In Love And I Don't Want To Be


Hello! My name is Scott. I am new to the forum, and I am also new to the Catholic faith! I made the decision to convert and come back to God back in April this year (was raised Protestant, ran away from God at 18, 34 now and coming back to God as a Catholic). I’ll be undergoing RCIA this September. I keep very active in my parish even though I am not a confirmed Catholic yet. I regularly attend Sunday Mass, am devoted to the Rosary (say it everyday and love this devotion), and right now I am doing the 33 Days to Morning Glory, Mary consecration (will make my consecration to Mary August 15th, the day of her assumption). I have had such an amazing faith journey already! And I have truly felt the hand of God in my heart and soul.

Now about my problem. I am falling in love with a woman and I don’t want to be in love with her, but my heart just can’t help it. She’s my pastoral associate at my parish! She was a cloistered nun for 12 years, left the Order and now works in my parish as our Pastoral Associate. She’s helped me so much on my faith journey. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for her help. We meet regularly to talk about my faith journey, and I will be doing a Bible Study group for 9 weeks starting August 7th that is being taught by her. The more time I spend with her though, the more I see just what a beautiful soul she is! She’s never been married (don’t know if the vows she took when she was a nun are still in effect), she’s 20 years my senior, though she hardly at all looks her age! She doesn’t look a day older than 40. She dresses very modestly, wears no makeup, and keeps her hair cropped short. All she’s missing is her religious habit and veil XD. Anyway, I don’t care about her simple if not plain appearance, she’s given up her vanity for God, and I think that is beautiful. This woman has probably the most beautiful soul of any woman I have encountered. Her heart is on fire for Christ, and I love that about her so much! She’s also the nicest, most loving and gentle soul I have met too. I don’t care about her physical appearance, I love everything that is inside her heart and soul, not her body. I have developed very tender feelings and affections towards her now. I feel bad, like I should not have these feelings towards her. I know as a nun she espoused herself to Christ, I don’t know if she is still espoused to him now that she is no longer a nun. Regardless, I didn’t expect my heart to begin to fall for her. Throughout my life, and before my conversion I have only been with women who were not good for me. Frankly I had lost hope and didn’t think there were any nice women out there, but being with my pastoral associate has proven me otherwise that there are lovely and beautiful women out there with such gorgeous hearts! But what should I do here? When I’m around her I am always smiling and she has such a positive effect on me! All in all, I know she has chosen do devote her life to the service of God. But, I still see her for the beautiful soul that she is!

What should I do?! Should I even say anything to her? She is very sweet, and in her own words “a very open-minded woman”.


How old are you? It sounds like a crush. This is someone who you’ve been able to talk with about your deepest self, so little surprise here. I had a ton of crushes in my teens and early 20s, on my professors and the like.
I think you might drive her away if you mention it. It is a risk you will have to take if you decide to mention it. I would advise you that she’s simply too old for you. 20 years difference is huge, although honestly I know a woman and man who married–he was 20 years older that her. (It did not last, however).


If you don’t want to feel this way, I think you should put some distance between you. Pull back on the relationship.


Is the main reason that you don’t want to fall in love because she might still have her vows in effect?
Fortunately you are going to be consecrated to the Blessed Virgin Mary, o maybe try to think of her instead for the time being. She is a powerful patroness particularly in the virtue of chastity and purity.


20 years seems like a big age gap, how old are you?


It is the “starry eyed wonderful FAITH filled person bug”. It’s because of what she’s opened up for you in the Faith and seeing her be the reason for all you’ve come to know and want in your conversion. STOP STOP STOP seeing her like this. She is your sister in Christ and should be treated as such. If you put into words to her your feelings she may just have to ask you to join another group or distance yourself from her. DON’T let this get mixed up in your Faith journey. Go to the groups/classes and just concentrate on becoming Catholic. Do one thing at a time. GIVE JESUS and the Catholic Church your FULL attention.


I really appreciate all the replies and so quickly too!

For openers, I agree with everyone that 20 years is a huge gap! I am quite mindful of this, and I know she is my fellow sister in Christ! I suppose after being around women who have been bad for me, it really took me by surprise to be around a good, wholesome, and Godly woman.

I do enjoy spending time with her and talking about God, her job is to help me grow in my faith, to give me the water I need to flourish, and she is doing that. I recognize what a beautiful soul that she is, though I am in agreement that I should not foster feelings that any kind of romance might be possible.

Can I still have loving feelings for her that are not romantic? I think God is showing me a very good thing here, that there are in fact wonderful and beautiful women out there still and I should not give up hope I will meet my future wife someday. Because not long ago I truly had given up all hope, but she’s really restored it.

God has surrounded me with so many wonderful people in my parish to help me grow closer to him, and I am truly thankful and feel blessed by him for that. What matters most is God’s love, and we are all joined to him through our belief and faith, and that all makes us brothers and sisters in Christ.

I do keep the Blessed Mother very close to my heart, I pray to her each and every day. I have offered my heart to her and requested she offer her mine so that I might be molded into the Christian man God wants me to be. I know the Blessed Mother will keep me intact and good!


Of course very deep friendships are made of love as well. I have beautiful friends, male and female, that I love as much as family. Just don’t do anything that would maybe cause this wonderful teacher/student existence to go south.


Friendships are an important kind of relationship. I also have close friends who are like family too.


If I were you I would seek to join some young Catholic group and strive to meet a lovely young Catholic woman of your own age. They are out there!


Paul says - treat older women as mothers -
Younger women as sisters etc

Truthfully - she’s not going to let you - get involved with her, like that.

I can understand though your infatuation with her -
She sounds cool :innocent:
And has been a great and friendly help for you - in the faith.

I remember a story where cashiers were told to smile at the customers -
After a week - they refused !
All the males would be hitting on them for dates. Like clockwork.

It must be tough for Pastrol Associates too - lol


Thank you everyone for all your replies!

I met with my pastoral associate again today. We talked for a little more than an hour. We had a very illuminating conversation and talked a lot about all the signs God has put into my life!

Meeting with her today really helped order my feelings. No, this is not a woman for me lol. She chose Jesus as her husband a long time ago, and I see that as a most beautiful thing. She has such a lovely way of seeing the world. And she is very much a woman who is most concerned about gathering treasures in heaven rather than on earth. She certainly has a good head on her shoulders with straight priorities. I find her soul very beautiful and quite inspiring. She is my fellow sister in Christ, and God brought her in to my life to help teach me and form me. Me and her get along terrifically and feel very comfortable conversing with one another, and she has really helped me grow in faith. She really is a woman of wisdom, like a second mother to me. That’s what I called her, and she said she feels honored to be a second mom to me. And of course I have Mary as my Heavenly mother, and She has also been such a big help in my life. I would not have the relationship with Christ today if it weren’t for Angela, and Our Blessed Mother. A woman’s presence in a man’s life can enrich his soul in so many ways.

I did like the comparison someone used about a college student who had a crush on their professor. That really helped bring it all in perspective for me lol. But today I really sorted through my feelings with God’s help. Thank you everyone for all your replies and support! I have placed my trust in Jesus and know he will lay the path out clearly for me. He never fails!


That is wonderful.

Seeing her as a second Mom is GREAT!
Glad you worked it all out.


Oh she truly is a great blessing to have at our parish! She labors tirelessly for Our Blessed Lord. I wouldn’t be the Catholic I am today if it wasn’t for her tender hand nudging me gently toward God. Not unlike what Our Blessed Mother does for us.


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