I have been married for almost 5 years now, i have two beautiful little girls. But now i realized i am in love with another woman, my co-worker. I really need some advise. Thank you in advanced.
Run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. What you are probably feeling isn’t really love, but lust. True love wants what’s best for the beloved. Adultery that kills Sanctifying Grace in the soul is not best for the beloved. Break it off now. And, if you’re into porn, this is probably the root of your problem. It opens the door for Satan to attack your soul. Pray, fast, go to Sacramental Confession ASAP, and Mass afterward. Do not mess around with this. It will destroy your life, your wife’s life, the life of your children, and your soul. Life is all about choices…and consequences. Eternal ones.
Agreed. Quit your job as soon as you can or get a transfer. There isn’t a good way out of this that involves you staying where you are. I’ll be praying for you!
This. Get out as soon as you can. It is better to quit your job than to be even tempted to destroy your family, and your eternal soul. Praying for you.
I would encourage you to seek spiritual help immediately. What you think is “love” for your co-worker is more than likely admiration or infatuation gone awry.
Are you under stress in your marriage? Thinking the “grass might be greener on the other side”?
Please get spiritual help or marriage counseling asap.
Please go speak with your priest. If you’ve found yourself in love with someone else, you’re engaging in an emotional affair and REALLY, really need someone to help you through this.
Another suggestion would be to go through some counseling as well, whether it’s marital counseling for your wife and you or just individual counseling on your own.
Once again, PLEASE speak with your priest. He’ll be able to help you a LOT more than us on a forum can.
I’ll be praying for you and your family.
I am sooo in agreement with this post, St. Michael the Archangel defend us in battle against the wickedness and snares of the devil…
Praying for you
As one who is divorced after a 16 year marriage and raises two children on my own, 24x7x365, I can tell you that the last thing you want is a divorce. I lost a daughter to leukemia, and having a wife walk out for another man was worse than that.
Trust me on this, the LAST thing you, your wife, or your kids would ever want is a divorce.
Run like the devil is after you, because he is, and he wants to destroy your life and the lives of your wife and children.
If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter into life maimed or crippled than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into fiery Gehenna. (Matthew 18:8-9)*
Seek spiritual help immediately.
I would also speak to my spouse about it. No, that is not going to be easy, but you cannot hide it, and she probably knows already. Tell your wife that you have feelings for another but that you choose her instead of the other woman, and ask her to help you through it, whatever it takes, to avoid the other woman, even if it means being unemployed.
If this is something that happens to you habitually then you need help - spiritual and psychological.
This is not a matter of pride. All pride has to be put aside here because whether you like it or not, your pride will be put aside - in court during a divorce, when your wife walks out because you are having sex with another woman, when you tell your friends that you and your wife are seperated - your pride will go out the window, so put it aside now and forget about it. This has nothing to do with pride. This needs to be dealt with swiftly and decisively for the sake of yourself, your wife and your two girls.
And pray, pray, pray that Mary interceded for you and that she places your children under her mantle and vale. I will do so as well.
Telling it like it is! God help you George , I pray.
I’ve been married six years with two daughters. My advice, never talk to the co-worker again. If you can, ask for reassignment off teams she’s on, or for a shift that’s opposite hers. Limit your interactions with her if those are necessary. I don’t care how good of a friend she is, she’s not worth destroying your family.
Instead, focus on your wife. Take her out to dinner tomorrow night, or as soon as you can get a sitter. Do something you both love - mini golf, dancing, movie, long walk. Get some couple’s flash cards - these have questions for both of you to talk about like “One thing I really appreciate about you is…” or “It really helps me when you …” and open up a carton of ice cream and just talk. Spend time with her. Fall back in love with your wife.
Please don’t think me unsympathetic. I have some very attractive co-workers and I set appropriate limits. It is very nice when one of them gives me a smile or a compliment, I thank God for this person’s pretty smile or kind words and the warmth they impart, and I move on. If you don’t initiate anything with your co-worker, nothing will probably happen. If your co-worker does make a move, rebuke it and tell her you don’t want to speak to her again. This is necessary even if it is hard to do. What you want in this case may not be what you need, in fact a dire opposite thereof.
Your married with two young children. What is more important to you? Your fantasy, or your fantasy at the expense of ruining your children’s lives?
Marriage does change over time. The fun and freedom that you have at the beginning of your marriage does and will change over time, especially when you have children. Your wife may be stressed out from taking care of the kids, may be too tired to have sex, etc. The key is to learn to adapt to this new way of living, and not bring a third party into the situation and destroy.
Fantasies don’t often work out. A fling might seem to be fun, but it is not so fun when the other woman is done with you and you’ve destroyed you the marriage and your children’s lives in the process.
If there is any one thing I recommend a person NEVER do is cheat on their spouse. Reconciliation can take place after such an event, but the damage to the trust is never undone.
Agree with everyone above. I too have small kids and a routine life with a aging wife. It’s not uncommon for divorces to happen under those circumstances. Kids add a lot of stress and require a lot of sacrifice. Then everything your wife does wrong is amplified to where you strongly feel she is making your life harder and the grass is greener in another life. Adding to all that are temptations from others such as co-workers, whether they intend to tempt you or not.
The key is remembering what is real: Your marriage and your family. Rarely do I meet someone who went for greener pastures and didn’t regret it. When it comes down to it, all those little things your wife does wrong are unintentional and she really does care about you and your family. The fact that you are reaching out to us for help is a sign that you know you would regret it too.
Like most marriages, yours has probably become routine and boring. That’s the real lesson you are learning right now. There are ways to make it exciting again, despite the challenges. All it takes is both spouses to have the desire to do so. That’s where marriage counselors, retreats, date nights, etc. are useful. I’ve observed that whenever my wife and I want time out for ourselves, there are plenty of divorced friends jumping up to take care of my kids. They’ve learned the hard way how important that time is for us.
As for the co-worker, I don’t know her role exactly nor your job
situation (can you leave? How closely do you have to work together?) but at minimim I suggest no lunches, hanging out, or anything outside of what’s strictly needed for professional purposes. If you need to say something then do so, expecting her to respect your wishes. If she can’t do that, then how could the grass possibly be greener with her?
Friend you are in my prayers
If you haven’t read Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton, perhaps now might be a good time. :rolleyes:
Seriously, don’t consider this other woman any longer. Stay faithful to your wife and family and forget the other woman. Pray and ask God to help you. Ask your priest to help you. Don’t destroy your family life and your own life, both here and beyond.
Praying for you and your family.
George, the best advice anyone can possibly give you is to get as far away from the situation as you can, and immediately seek the advice and guidance of your priest NOW.
You may think you are in love with another woman, but I’m willing to bet you’re not, and any advances you make towards this woman may cause the destruction of your family. I’ve been married 12 years, and sure there are moments when things just outright seem like a proverbial train wreck, but what you are “in love” with is the idea of this woman, not the actual person. she has all the same problems you have now with your wife, you just dont see them because it’s something new, and it’s exciting to the senses…But it’s not real. Real is the woman who you swore an oath to, who you fretted over when she was sick in the mornings while carrying your children.
You don’t need a girlfriend George, you need a spiritual director.
Wow, thank you so much.
But their is more to my story. My wife recently confesed to me something, that if i knew before we got married - i would have not married her. I preffer not to disclose that. So after that i just feel i dont know her anymore. And i have such great respect and admiration for my co-worker, ive grown to love her.
Also my wife is from another country, she does not drive, nor speak the language - depends on me for everything. My co-worker on the other hand, is independent, strong, beautiful, smart. She’s everything i wish my wife would be. Gosh, i dont know what to do. When im intimate with my wife all i do is think of my co worker. I have given my co worker gifts (expensive) and given my wife a fraction compared to what i gave my co worker. (christmas, v-day, bday)
Im actually not sure i love my wife anymore…
Seek the counsel of a good spiritual director. You made vows. Perhaps the disclosure would change things as far as validity. Perhaps not. Talk to your priest.
As far as the rest of your post, none of that matters. Do not pursue the other woman, stop giving her gifts and interacting with her. You knew when you married your wife that she was from another country, that she did not drive, that she did not speak the language, etc. Those are not reasons to abandon your family to commit adultery.
As far as not being sure if you love your wife anymore, choose to love. She is your wife and mother of your children. Choose to love her even if right now you might not be feeling loving. Love is a conscious choice.
Think of those 2 beautiful children and don’t do that to them. Leaving their mother = leaving them. It will traumatize them no matter how much you can substantiate leaving in your mind.
The best gift you can give to your children is loving their mother.
Yep, there’s always more to the story George.
Best to come to your senses before more damage is done to you, your wife, and children.
Time to sramble out of the fire you find yourself in with your paragon of perfection.
So many couples operate under the assumption that love is a feeling. It’s shiny and new when the relationship starts, but then that “feeling” wanes. But love isn’t a feeling - it’s a choice, and it’s one that we make every day.
To put it bluntly - did you promise to love, honor and obey 'til death do you part…or just until something “better” came along?