In need of advice: The woman I love is marrying someone else


#1

Years ago, I meet a beautiful, kind, and devout Catholic woman via the young adults group at a parish I attended. One day, I got up the courage to ask her out, but, while she thought it was sweet of me to ask, she said that she had just broken up with her boyfriend, wasn’t ready to start dating again, and wanted to spend that time strengthening her relationship with God. I told her I understood completely and, when she eventually got back together with her boyfriend, I figured we were meant to be just friends.

Then, about a year ago, she invited me to attend a play on the life of St. John Vianney. While there, we started catching up and I found out that she and her boyfriend had split up again. However, I didn’t ask her out not knowing how soon her break-up had been. We then saw each other off and on, sometimes attending the same masses and retreats, and also exchanging messages over Facebook. We got to know each other better as friends, I couldn’t help but fall in love with her, perhaps more than I have any other woman. Only I didn’t tell her how I really felt because I was afraid it would ruin our friendship. To be honest, I felt she only saw me as anything more than a friend because, even though she was always happy to see me and said she thought it would be great if we hung out more, she always seemed busy with work.

Then, just yesterday, she announced on FB that not only that she and her ex-boyfriend had gotten back together again, but that they were engaged to be married. Not only was I crushed, but this took me by complete surprise, because she had given no indication whatsoever that she was seeing him again and I believe he had only returned to the area just this last Christmas.

I know that she has every right to choose whom to marry, and, if this is what she truly wants, then out of love for her, I will pray that she and her husband to be will have a successful and loving marriage, because it is her happiness which is important. But at the same time, I can’t help but think she’s making a big mistake. Not because she doesn’t love him or that he isn’t a good man, but that she may be marrying him because she’s tired of being single and feels that she has to get married. But then, that may be my heartache talking. I don’t know what I should do.


#2

Ya know---I just want to put my arms around you and tell you it is going to be ok and it will be, eventually. My son is also going through a heartache and someone here suggested a video of "Madea On Relationships" and while this is a bit humorous there really is a lot of truth in the message. He watched it and I think it really helped him to understand. There is a lot of truth in that little video.

I really like the fact that you added above that you will pray for both she and her fiancee, that they have a good marriage. Someone is going to be very lucky to get a great guy like you. Right now there is a lonely girl wondering when you will finally show up. :thumbsup:


#3

[quote="MJMCatholic, post:1, topic:233357"]
Years ago, I meet a beautiful, kind, and devout Catholic woman via the young adults group at a parish I attended. One day, I got up the courage to ask her out, but, while she thought it was sweet of me to ask, she said that she had just broken up with her boyfriend, wasn't ready to start dating again, and wanted to spend that time strengthening her relationship with God. I told her I understood completely and, when she eventually got back together with her boyfriend, I figured we were meant to be just friends.

Then, about a year ago, she invited me to attend a play on the life of St. John Vianney. While there, we started catching up and I found out that she and her boyfriend had split up again. However, I didn't ask her out not knowing how soon her break-up had been. We then saw each other off and on, sometimes attending the same masses and retreats, and also exchanging messages over Facebook. We got to know each other better as friends, I couldn’t help but fall in love with her, perhaps more than I have any other woman. Only I didn’t tell her how I really felt because I was afraid it would ruin our friendship. To be honest, I felt she only saw me as anything more than a friend because, even though she was always happy to see me and said she thought it would be great if we hung out more, she always seemed busy with work.

Then, just yesterday, she announced on FB that not only that she and her ex-boyfriend had gotten back together again, but that they were engaged to be married. Not only was I crushed, but this took me by complete surprise, because she had given no indication whatsoever that she was seeing him again and I believe he had only returned to the area just this last Christmas.

I know that she has every right to choose whom to marry, and, if this is what she truly wants, then out of love for her, I will pray that she and her husband to be will have a successful and loving marriage, because it is her happiness which is important. But at the same time, I can’t help but think she’s making a big mistake. Not because she doesn’t love him or that he isn’t a good man, but that she may be marrying him because she’s tired of being single and feels that she has to get married. But then, that may be my heartache talking. I don't know what I should do.

[/quote]

There is an old saying, "faint heart never won a fair lady". Sounds like you never really put your feelings on the table when you had the opportunity, but you do have a "friendship" with her.

She obviously has strong feelings for the other person, or would not be making such a commitment. So you have a couple of options.

[LIST=1]
*]Explain your feelings respectfully, and see where that leads you
*]Leave it alone and pray for her happiness in life with her partner
[/LIST]


#4

Many many years ago, when I was eighteen, I met a wonderful young lady and fell in love. When I asked her to marry me, she told me she would not marry in the Catholic Church since she taught Sunday school in another church community. I was devastated, but my faith was important, so we parted. Guess God had other things in store for me because ten years later I emigrated to Canada to a little community in Northern Ontario; While returning by train from a scout camp, I was introduced by one of my Rovers, to a young redhead who was from that same town. One year later we married, and I can assure you God made no mistake, she truly was the most wonderful wife a man could hope for. she converted, and was the ideal Catholic, refusing to use birth control even though all our children where born by C section, and one year apart.
In all of my eighty two years, God had never let me down when I handed over to him, which I do more and more lately. He has something planned for you if you are faithful to him and ask for his guidance.


#5

[quote="Onedayatatime, post:3, topic:233357"]
There is an old saying, "faint heart never won a fair lady". Sounds like you never really put your feelings on the table when you had the opportunity, but you do have a "friendship" with her.

She obviously has strong feelings for the other person, or would not be making such a commitment. So you have a couple of options.

[LIST=1]
*]Explain your feelings respectfully, and see where that leads you
*]Leave it alone and pray for her happiness in life with her partner
[/LIST]

[/quote]

I agree with this. Lay it out on the line, or cut ties as it sounds too painful to keep this in your life. Tell her how you feel, and be prepared for things to go great, or to say good-bye.


#6

[quote="MJMCatholic, post:1, topic:233357"]
I couldn’t help but fall in love with her.

[/quote]

We all have a choice of who we love. That choice can be made easier by them being good looking, funny, or talented or harder if they are ugly, uncoordinated, or smell bad, but we still have a choice.

My fallible opinion is that you should sit down with her and have a honest talk about how you feel. If she will have you over him, then good for ya. If she decides to stay with him, then get out of her life. For your own sanity and so that you will not become a temptation to her.


#7

[quote="Anthony_t, post:4, topic:233357"]
Many many years ago, when I was eighteen, I met a wonderful young lady and fell in love. When I asked her to marry me, she told me she would not marry in the Catholic Church since she taught Sunday school in another church community. I was devastated, but my faith was important, so we parted. Guess God had other things in store for me because ten years later I emigrated to Canada to a little community in Northern Ontario; While returning by train from a scout camp, I was introduced by one of my Rovers, to a young redhead who was from that same town. One year later we married, and I can assure you God made no mistake, she truly was the most wonderful wife a man could hope for. she converted, and was the ideal Catholic, refusing to use birth control even though all our children where born by C section, and one year apart.
In all of my eighty two years, God had never let me down when I handed over to him, which I do more and more lately. He has something planned for you if you are faithful to him and ask for his guidance.

[/quote]

How wonderful! God never makes mistakes....if we trust in Him, He will show us the way. This reminds me of the song by Garth Brooks, "Unanswered Prayers".

To the OP, if God had wanted you and this young lady together, and truely deep down if you had wanted this young lady, sometime over the years, you would have let your feelings be known. Maybe deep....way way deep down inside you knew she was a great friend, but not really the girl for you.

Meanwhile, pray for her happiness and move on. God has a very special someone out there just for you.


#8

The OP never had a romantic relationship with the object of his affection. She turned down an opportunity to date the OP, and gave no evidence of being attracted to him.

Now she is engaged to marry another man.

My advice is for the OP to move on , and seek other opportunities for romance.

For the OP to persist with the first woman would be creepy and foolish.


#9

Gentle heart,

You and this girl were acquaintances and not really even close friends if you only found out that she was back with her boyfriend through facebook. There were opportunities for her to get together with you over the time you knew her, but she did not avail herself of them either. And perhaps that is because it was not meant to be. Sometimes we meet people in our lives and we are a part of their life though their life has nothing to do with us. You may have provided friendship for her at a time when she needed it, but not in a reciprocal way. And that’s okay. Do not confuse this “being a part” with thinking she is making some kind of mistake. You do not know what is truly in her heart.

Be happy for her. Pray for her, but move on and do not pine over her as someone that you lost, because you never really had her. Please see the video mentioned above. It is very good. You sound like a nice person and your time, and your love will come one day.

May God bless you and guide you.


#10

[quote="Magickman, post:8, topic:233357"]
The OP never had a romantic relationship with the object of his affection. She turned down an opportunity to date the OP, and gave no evidence of being attracted to him.

Now she is engaged to marry another man.

My advice is for the OP to move on , and seek other opportunities for romance.

For the OP to persist with the first woman would be creepy and foolish.

[/quote]

This is very solid advice, OP. If this woman had feelings for you, I highly doubt she would have gone back to the boyfriend...especially since you'd asked her out in the past. Please be happy for her and move on with your own life.


#11

I'm going to have to agree with the people here who have suggested that you move on, and let this young lady move on as well. It sounds like you were friends, and you developed something of a crush on her. It doesn't sound to me like she reciprocated those feelings you felt towards her.

She's engaged now and I feel it would be incredibly improper/rude for you to come to her now and tell her that you've got feelings for her. You've had plenty of time to tell her *before *she announced her engagement. She's chosen to make a commitment to this man. Pray for her and her future husband. That's really all that you can do right now.

That being said, I understand how difficult this must be for you. Keep praying. God has a wonderful woman planned for you. Things will work out in God's time.


#12

[quote="Irishmom2, post:9, topic:233357"]
Gentle heart,

You and this girl were acquaintances and not really even close friends if you only found out that she was back with her boyfriend through facebook. There were opportunities for her to get together with you over the time you knew her, but she did not avail herself of them either. And perhaps that is because it was not meant to be. Sometimes we meet people in our lives and we are a part of their life though their life has nothing to do with us. You may have provided friendship for her at a time when she needed it, but not in a reciprocal way. And that's okay. Do not confuse this "being a part" with thinking she is making some kind of mistake. You do not know what is truly in her heart.

Be happy for her. Pray for her, but move on and do not pine over her as someone that you lost, because you never really had her. Please see the video mentioned above. It is very good. You sound like a nice person and your time, and your love will come one day.

May God bless you and guide you.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:

Very good post. This young woman was having an on-again, off-again relationship with her ex boyfriend, and that is not mature behavior, not a good risk. That back and forth "I can't live with him and I can't live without him" will cause problems down the road, and would cause problems to the OP if for some reason he caught her on the rebound.

I advise the OP to grieve for his emotional investment but thank his guardian angel that he didn't get involved with this young woman. I'll bet God has someone else for him and when she arrives in his life, he will be profoundly grateful that this infatuation never went anywhere.


#13

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:12, topic:233357"]
:thumbsup:

Very good post. This young woman was having an on-again, off-again relationship with her ex boyfriend, and that is not mature behavior, not a good risk. That back and forth "I can't live with him and I can't live without him" will cause problems down the road, and would cause problems to the OP if for some reason he caught her on the rebound.

I advise the OP to grieve for his emotional investment but thank his guardian angel that he didn't get involved with this young woman. I'll bet God has someone else for him and when she arrives in his life, he will be profoundly grateful that this infatuation never went anywhere.

[/quote]

I'm not sure "on again, off again" is a bad thing entirely. My brother has been married for nearly a year now. He and his wife, shortly after they got engaged, had a deep falling out. He went out on one date with another girl, and when she went to kiss him, he knew he'd made a mistake. My SIL had her own maturing to do, but they got back together.

They'd gone through times of breakup in the past, too. And sometimes it wasn't a genuine "breakup" like in the movies, but as they were both young people, often away at college for weeks and maturing fastnot realizing the best way to relate to eachother.


#14

[quote="horselvr, post:2, topic:233357"]
Ya know---I just want to put my arms around you and tell you it is going to be ok and it will be, eventually. My son is also going through a heartache and someone here suggested a video of "Madea On Relationships" and while this is a bit humorous there really is a lot of truth in the message. He watched it and I think it really helped him to understand. There is a lot of truth in that little video.

[/quote]

Yeah, I just found this and, having not watched anything by Tyler Perry or his Madea character before, I enjoyed them immensely. Thanks.

I really like the fact that you added above that you will pray for both she and her fiancee, that they have a good marriage. Someone is going to be very lucky to get a great guy like you. Right now there is a lonely girl wondering when you will finally show up. :thumbsup:

:)

[quote="ServantJohn, post:6, topic:233357"]
We all have a choice of who we love. That choice can be made easier by them being good looking, funny, or talented or harder if they are ugly, uncoordinated, or smell bad, but we still have a choice.

[/quote]

I should clarify, because I do agree with you that love is a decision, not an emotion. So when I say I couldn't help but fall in love with her, I mean that, when it came to deciding whether or not to love her, it was a easy decision for me to make, if that makes sense.

[quote="adelore, post:7, topic:233357"]
To the OP, if God had wanted you and this young lady together, and truely deep down if you had wanted this young lady, sometime over the years, you would have let your feelings be known. Maybe deep....way way deep down inside you knew she was a great friend, but not really the girl for you.

Meanwhile, pray for her happiness and move on. God has a very special someone out there just for you.

[/quote]

Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I think you may be right. Even though I expressed my appreciation for her as a friend, I was always making some excuse for not telling her how I really felt. Something kept me saying to myself "this is not the right time for you to pursue a relationship just yet." I think, perhaps, that, in His wisdom, God allowed me to get know this woman as a way for me to become a better man and stronger Catholic Christain, because I know that I am much more committed to the Faith and the Church than I would have otherwise been because of this. And for that, I will always grateful to her and to Him.

[quote="Magickman, post:8, topic:233357"]
The OP never had a romantic relationship with the object of his affection. She turned down an opportunity to date the OP, and gave no evidence of being attracted to him.

Now she is engaged to marry another man.

My advice is for the OP to move on , and seek other opportunities for romance.

For the OP to persist with the first woman would be creepy and foolish.

[/quote]

You're right. The last thing I want to do put her under any kind of pressure to force do something she doesn't want to do.

[quote="Irishmom2, post:9, topic:233357"]
Gentle heart,

You and this girl were acquaintances and not really even close friends if you only found out that she was back with her boyfriend through facebook. There were opportunities for her to get together with you over the time you knew her, but she did not avail herself of them either. And perhaps that is because it was not meant to be. Sometimes we meet people in our lives and we are a part of their life though their life has nothing to do with us. You may have provided friendship for her at a time when she needed it, but not in a reciprocal way. And that's okay. Do not confuse this "being a part" with thinking she is making some kind of mistake. You do not know what is truly in her heart.

Be happy for her. Pray for her, but move on and do not pine over her as someone that you lost, because you never really had her. Please see the video mentioned above. It is very good. You sound like a nice person and your time, and your love will come one day.

May God bless you and guide you.

[/quote]

Thanks. I think the more frustrating thing for me is that, after she broken up and got back together with her boyfriend the first time, I was ready to cut my losses and move on. But when she broke up with him again, I thought I had a second chance, but circumstances and my own lingering doubts kept getting in the way. And yes, I will, and always have, pray for her, that if we were not meant to be together, that her life would continue to have love, happiness and peace.

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:12, topic:233357"]
This young woman was having an on-again, off-again relationship with her ex boyfriend, and that is not mature behavior, not a good risk. That back and forth "I can't live with him and I can't live without him" will cause problems down the road, and would cause problems to the OP if for some reason he caught her on the rebound.

[/quote]

And this, apart from my own feelings, is partly why I'm concerned that she may have acted in haste in accepting this guy's proposal, and that even though I'm sure they love one another, I sincerely hope and pray this will not lead to something she'll regret later on until it's far too late.


#15

[quote="MJMCatholic, post:14, topic:233357"]

And this, apart from my own feelings, is partly why I'm concerned that she may have acted in haste in accepting this guy's proposal, and that even though I'm sure they love one another, I sincerely hope and pray this will not lead to something she'll regret later on until it's far too late.

[/quote]

Just think about it objectively. And please, let her go. Do not worry, it was not an accident that she took him back. People get what they want in life, so she wants this amount of chaos/excitement/uncertainty. If you want that in your life, you could find someone just like her, or you could be really co-dependent and wait for her to break up with him, or she might even come looking for you to have an affair with. Yes, I am serious. I know so many people who don't believe that people get exactly what they want in life. If there is chaos in their lives, it's because they need that chaos, it's not some sort of fluke. IOW, everyone CREATES what they want to happen.

Do not try to rescue a damsel in distress or all you will have is a distressed damsel.


#16

I think she is not the nice person you thought she was . I think she was just using you. Ditch this chick and try - what is the name of that christian computer dating?


#17

Not a nice situation to be in sorry to hear you feel so heart broken. I think moving on is the best thing to do and like she said use this time to strengthen your relationship with HIM. I know it hurts but God has something better for you....I know you know this in your head I pray you will feel it in your heart too!!!!


#18

If you really think you are in love with her, you still have the option of telling her how you feel. Once she's married, that option is really gone.

But if you do decide to tell her, you have to be prepared to get hurt....again. And then, if that's your answer, please know that you will find someone else. There are so many people out there, maybe even someone who feels the same way about you that you feel about this girl now.

I don't know the right answer. But I do know that regret is a hard thing to live with.

Good luck.


#19

If I were you I would move on. She would have made it clear that she liked you if it was going to work. I would just say this is a good time to search for someone new.


#20

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:15, topic:233357"]
Just think about it objectively. And please, let her go. Do not worry, it was not an accident that she took him back. People get what they want in life, so she wants this amount of chaos/excitement/uncertainty. If you want that in your life, you could find someone just like her, or you could be really co-dependent and wait for her to break up with him, or she might even come looking for you to have an affair with. Yes, I am serious. I know so many people who don't believe that people get exactly what they want in life. If there is chaos in their lives, it's because they need that chaos, it's not some sort of fluke. IOW, everyone CREATES what they want to happen.

Do not try to rescue a damsel in distress or all you will have is a distressed damsel.

[/quote]

I agree that the OP should move on, though I find the idea that people get what they want to be, with all due respect, crazy. Perhaps in some obscure philosophical way that I'm too dull to grasp, but certainly not in any practical way, and not in the business of love. I really, really, really want a better job that will support my family, and have really, really, really wanted it for 4+ years now. I pursue every opportunity that comes along, apply to every job I'm remotely qualified for, etc. Still waiting. What is the timing of this principle? Have I not waited long enough? I would say it applies even less to love than to work. Unrequited love is one of the great tragedies of human history, and some souls drink deeply from its well. Those of us who are older and have been married for years may smile at this man's story and downplay the significance of it. Maybe it is just a youthful crush that will pass in a few months. Or maybe it's a devastating heart-break whose effects will last a lifetime, though time may dull them. (Time heals nothing, though we may forget.) Based on the description I would guess its more the former than the latter, but who can judge another person's heart?

Love the distressed damsel line though, have to remember that! :thumbsup:

To the OP: hang in there. Bigger disappointments surely await you, and greater suffering than you are experiencing now. But happiness and pleasures await as well. I find it helpful to remind myself that the purpose of life is to become a saint. That puts everything else in perspective. The trick is to believe that enough to live like it's true. Every time I pray the faith bead on the rosary lately I ask for faith to believe this. Helps me a lot. For that matter, devote yourself to the Blessed Mother if you haven't already. Pray the rosary every day. Go to adoration and mass as often as you can. It will all be over sooner than you think.

ld


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.