Hello, I’m 20 years old and I spent most of my life away from the Church
But God gave me a miraculous conversion
Now, I want to give everything to him in the religious life, and I’m absolutely certain that it’s what I want for my life, I don’t see any sense anymore in living a secular life
I don’t want to escape anything, before the realization that I coul be called to religious life, in the end of last year, I was certain that I wanted a family and was doing everything necessary to live the secular life. But now that has changed, and all I can think about is to give myself entirely.
But I’m suffering a lot because of the sins of my past, because I am questioning if God would accept my life with my terrible sins of the past. I’m not talking about Holy Orders, I want to give myself as a lay religious brother.
I want to know if it’s possible that God can reject me because of my past, and what makes me think more that I could be rejected is that in the past I had a homosexual relationship, but it don’t consider myself homosexual, I had girlfriends and the reason that I had this homosexual relationship was because I believed in Gender Ideology, and believed in transgenderism, so I believed that I was dating a woman, but he was a transgender. during the time this relationship was a cause of great pain to me, and I missed true women, even going to the extreme of suggesting to my partner to open the relationship to me, so I could be with women (and he, that at the time I though was she, accepted). I know all of this is disgusting and I wish all my past sins had never happened. I hate them with all of my heart. And I’m very afraid of being rejected in religious life because of them (there is many others, but what’s making me more scrupulous are those, because I don’t see them in the lives of any saints)
I don’t see any meaning in don’t giving my life to God, but at the same time I’m afraid of giving only because I’m afraid of Him don’t accepting me, and I’m afraid of ending up offending Him with my life.
Please help me, I can’t find help on this issue anywhere and I can’t talk to an spiritual director right now.