In-Law Inquiring about Surrogacy


#1

Hi! I don’t have time to go to a priest or seek spiritual direction right now so maybe I can get some answers here. I have a friend who had twins via a surrogate some years ago. So my sis-in-law is asking for her email address to ask my friend a couple of questions regarding surrogacy since this sis-in-law was told being pregnant could be life-threatening due to a health condition. Would it be unethical for me to give my sis-in-law my friend’s email address so she can inquire about it, with me knowing that surrogacy is against Catholic teachings even if it’s not for certain they’ll go through with it due to cost? I know it’s just a simple email address but I don’t want to be contributing to any sins if that’s what I could be doing. I feel like if I tell my sis-in-law no and I don’t want any part in it (I think we mentioned to her our stance on it in the past but she may have forgotten), I’d be putting a riff in our relationship. So what is the best thing to do or handle this? Thanks so much in advance and God bless!


#2

I would not be comfortable facilitating that conversation. Surrogacy is a grave evil. Don’t involve yourself or in any way give the appearance of approving such an idea.

Be kind, but be firm.


#3

First of all, before you do anything, I would ask your friend if she would feel comfortable answering some questions from your sister in-law. If the answer is no, the buck stops right there and you can tell your sister in law that your friend doesn’t feel comfortable answering question.

If the answer is yes, you can give her the email address and let the two people converse.

Surrogacy is something that can be seen as a gift depending on how it is used. For example if all the couple requires is another woman’s womb to carry their child, then I personally have no problem with it because the genetic material belongs to the couple but they are needing a human incubator to carry their child.

If the couple’s genetic material is not being used then it opens other ethical issues.

Regardless of where the church stands, if your sister in law wants the information, don’t stand in the way. Otherwise it could cause from friction later on. Furthermore, it is better for her to receive the information from a reliable source and then she and your brother can determine if it is the best decision for them.

Just because she investigates it, it doesn’t mean she will do it or even if it will work.


#4

Thanks so much for your reply and while I agree with this one, I still don’t know how to get out of not giving her the information without getting involved. If I ignore her, it won’t look good. So many things I’ve thought about just to get out of it, like saying I lost touch with my friend, I don’t talk to her anymore, etc would all be lies on my part.

Also, I did tell my sis-in-law in an email last year when she mentioned that surrogacy would be a wonderful option that my husband (her brother) and I do not condone surrogacy or IVF nor can we advise on it just so she can refrain from seeking info from us. It seemed she understood in her reply so I was surprised she asked me again for my friend’s email address by way of text and a private Instagram post when I thought we were past it.

When I first told her I had a friend who had a surrogacy, this was before I knew about it being against the Church. Now I only wish I hadn’t said anything after I did my research. That’s why I told her in that email last year our little disclaimer to clarify ourselves about our stance on it.


#5

Thank you for your reply:) I want to believe that it’s not unethical to use another woman’s womb to carry a child but then there’s the question of IVF, which to my understanding is not in line with what the Church teaches. Souls will be created by man where they didn’t need to be, especially if one or more does not “take” and that I can see where that could be a problem from a pro-life standpoint.

I think my friend (when I did ask her in the past before I knew that surrogacy was against Church teaching) was okay with talking with my sis-in-law (my husband’s sister) about any questions she had. I do agree that her investigating it doesn’t mean she’ll go through with it.

I just wish I could just be bold and tell her firmly and kindly that we don’t support surrogacy without sounding like a prude or raining on her parade or sounding negative. She knows her brother and I are very much into our Catholic faith and don’t do anything that the Church wouldn’t support. Life would be much easier if she would seek her info elsewhere and leave us out of it. The tough part I’m having is that it’s atypical of me to ignore a text or when a question is asked of me. :shrug: Yes, giving the email address would be the easy thing to do, but then it only shows I’m supporting it I think? :confused:


#6

If your friend was a bank robber, and your SIL wanted to find out how to rob banks and wanted you to facilitate a meeting (Email) would you do it?


#7

Absolutely not and great analogy. Thanks! My husband (her brother) just said to ignore it and not respond. Let’s just hope and pray she doesn’t take it personally or will be offended by my silence.


#8

Sometimes the best thing to do in cases where someone decides something that is against your beliefs is to shut up and be the supportive friend and family member.

If you open up your mouth it could create tension and eventually alienate yourself from your brother and your sister in law and maybe rest of the family. Surrogacy when done right can be seen as a beautiful thing therefore it’s best to be quiet and see what happens.

Who knows in a year or two it could mean that you become an aunt to a wonderful niece or nephew. We don’t know the future but sometimes I believe God gives us technology to bless others. If your brother and sister in law decides to go forth, just pray for them and hope that their dreams of becoming parents come true.

In the end, the success is all in God’s hands and we cannot judge a person’s decision, we can just love them and support them and see what happens next.


#9

I appreciate your reply! So does “shutting up” :smiley: also mean not replying with the email address and letting them find their way to their own decision? And for the record, the sis-in-law is my husband’s sister and her husband, not my bro and his wife (sorry I didn’t make that clear) so that might mean a different dynamic.

My SIL and her husband actually already have one child she didn’t think was possible to conceive because of her health (an autoimmune disease) so her seeking surrogacy is more to provide another sibling to their only child so the child doesn’t grow up alone in case something happens to her since she doesn’t think she can carry a child all her own without compromising her own health. When she had the first child, she said she wasn’t supposed to be pregnant at all but God had other plans and provided by blessing them with new life.

My husband and I think if it’s God’s will, then He will provide a second child for this couple the way he provided the first but we think they need to rely on God more and trust Him (she was baptized Catholic and husband is Protestant and practice more his religion if that).

Of course, I don’t intend to open my mouth about the matter at all. I see it as my fault for telling her about my friend in the first place before I had a chance to research it. Then when I found out about it was against my beliefs almost a few days after I mentioned it, husband and I decided we no longer could contribute to it. It would be like being an accessory, if that makes sense. So fast forward a year and she’s still inquiring about it even when we thought we closed the door on it and she understood. If she decides to go through with it, I would just keep quiet but at least I didn’t have anything to do with feeding her information about it. I feel that the one conversation she could have with my friend could be the very thing that fuels her desire to pursue it so I don’t want to be a part of it. Her going on about it on her own without my participation would bring me more peace than if I had something to do with it although I’m still confused and torn about the whole thing.


#10

Sometimes the best thing to do in cases where someone decides something that is against your beliefs is to shut up and be the supportive friend and family member.

In this case, I agree with you all the way until after “Shut up” There could be a period after that and a full stop.

If you open up your mouth it could create tension and eventually alienate yourself from your brother and your sister in law and maybe rest of the family. Surrogacy when done right can be seen as a beautiful thing therefore it’s best to be quiet and see what happens.

Though evil can indeed SEEM beautiful it can never be “done right”

Who knows in a year or two it could mean that you become an aunt to a wonderful niece or nephew. We don’t know the future but sometimes I believe God gives us technology to bless others. If your brother and sister in law decides to go forth, just pray for them and hope that their dreams of becoming parents come true.

:eek: Not sure what you are saying here. But God gives us the Church to guide us. When we choose “technology” over the Church we are worshiping a false god.

In the end, the success is all in God’s hands and we cannot judge a person’s decision, we can just love them and support them and see what happens next

This makes zero sense to me. In fact, while we cannot judge a person’s soul we almost ALWAYS are to judge actions and decisions. We do so all the time. I do it as a parent, voter, juror, and well, human being. What does love and support mean to you? Does support mean keep quiet about a moral evil? Does it mean support that evil? Or does it go deeper than that with care about a person’s very soul and the unborn life being toyed with for the selfish desire to create a child based on pure genetics.:eek:


#11

God provides different answers for each of us and if I were you I would support your family in this decision. I have to go with Papa Francis on this one and judging might just be the wrong step to take on this issue. I pray that your brother and his wife have a healthy baby if it is God’s will.:rolleyes:


#12

When did the Pope teach that?!

And why would you not go with the Pope (Francis)who would call this wrong?


#13

The way you go about is look I really appreciate you and if it was regarding anything else I would lobe to help you but I don’t agree with surrogacy and I think it is highly unethical and I don’t want to be involved in anything that has to do with surrogacy. I am really sorry but is something I heavily disagree on and I hope you understand that I cannot go against my principles. That is it. Nice and respectfully but firm. If she does appreciate you she needs to understand that she cannot force you to do something you don’t agree with.

As Hoosier daddy’s said, what if it was the phone number of a robber? What if she would be asking you for your car to drive your sister (example) for an abortion? If you don’t agree with the act you have to say that you don’t agree with it and you have a right to say no to facilitate the act.

I also want to clarify this. Surrogacy In and of itself that is the rental of another woman’s womb it is also condemned by the church and it is a grave matter. It is not only the IVF part that makes it unethical, the womb rental too is unethical and forbidden by the church.
There is no right way to do surrogacy. It is always going to be a grave matter and a violation of natural law.


closed #14

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