quote="lost18, post:1, topic:179757"]
I'm 20 years old and I am a virgin. I am catholic and I love my faith as well as God, Jesus and the Virgin Mary. I just find it hard to believe that I will remain a virgin until I am married.I know that it is a sin, but why must it wait until marriage why can't it be about love? I am just so confused about why God would give us the ability to have this great pleasure but only let us use it for bringing life into this world. I do want children, but I want to experience sex with someone I love before marriage. I also find myself being angry with God, because I feel like he isn't listening, like my prayers are never worth answering. Is it because of my sinful thoughts!?! Is God shutting me out because I can't control my temptations? I love him with all my heart with all of my soul, but I find it so hard to shake these temptations. I feel like my temptations are a result of the heartbreak I have had through out my life, I don't understand why I was put through so much pain when it comes to love, why everyone I love eventually leaves me so I blame God, and I get angry. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for all of this. Am I going to hell? Jesus died for our sins and as a human we are naturally going to be sinners, no one is perfect and no one will remain without sin. I love God, and when I sin I am not thinking about hurting God, and when I sin it doesn't make me love him any less. I am just confused about a lot of things, I know my post is scatter brained but any thoughts I would love to hear, I can take all the help I can get!

God Bless.

[/quote]

Well first off you are Catholic, virgin, and you love God. Those are three things to be proud off. Many people don't even meet two of those at your age. :thumbsup:

I know that it is a sin, but why must it wait until marriage why can't it be about love?

That's exactly what it is though. Chastity is about putting sex in it's proper place and that is inside marriage. When the sacrament of marriage truly occurs two people are bonded forever on earth. You can't be in love any deeper than that so why should sex be outside that sacred bond? Doing it before marriage shows a lack of respect for each other. If you care for someone, let alone love them, you'll wait for marriage.

Now as far as your prayer life and personal relationship with God it seems you could use some educational sources about the faith and church. God isn't black and white/cut and dry Being and we must accept that He works in ways beyond our knowledge. However, the more we try to educative ourselves, we can better learn how to please & Him do His will. And in return you will feel a lot closer to Him, by being a brighter Catholic. I don't know how involved in your parish you are, but I would start there and see if there are any theology classes you can take. Aside from that, continue to search CAF. This place has lots of resources concerning the faith and different types of people to ask questions.

Understand that we all have crosses to bear, but don't lose hope, there is light at the end of this life.


#3

Sex has 2 purposes - life-giving like you mentioned, but also love-giving. What could be better than saving sex for your future spouse? That's the ultimate way of telling them "I love you." I'm 23, and I'm still a virgin and am resolved to stay this way until I'm married. Just hang in there :thumbsup: You have to trust God that He knows what's best.


#4

Don’t have sex until after you get married, preferably to another devout Catholic.

Stick with that and you will be fine.

What you need to do is come up with some humorous but inoffensive script lines to fend off those who want you to depart from a high moral standard.


#5

I am a father of ten children and my advice to you is to continue doing what is right. You will not miss out, you should not be seeking such things until you can see a relationship through to its true proper ending, that being marriage. You have come this far, do not give up and toss in the towel for an experience that is only a moment of passion. True love comes from deep sharing within marriage which is actually releasing in its purity. Marriage is not just procreative (child bearing) but also unitive( making the couple one) through the giving of one to another.

You are separating the act from marriage which is not what God intended. I realise that in today’s society it is not easy to forget about sex as it is flaunted in every manner possible and it is becoming harder to maintain a pure mind. Do not give up you will be rewarded for your efforts with a lasting marriage relationship I am sure of that.


#6

I understand what you guys are saying but it still leaves me with more questions. If sex is intended for marriage and true love then why does God allow us to fall deeply in love more than once, futhermore why do people not end up marrying their true love? Marriage these days has more to do with benefits and money rather than love…so if I have sex before marriage and it is a true act of love how could God see that as an evil act? Also I have seen couples who waited until marriage and their marriage fell apart because they weren’t sexually compatible, these are people truly in love but because they didn’t get to experience sex it led them to cheating and experimenting with things that are truly unholy. If premarital sex can prevent greater Sins from occuring how does God view you then? Are you still unholy? The bible says that sometimes we will be led to sin in order to be led to good.


#7

If it wasn’t for premarital sex I wouldn’t have this wonderful bundle of joy pressing keys on my laptop as I type this. If my year old son is not a gift from God, I don’t know what is.

EDIT: Think about Jesus 2 commandments: treat others as you would treat yourself and love God with all your heart. In my opinion, as long as you are genuine with love making, and both parties know what they are doing, it doesn’t break either one of these commandments.


#8

There is only one “true” love and that is love for God. Marriage is not about finding that one “true love”, it doesn’t exist if that is your standard your spouse will always let you down. Don’t get me wrong marriage does involve love, but it is secondary to God. The love in marriage helps us get closer to God. Marriage is about finding somebody who you can raise a family with and who can help each other get closer to God and get into heaven. In the past many holy marriages were arranged marriage according to custom.

Somebody who abandons a marriage over “sexual compatibility” is committing a grave error. There is something wrong if they do this. If you love your spouse as God intends, it is not their body or sexual ability that attracts you and keeps you in “love”. Your spouse becomes the definition of beauty for you. You don’t have relations for your own gratification, but to achieve marital unity. Your thought are on the other not yourself.

Premarital sex leads to grave sins, it is a grave sin. Sexual sins are what lead others into sins not proper chastity. :confused: Unchaste sins make you feel worse and empty.

God Bless


#9

For the same reason marriage isn’t about sex. It’s harmful to a relationship knowing that the person you are with is willing to have sex with someone they aren’t married to.

I am just so confused about why God would give us the ability to have this great pleasure but only let us use it for bringing life into this world. I do want children, but I want to experience sex with someone I love before marriage.

True sex is primarily for procreation. But not entirely. You are free to enjoy sex with your spouse while not necessarily focusing on conceiving children. This is why we have NPF. Having sex before marriage just creates anxiety. It’s painful for a spouse to feel as though they are constantly being compared to the other people you’ve had sex with.

I also find myself being angry with God, because I feel like he isn’t listening, like my prayers are never worth answering. Is it because of my sinful thoughts!?! Is God shutting me out because I can’t control my temptations? I love him with all my heart with all of my soul, but I find it so hard to shake these temptations. I feel like my temptations are a result of the heartbreak I have had through out my life, I don’t understand why I was put through so much pain when it comes to love, why everyone I love eventually leaves me so I blame God, and I get angry. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for all of this. Am I going to hell? Jesus died for our sins and as a human we are naturally going to be sinners, no one is perfect and no one will remain without sin. I love God, and when I sin I am not thinking about hurting God, and when I sin it doesn’t make me love him any less. I am just confused about a lot of things, I know my post is scatter brained but any thoughts I would love to hear, I can take all the help I can get!

Do you know the closer you get to God, the harder the devil works on you? There are many saints that have had a “dark night of the soul” where they go years and years and years without feeling God’s presense. But they remained faithful and God eventually got them through it. Most of the time, we just forget how to listen. Once it passes, we realize God was always there. No matter how hard we pray and ask for something we have to realize that God sometimes gives us what we want, but sometimes the answer might be, “no” or “not right now”. Turn your suffering into a blessing and offer it up to God as a way of making up for the bad things you may think or do.

As a final note you should really, really, really, read Theology of the body. This will help you understand God’s plan for you as a woman and what your role is as far as a wife and sex and love are concerned. If you can understand God’s plan. You won’t want to give yourself to anyone besides your husband.

Thoughts and prayers with you.


#10

Terrible, irresponsible advice. God Bless your son. God often brings good things out of bad things, but that doesn’t justify sin. Some people were conceived in rape … the children born are worthy in the eyes of God. The rape was still a rape, evil.

About the commandments, wow … what about the 10 Commandments?? Which Jesus upheld?? Jesus told the woman caught in adultery, “Go, and sin no more.”

To the original poster: you describe legitimately difficult questions. Keep asking, keep praying, and talk to people you trust. Do not follow irresponsible advice that talks about being “genuine,” “knowing what you are doing,” etc. It is only genuinely Catholic to follow ALL the commandments.


#11

Well, first i want to address this - "Jesus died for our sins and as a human we are naturally going to be sinners, no one is perfect and no one will remain without sin."

as humans we are subject to sin by temptation, by the devil, by the influences around us, by our own curiosity...but it is not natural, everything God as created and everything which comes from God is natural, but sin does not come from God, sin is what happens without God,

have you read any of the stories of the saints? there are saints who were sinless from their baptism till their death,
you should read up on them if you haven't, because that will also help you a great deal with understanding chastity and love of God.

"I'm 20 years old and I am a virgin. I am catholic and I love my faith as well as God, Jesus and the Virgin Mary. "

i'm 22, and i can say the exact same thing, but i am proud of the fact that i am a virgin, and it is a treasure that i strongly feel the desire to hold onto, your virginity is something you cannot get back, once it's gone it's gone for eternity, and i feel so drawn to a life of chastity that i am currently discerning about whether God wants me to become a nun or not,
But if God wanted me to get married, i'd be happy with that to,
because it's all about what God wants, not what we want, God knows what is best for us, He knows our true mission and purpose in this life, and we can fulfill that purpose simply by following His commandments.

" I just find it hard to believe that I will remain a virgin until I am married. I know that it is a sin, but why must it wait until marriage why can't it be about love?"

it is all about love, if you know it is a sin, but you don't know why you have to wait till marriage, then it is simple, you just have to know why it is a sin in the first place,

lets start with love, what is love? it's not a feelings first of all, feelings come from love, but love remains no matter what you feel, so it can't be a feeling,
when love is pure, it is completely selfless, God loves us completely, purely, and without any reservation,
true love gives freely and asks nothing in return,
Love is charity, and charity is love, charity is the highest of all the virtues, because charity is the loving of God above all other creatures, and the love of everyone else for the sake of our love for God.

so, out of love for the one you wish to have relations with, would you risk them going to hell? just because you want to experience marital relations?
that is not love, of course...but that is basically how it is, "I love you, so lets sin together and risk going to hell" it is selfish,
*
"I am just so confused about why God would give us the ability to have this great pleasure but only let us use it for bringing life into this world. I do want children, but I want to experience sex with someone I love before marriage."*

God did not give those pleasures to all of us, He gave it to those who are married, and so when you take the marital pleasures and use them for yourself or use them before marriage, not only are you committing the sin "thou shalt not commit adultery", you are also committing "thou shalt not steal"
remember, as wonderful a feeling as it is, it is still only a feeling, and certainly not worth losing your soul over, or offending God,
it is a passing thing, something you have for a moment and then it is gone, and after that you must face with the reality that you no longer have sanctifying grace, and if you were to die before repenting you would burn in hell...it's simply not worth the risk,

here where you say "but I want to experience sex with someone I love before marriage"
key word here is "I",
if sex was about love, then it would not be for you, if you truly love someone, you do it for them, you want *them *to feel good,
sex can be a great expression of love when it's for the one you love, but when it's done for yourself, it is a very shallow form of love...if it could even be classified as love at all.
and so this comes back to what i said earlier about risking the one you "love" going to hell, if it's just for you, then it is not love at all, and if it is for the one you love, you can hardly call it love when you are letting them commit a mortal sin....

(continued in next post)


#12

(continued from last post)

“I also find myself being angry with God, because I feel like he isn’t listening, like my prayers are never worth answering. Is it because of my sinful thoughts!?! Is God shutting me out because I can’t control my temptations? I love him with all my heart with all of my soul, but I find it so hard to shake these temptations. I feel like my temptations are a result of the heartbreak I have had through out my life, I don’t understand why I was put through so much pain when it comes to love, why everyone I love eventually leaves me so I blame God, and I get angry. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for all of this. Am I going to hell?”

To be angry with God is pride, God knows all things and does everything out of love for us, but we cannot expect to understand why God lets us suffer a particular thing every time, what we can know however, is that every suffering we go threw, whether it’s big or small, is good for us in some way, God would not let us suffer anything if something good did not come out of it,
unfortunately, even if God intends for something good to be brought out of something bad in our life, we can still reject it,
suffering is something we can either accept and make use of, or it is something we can reject, but still suffer and be miserable…

I really understand how you feel, i went through the exact same thing…well i’m still going through it, everyone i love or get close to leaves, it’s always heart breaking, but i never blame God or get angry at Him, because i know there is always some reason behind it, whether it’s for my own well being, or theirs,
and remember that God loses more of His loved ones then you could even imagine, and it must be a million time worse for Him, because not only does He suffer so many of His children on earth turning away from Him, but He loses so many to hell also…and He loves them all with a perfect and pure love that is beyond measure and beyond our understanding…and likewise His pain is beyond our understanding…so instead of blaming God and feeling sorry for yourself, try uniting your pains to His, and comfort Him by it…

human beings will always hurt us and leave us, but God will never leave us and never intends to hurt us, He deserves all our love, He owes us nothing, and we owe Him everything, but He gives so much to us even though we don’t deserve it in the least…and no matter how hard we try or how much time we devote, we will never in all of eternity be able to repay Him for his goodness and love to us…

and if you ask me, i’d say your temptation is not a result of your heartbreak, it’s the devil taking advantage of your heartbreak and tempting you…
*
“I love God, and when I sin I am not thinking about hurting God, and when I sin it doesn’t make me love him any less. I am just confused about a lot of things”*

i don’t doubt your love for God, but you still do not love Him enough, and you do not know Him enough,
even if you don’t intend to hurt God, you should be thinking of how you are hurting Him when you do sin, always bring to mind His passion, when you are tempted to impurity, recall the scourging at the pillar, when you are tempted to pride, recall the crowning of thorns…every sin there is, you can compare to one of Jesus’ sufferings,

you need to really learn your religion, pray every day, meditate and talk to God often, go to mass more then just Sunday, and make use of the confessional for special graces to overcome your sins and grow closer to God…just try to incorporate God and religion more in your life, every day you will learn more and have a better understanding of your sins,
perhaps you should ask God to send you someone who can instruct you in your religion?

ok…well that’s all for now, hope this helps. tc.


#13

God allows you to be tempted by sin so that you may turn it down and turn to him, which gives you power over that sin.

Keep going honey. Did you know that having sex prior to marriage damages a relationship? Love and Sex are not the same, even though it seems that way in our society. If he really loves you he’ll wait. If you really love him, you’ll wait. It’s showing that he’s more important to than your sexual human desire for him.

Sexual compatibility means nothing…that’s a selfish way of thinking about marriage and sex. It’s a way of thinking of sex in our society. Believe me…male and female are compatible sexually.

If two people love each other they will love each other enough to accept one another and compromise equally.


#14

Hold on to your virginity. You will regret it, if you don't. This is my experience with not listening and not knowing GOD:

I am a 29 year old woman, who was baptized Catholic. My mother and father never took us to church. But she prayed alot and used to have the priest bless our house. I never got confirmed or my Holy Communion at the time. My fondest memory of praying as a little girl, was that I prayed Catholic. I've lead a life of pain, through the years. Sinning "mortally"(as Catholics would say) I got an abortion:( This may not be something you would ever do. It takes one sin to fall into another. I've repented. . .

But my mother probably was considered what Catholics called feminist. She never had the sex talk, until it was too late:crying:. She always said don't bring a baby to my house. If you do, you will not have it. she kept her word with that on my sister, who at 13 didn't want to have one, but got one for my mother's peace of mind. I never dared tried it while living with her. She just pretty much said "abortion isn't birth control" so if you are going to do your business, then use something. I was 12 when I lost my innocence:imsorry:I can never take this moment back!! Ever!!. I wish she would of had that talk with me. I am not sure it would of made a difference. But I didn't know it was a sin until it was too late. By then I was damaged goods. As my father would put it. My teens were pretty much promiscuous:o*You think it is love at first...But without the marriage, love is not there. The Sacrament is not fulfilled it is empty. I had partners in my early twenties. At one point, I had about four, then I got pregnant, I was told that it would be difficult to get pregnant because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I was using protection(condoms)You should not use protection with the one that you "love"* i lived with my father at the time, I was sooooooo scared to tell him about my situation, because I knew he would judge me(not for the pregnancy, but for no knowing who the father was, he is an old fashioned hispanic man) To him, a woman's worth equals the amount of partners she did and didn't have.
So I had a abortion. There were protesters there. I was so angry at these people. They didn't know my delema, but they were telling me how to lead my life. Out of the partners I had one stood by me through the ordeal. He was supportive of me and made me realize that I could be loved for more than my sexuality. I didn't regret the abortion right after it happened. But now as I am getting older. I was wondering what could have been and how selfish I was.
I married that man who stood by me wo months ago. He is also an athiest.Also a hard road. Make sure your spouse is Catholic After being married, I asked myself, how am i going to raise the children, when and if I could have them? I knew that was important as well as the responsibiliy of it. He said that I will be in charge of raising the children in the religion of my choice. I thank God for that. However, he did not want children right away. i did. He wanted to buy a bigger house first So I trained myself not to want to have kids either. This was wrong and the good people here at CAF:slapfight::console: let me know I was wrong! By the grace of God. He would not touch me, unless He knew I would not get pregnant. Which was being fulfilled through the pill. He did consider the NFP. We tried it and I have discovered many inconsistencies. Is it because of a botched abortion? Is it because of the pill? God is against these things for a reason. I am trying to conceive and I am not able to. I am not saying that you will make these choices but swimming in the dark pool of fornication is a slippery slope. It can change your life. Sex without Marriage is NEVER love. Devil is tricky that way. The person who loves you should want you and your future children to share their name. By matrimony and sharing the name, you become one, inseperable


#15

The thing is I don’t plan on having sex with a thousand guys…I fully intend on losing my virginity to someone I love to someone I could end up marrying. Before I make that huge leap that ultimate commitment to another person I want to be 100% mentally, emotionally, and physically sure it is right because I don’t believe in divorce and I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a loveless marriage. People fall out of love and in today’s society if physically a connection isn’t made it takes a toll on the marriage and eventually it will eat away at the emotional connection. Like I said I love God and my intentions aren’t to hurt him. Also what if I fall in love with a guy who has already had sex then what? As for the comment about me being selfish…sex would be my gift to the person I love…I would giving him myself fully mind body and soul. “If he loves me he wouldn’t let me sin”…but when the moment is there the last thing crossing our minds is that it is a sin…but that doesn’t mean that I love God any less. As for me preventing him from committing the sin…if what he wants is me and I know his intentions are good and that it is really love then I will give him all of me. I just don’t see why God would see that as me choosing to go to he’ll by making that decision with someone I love…there is nothing evil about it.


#16

Honey, I think you have an **overrated **view of it all. This is due to television and other media. It’s a bunch of lies. It is HARDLY worth forteiting your eternal soul for, I will tell you that.

You aren’t missing all that much, don’t let anyone fool you. On the other hand, a child conceived and born in a sacramental marriage…there are few things, if any, that are more beautiful or edifying.


#17

Hi, please read this article:

insidecatholic.com/Joomla/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=244&Itemid=48

hope it helps…

God bless


#18

No, dear, but premarital sex is not meant for life, which is a major purpose for sex. I’ve heard this several times…even friends of mine have said it. They think that the sexual love will secure their love with a guy forever. Sexual pleasure only lasts for a short time. Even if you think you’ll be with a guy forever, you can’t be sure he will feel like that. I’ve had friends that thought that guy they lost their virginity to would be the guy they married. The guys ended up using my friends and ditching them. You don’t want to risk that. Wait until marriage.

Believe me, and I’m not some motherly person telling you this. I’m 23 myself. I’m a virgin, and I plan to stay that way until I’m married, or go with whatever vocation God has for me.

God bless you.


#19

I wanted to elaborate a bit on my thoughts a bit and not just give an article :slight_smile:

I’m 23 and I’m a virgin. I plan on staying a virgin till I get married. Your virginity is a gift from God… try to understand this in a positive, not a negative way. The world has cheapened sex. We’re told it’s just a physical act for pleasure. But actually, it’s an act of love meant to create a new life… just as out of God’s love, He creates a soul, so do two people cooperate with Him in creating a new human being through their love for one another. It’s about self giving, not self gratification. All the sexual sins go against one of those things: life and self giving.

Marriage is not just a social custom. If it takes place in the Church, it’s a Sacrament. Through it, God blesses the couple… wouldn’t you rather start a family with God’s blessing, than without? sex unites two people spiritually, not just physically. To make this union pleasing to God, it must have a foundation of love but also of lifelong commitment (marriage), being open to life, and His blessing (the Sacrament.) the Sacraments are very important… we can’t receive Communion with Confession, and we can’t have sex before marriage. One leads to the other.

also, I think it’s just more beautiful to have sex for the first time on your wedding night. It makes it more special… not only knowing that your husband will be the first one, but also that it will happen once your marriage has been blessed by the Church and by God.

It remains that having sex before marriage is a sin. Try to look at waiting in a positive way. It DOES make it more special. I’ve talked to people who had sex before marriage… and all of them regret it. (though they didn’t see anything wrong with it before.)

God bless


#20

I’m also 23 and a virgin! wow :slight_smile: :cool:


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