Thanks, I’ll be sure to check that out. I’m not sure that we have a Catholic radio program locally, but I’ll definitely check around on the internet.
You might consider writing some of this down in a letter, too; it’s hard when you’re in the middle of things to say what you mean the way you want to, and not allow the discussion to be sidetracked onto your failings. Men kind of need things spelled out for them.
If you have something like “when you do A, I feel dishonored as a wife” and “Would you do X for me to let me know my hard work is appreciated”. Seems weird, but all these thoughts don’t seem to naturally enter their minds. But if you tell them EXACTLY what you’d like, on paper, he might do it!
That’s a good point… After my husband and I talked a bit he asked me to line up exactly what chores I needed help with every day, what needs to be done for the kids, etc. I figure it’s progress, but I didn’t think about actually writing it all out for him. And I’d eventually like to not have to spell everything out in writing, but at least it’s a start… and I don’t feel quite so frustrated after hearing this!
Also, although he is being immature in many ways, remember that he also probably has some growing up to do. I look back to the early days of my marriage and smile now, because my husband was such a control freak, right down to how the dishes should be stacked in the sink. Totally serious here! Why do I smile? Because rather than focus on the negative, I focus on what a really great guy he is. He turned out to be the greatest dad in the world after some initial neglect on his part (had to do some growing up). He has always held a job, although I really disliked some of his friends. I know he loves me, although early in our marriage he was often abrasive and controlling. So he has definitely had his faults.
I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.
We just had to grow up together. I don’t think you need to be so timid; but on the other hand, remember you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I learned to give my husband respect and admiration, which is what he craved, and I also learned not to be a nag, which was a huge fault of mine. I learned to ask him to help and to thank him, and he learned that it made me happy when he helped out, which led to more harmonious surroundings. But I do think it takes lots of time to learn to communicate effectively, lots of listening. You sound like you are doing a great job, just learn to listen to his needs but also expect that he listens to yours.
Just my two cents…
This is excellent advice! We can’t expect our husbands to be mind readers! I am sure that early in many marriages if someone asked the hisband to write down exactly what he wanted his wife to do for him, there would be things on the list that the wife didn’t think of. For example, my husband so appreciates that I make his lunch every day. That didn’t occur to me early in our marrige at all! Now it is second nature to me to get up and make lunches for him and the kids. I also needed to find out what he liked in it, which experiements worked and which didn’t! lol A simple thing, but what a difference it made.
Since he asked which chores or kid things he should do to help out, tell him. Be specific and be realistic about the help you really need. Don’t expect him to completely take over when he gets home from work, but don’t just give him a few simple things either–he’ll think you were just being whiney when you complained.
I found it helpful to set up a routine ‘clean sweep’ in the half hour or so before my husband got home. I picked up the worst mess, cleaned up the kids a bit (hands and faces and clean diapers), and cleaned myself up too. That helped the kids transition into ‘daddy time’ and helped me not be so frazzled. He learned to do a similar transition on the way home–leave work behind. Then we were all ready for dinner and family time.
As the kids get older, or when you have more, you all need to learn to shift schedules, expectations, even priorities of what gets done in a day and what just can’t. Think about what would really help make your family time better and tell him–without whining or demanding, but as his bride.
You say that he behaves like his mother more yet admires his father? Oh yeah I know a couple of men that are like that…it’s crazy!!! I have a couple of friends’ whom their father’s are fantastic hard working men and their mother straight bitches, I am not kidding you, you can’t even drive up the driveway without hearing these women about anything, it doesn’t matter…And these guys love and are close to their fathers but act just like their mothers and when it gets brought up to them to hear how they sound like their mother they go all psycho and offended, it’s like see!!! Many are married some are not, and a couple even their fathers are like “i don’t know where they get it from I didn’t raise them to be like this!!!” And their mothers are like “Oh why can’t they be more like their father!!” It’s like I wonder why???
Anyhow back to the OP, I am sorry you are going through the problems you are going through…Marriage is not easy at all, and you have to pray a lot…Seek counseling is the best thing I can advise…I know I should have taken counseling with my exhusband but he wouldn’t go!! LOL So eh, some men, lol, just keep praying and your head held high…Look to GOD and don’t give up…Talk to your hubby one night, ask inlaws or your parents to babysit, and just go for it, in a romantic dinner for the two and I am sure he will pay attention to you…even start going to counseling and tell him you’d like him to go with you, and I am sure he’d be more than happy to…If anything tell him it’s for you and then have the priest involve him in the conversations…I am sure things will get better…Don’t stop praying!
God bless and good luck!!!