In need of advise


#1

Hello, I am 28 years old and have been married for 1yr 4months. Our relationship has been going on for over 5 yrs. We have a 5 month baby girl who we both love dearly. I was raised catholic as a child, that is I attended a catholic church when I was small. When I was about 11 or so there was a fire at our church and being from a small town there wasn’t another church to attend. My parents did not continue to teach me about religion after this incident. Needless to say I haven’t been to church since and I don’t remember all that much. My husband wasn’t raised with any religious background. He says he believes in God and Jesus. We are quite uneducated on religion. I would like to raise our daughter with religious beliefs.
Lately we have been having problems in our marriage. My husband moved out of the house about 2 months ago and I miss him terribly. I would do anything to reconcile our marriage. He says he cares for me very much and he misses his family greatly. In the past I have been a nagging wife and put too much on my husbands shoulders. he has lied to me a great deal and so I have trust issues w/ him. Lately I have been trying to pray to God to help me. What should I do? Do I need to go to confession and if so how do I do that?? I just want my husband to come home. I miss him terribly and love him so. He gets so angry at me and blames me for his not being around. I feel that my daughter will grow up to resent me for driving her father away. How do I fix this? How do I restore his love for me? How do I make him trust me so he can tell me the truth about things. I feel he lies to me because he is afraid of how I will react. I’m not the only one he lies to though. How do I save my marriage and help my husband?? Please help. I want my family back.


#2

[quote=Anna’s Mom]Hello, I am 28 years old and have been married for 1yr 4months. Our relationship has been going on for over 5 yrs. We have a 5 month baby girl who we both love dearly. I was raised catholic as a child, that is I attended a catholic church when I was small. When I was about 11 or so there was a fire at our church and being from a small town there wasn’t another church to attend. My parents did not continue to teach me about religion after this incident. Needless to say I haven’t been to church since and I don’t remember all that much. My husband wasn’t raised with any religious background. He says he believes in God and Jesus. We are quite uneducated on religion. I would like to raise our daughter with religious beliefs.
Lately we have been having problems in our marriage. My husband moved out of the house about 2 months ago and I miss him terribly. I would do anything to reconcile our marriage. He says he cares for me very much and he misses his family greatly. In the past I have been a nagging wife and put too much on my husbands shoulders. he has lied to me a great deal and so I have trust issues w/ him. Lately I have been trying to pray to God to help me. What should I do? Do I need to go to confession and if so how do I do that?? I just want my husband to come home. I miss him terribly and love him so. He gets so angry at me and blames me for his not being around. I feel that my daughter will grow up to resent me for driving her father away. How do I fix this? How do I restore his love for me? How do I make him trust me so he can tell me the truth about things. I feel he lies to me because he is afraid of how I will react. I’m not the only one he lies to though. How do I save my marriage and help my husband?? Please help. I want my family back.
[/quote]

Hi Anna’s Mom:
Sorry about your pain. Do you know a priest you can talk to? Perhaps it would be a good idea to make an appt. to see a priest for confession. I believe if you make an appt., you will have more time to ask him to help you, than you would if you stood in line for confession. It sounds like you realize what the trouble in your marriage is and that you want to do something about it. I commend you for that. Have you tried telling your dear husband how you feel?
God bless,


#3

I do not know any priest, nor do I even know how to go to confession. I am at wits end here. My husband never wants to talk about things. He has beed extremly busy with his work and he says if he talks about things he can’t keep his mind on work. He has also been complaining of extreme anxiety. I think he has literly had a nervous break down. He has been so different. I don’t know how much of this I can handle myself. I try to be strong for the baby, but it is hard not to cry all the time. I don’t even know if I am praying correctly. Is God mad at me for abandoning him all these years?? I fear I haven’t been a very good person.


#4

Someone please help me. I wish God would help me. How do I know that he is listening? Is he going to help me? I am truly sorry for any pain or trouble I have caused anyone. I am truly greatfull for my beautiful baby. I am typing all of this in hope God will hear me.


#5

Well, it’s hard to advise but the one thing that does stand out is that you need to stop blaming yourself. None of us are perfect and if your husband hadn’t been dishonest with you, then maybe you wouldn’t have had to be on his back so much. Trust is a big issue in a relationship. You didn’t drive your husband away, he chose to leave. He could have chosen to stay and try to work our the problems, he could choose to try that now, but he hasn’t. It has been his choice to leave.

If not a priest, and there must be one somewhere you can make an appointment with, then how about a Catholic or Christian counsellor? If nothing else, they may help you to absolve yourself of all the blame for this situation. Otherwise, pray for your marriage and let your husband know that you are willing to try and work out your marriage problems if he is ready. Let him know the door is always open but don’t pressure him. Hopefully in time he will come to you and you will have another chance.


#6

Thank you everyone for your advise. We have tried personal and family therapy in the past few weeks. The therapists just listen and their replies are things we already know. We do not have the finances to continue to go when we feel that things aren’t getting anywhere. (we were enen on a sliding pay scale)
My husband says he lies to me because he doesn’t want to see me upset or stressed. Being lied to hurts me more than anything. I need God to help me now. I just don’t know how to obtain his help. Is it wrong to ask God for personal favors? It is not just for me but for my baby as well, or is that just my excuse?


#7

[quote=Anna’s Mom]Thank you everyone for your advise. We have tried personal and family therapy in the past few weeks. The therapists just listen and their replies are things we already know. We do not have the finances to continue to go when we feel that things aren’t getting anywhere. (we were enen on a sliding pay scale)
My husband says he lies to me because he doesn’t want to see me upset or stressed. Being lied to hurts me more than anything. I need God to help me now. I just don’t know how to obtain his help. Is it wrong to ask God for personal favors? It is not just for me but for my baby as well, or is that just my excuse?
[/quote]

You don’t need to know a priest. I just thought if you did it would make it easier for you to talk to him. You can call your nearest parish church tomorrow and see if there is a priest there who can see you. I hope things work out for you. But please don’t despair. This is the time to put your trust in God to help you.


#8

Oh, honey, God hears your prayers. There is no “right” way to pray. You are feeling the tug back to God, and I know he is very pleased by that. He has been waiting for you. Open up your yellow pages and find the closest Catholic Church. Call it and make an appointment with the priest. He will guide you back. You will probably want to look into the RCIA, Rite of Christian Ininitation of Adults. Even if you received the first Sacraments, (Baptism, Reconcilliation, Communion) you have not been Confirmed. You will learn what you need to know about your faith.

God will strengthen you. The fact that both you and your husband have the desire to reconcile is a good thing. It gives you something to work with. A Marriage Encounter weekend is awesome from what I understand. It will help you learn to communicate. It will take work on both your parts. Neither one of you is totally at fault, and neither one of you is an innocent victim.
Usually in marital problems there is his side, her side, and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

Read you Bible, listen to Catholic radio, start attending Mass even if you cannot receive Communion.

There is NOTHING you can ever have done in your life that God will not forgive. Just know that He has been waiting and hoping you would come back to Him.

God Bless,

Arlene


#9

[quote=Anna’s Mom]. Lately I have been trying to pray to God to help me. What should I do? Do I need to go to confession and if so how do I do that?? I just want my husband to come home. I miss him terribly and love him so. .
[/quote]

God is waiting and wanting to shower you and your family with graces and blessings, and to give you both the strength and virtues you need to be a good wife/husband/parent. However you have placed barriers against His participation in your marriage. The barrier is the misuse of the gifts He gave you. His plan for you and for all couples is that His gift of sexuality be used in His service, in cooperation with Him. Instead, like so many of us in this culture, you chose to exercise it outside marriage and without His blessing.

You don’t say if you were baptized, received first communion and confirmation. If you were not baptized Catholic you are not bound by Church laws on marriage, but you are bound by God’s general law that all couples must be marriage before they claim the privilege of the marriage act and and each and every marriage act must be open to God’s supreme gift of life. If you did in fact make your first communion and confession, it is time for another confession, laying before the priest an account of all the sins and failings of your past life. When you have been absolved you may return to the reception of the Eucharist, and from there will come the strength you need to make the changes you long for in the way you exercise your vocation as wife and mother.

You cannot do it alone, you need Jesus, as you have already acknowledged in your humility. You have already taken the first step in asking God to help you resolve your problems. He will guide you, and lead you to the point where you and your husband can reconcile, live chastely according to your circumstances, and have your marriage blessed by the Church at the earliest opportunity. Due to your difficulties I am sure preparation for that will include some counselling, a conference with couples in a similar situation and marriage preparation classes and discussions. All of these practical steps will also help you both immensely. Welcome home, we are all praying for you.

If you do need to complete your sacraments of initiation (have you been confirmed?), the priest can also guide you in that way as well. Remember that the sacraments work together. All have their source and summit in the Eucharist, and all are vehicles for God’s grace in your life, and in the life of the whole Church. Be prepared when you embark on this journey of reconciliation that God will be pouring immense blessings and grace on you and your family as you approach Him for each sacrament: penance and reconciliation, Eucharist, confirmation, and matrimony. The power is real and will change your life. God bless you both.


#10

AM,
To find a church near you,

  1. click on the link below,
  2. select your country (e.g. United States…)
  3. select Postal/zip code,
  4. type your zip in the box and click the search button…

masstimes.org/dotNet/

There’s a lot of good comments already, but talking face to face with a priest may be the ticket to start the process of getting God into your life and marriage.

If you know the Our Father, remember that we ask Him to forgive us the same way that we forgive others.

God bless, and keep us posted.


#11

Don’t give up on your marriage! I am living proof of the miracles that God will do to save a marriage. My DH was horrible the first 2 years of our marriage. He cheated, lied, ran around partying all of the time. Then he walked out on me leaving me with 2 small babies. At that point I was fed up and ready to put everything behind me. I was a few days from filing the divorce papers when I felt God telling me to just wait. (believe me, I DID NOT want to wait!) So, I listened to God and waited to file the papers. Within 3 months time, God completely changed DH into an awesome, committed husband and father! Six years later, we have a strong, happy marriage! From day one, I prayed daily for my marriage, every night I told God I was putting my marriage in His hands. I never stopped praying but when DH finally walked out on me I was tired and just decided to give up. But God didn’t forget my prayers, even when I had! He came through for me and I know He will come through for you too.

You just have to be patient and let God work in His timeframe. He doesn’t work on our terms, He works on His and we have to accept that. Put your life and your marriage in His hands and He will take care of you! You are praying and getting frustrated because you think God’s not listening or your doing something wrong. Your forgetting the most important part of prayer and that is faith! You have to trust that God hears you and trust in His will (not necessarily what yours is) and God will always respond to your faith.

Look into one of those Marriage Encounter weekends that a previous poster mentioned. I’ve heard that they have saved countless marriages. You may be able to get free marriage counseling from a priest or get a referral from the Church. Don’t give up on the counseling. Keep looking until you find a counselor that can help you. Have you and your husband tried praying together? Give it a try! It doesn’t have to be anything specific. Just keep it simple. Start by reading some Scripture together and then saying an Our Father or whatever you are both comfortable with. If your unsure how to pray, find a Catholic bookstore and buy some prayer pamphlets that can guide you. The important thing is that you learn to pray together every day and invite God into your marriage.
As you are seeking God, make sure you turn to the Blessed Mother for guidance on your journey . Learn to say the rosary every day. As you get to know Mary, she will lead you directly to her Son and show Him to you. Don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a priest and get hooked up with an RCIA class. Stick around here at Catholic Answers and you will learn so much about the Faith. God is so glad to have you coming home! :wink:


#12

You said that you think your husband may have had a nervous breakdown?

I think you guys need professional counseling and your husband may need individual counseling to get a grip on his anxiety issues. I personally think you guys should work on strengthening your marriage and, if necessary, helping your husband gain control of his anxiety issues BEFORE you add starting something new like religious training to the mix.

This doesn’t mean you can’t find a church and go… it does mean that getting into a heavy discussion about choosing an “official” family religion (i’m assuming you want your religious life to be one the entire family can participate in) may not be optimal right now. :slight_smile:


#13

[quote=smartblkchick]You said that you think your husband may have had a nervous breakdown?

I think you guys need professional counseling and your husband may need individual counseling to get a grip on his anxiety issues. I personally think you guys should work on strengthening your marriage and, if necessary, helping your husband gain control of his anxiety issues BEFORE you add starting something new like religious training to the mix.

This doesn’t mean you can’t find a church and go… it does mean that getting into a heavy discussion about choosing an “official” family religion (i’m assuming you want your religious life to be one the entire family can participate in) may not be optimal right now. :slight_smile:
[/quote]

“Religious training” is all about seeking and learning about God. It is through seeking God that gets us through the hardest parts of our lives. If we just concentrate on solving our difficult problems and put off seeking God until our problems are solved, we’ll get nowhere. We NEED God’s help to solve our problems, especially a marriage that’s in trouble. If someone wants the greatest chances of saving their marriage, then they need to make God (“religious training”) the center of their life, otherwise they’re on their own.


#14

A few posters have suggested Marriage Encounter, so just in case you want to see what it is, here’s another link, for “World Wide Marriage Encounter”

wwme.org/

This may be more info than you need right now, but they’ll be there when you need them.


#15

hello Anna’s mom! Hang in there-all will work for the best for you if you place your trust in God. He knows what will lead you to Him, all you have to do is trust Him. Don’t worry so much about all that is going on in your life-He will take care of you. It may not be the way you expect it either-it may be that your marriage will not work out. Do you know that Catholics are not married unless married in the Catholic Church? So if you were not married in the Catholic Church, you are not married anyway but that doesn’t mean to leave your husband, I am just saying that you need to place your trust in God more. It sounds like you are desparate to get your husband back, just be desparate to get closer to God and He will decide where your “marriage” should be. There is a biblical saying that says “seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all your needs will be given to you”. Go dive in!!! Talk to a priest (find an old fashioned traditional priest-that’s better), attend mass every week, read about the Catholic religion, do everything you can to learn about the Faith again. The more you learn and strive to become a good Catholic, the more our Father will shower His grace on you and lead you to Him and give you peace. Remember, all hard times on this earth are is God asking you to get closer to Him. LISTEN TO HIM!!! The “Baltimore Cathechism” is a good series of books to learn more about being Catholic. Don’t worry about bringing your husband to you, worry about bringing you to God, He’ll help you with the rest!! God bless you! :smiley: :thumbsup: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:


#16

Anna’s Mom, I forgot to mention Retrouvalle to you last night. They may be able to help you. There may also be a group near you too.
retrouvaille.org/


#17

I am so desperate. I miss my husband so much. All I can do is cry and think of all the things that I have done wrong. My husband completes me. I pray all the time and I don’t know if anyone is listening. What if God does not want to help me??? How do I know if I am deserving??? How do I show my husband how much I love him without telling him so? He doesn’t want to hear it right now.


#18

Follow the advise that has been given you. Find a Catholic Church make an appointment with a Priest and follow his advice.

I came back to the Church after beinging gone for 45 years. I opened a telephone book found a church near me, told the chuch secretary that I hadn’t been to a confession for 45 years and I wanted to return to the Faith. A few days later a Priest called me and I made an appointment and went to confession. That was in July 2004 and my life as completly turned around since than.

The first step is opening the phone book, than open yourself to GOD.

In the meantime, pray, pray and pray some more. God is listening to you, you need to have faith and you will begin to grow in faith after you take the first steps.

I would also suggest that when you see the Priest for the first time ask him to teach you how to pray the Rosary. The most powerful prayer you can learn. In fact, since you have a computer log on to EWTN and pray along with Mother Angelica and the Sisters. You can pray with her at 6:30 pm Pacific Time or 9:30 Eastern time

www.ewtn.com


#19

First of all, Let me say I am sorry that you are going through so much sadness and stress. But as my mom says, What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. You are strong and you will do fine. I can understand that confession is a little scary. It is not meant to be. I went to confession after not going for years and the priest was actually so sweet and understanding I wanted to cry and hug him. I hope you have a similar experience. I got this info from this website

catholic.org/frz/examen/confession_how.htm

How To Go To Confession

  1. The Priest will often begin with the Sign of the Cross or a greeting and blessing.

  2. The Penitent begins by saying “Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been ____ (number of days, weeks, months, etc.) since my last confession. These are my sins”.

  3. Confess all mortal sins committed since your last confession by kind and number (this is important). Hold NOTHING back. You may also confess any venial sins.

  4. At the end of your confession say these or similar words: “For these and all the sins of my life I am sorry.” By this you tell the priest that you are finished. Otherwise, he might think you are still thinking or even trying to summon the courage to tell him “the big one”.

  5. The Priest may ask questions for clarification or give you some counsel on a point from your confession. Answer briefly.

  6. The Priest will give you a penance. Listen to it carefully and remember it. You can refuse a penance if it is too vague or impossible to do in a reasonable time.

  7. The Penitent makes an act of contrition in these or similar words: O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all of my sins because of Thy just punishments. But most of all because they offend Thee my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more, and to avoid the near occasions of sin. Amen. Memorize a good act of contrition.

  8. The Priest will give you absolution in Latin or in your common language. (The words necessary in English for forgiveness are “I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”). Do not leave until the priest has given you absolution. He will not refuse you absolution unless it is clear that you are not sorry for your sins or you have no intention of amending your life.


#20

Dear puzzleannie,
how have I misused the gifts God gave me in my marriage??? Do you mean by having an affair??? I have not exercised it outside of my marriage. I would NEVER cheat on my husband. Have I misused the gifts of marriage by taking it all for granted? Is that what you mean? I do not understand what you mean. I have been faithful. When I say I wasn’t there for my husband I mean I did not support him emotionally.
Also I am ashamed to say that I don’t know what sacraments are. I don’t know what most of this stuff is. I was baptized as a baby in the catholic church and had my first communion. That is about all I know. I still have my childrens bible and have been reading it to my daughter. She really seems to listen.

i


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