I’ve been going through a very dark time…the day before thanksgiving in 2011 I found out I was pregnant (first pregnancy) and I was so ecstatic…I felt so blessed by God. And then that Saturday after work I ended up bleeding and I lost the baby…it hadn’t been confirmed by the doctors or anything, so they didn’t really count it as a miscarriage…even though by my dates they judged I was around 9 weeks along. I went to Mass once after that…then Christmas came along and I went to the Church at the usual time, and I realized that I had missed the Christmas Day services. I had forgotten that the times had changed for that day. Since then…I haven’t been back.
I’ve made attempts to go back…but something always stops me from going. Whether it be a bad headache or just not feeling well in general…I took a nap and over slept…or I just plain didn’t feel like going. It’s gotten worse as time passes.
Just recently I went through a second miscarriage and this one has taken an extreme mental toll on me. I keep feeling God beckoning me to come to him, but something keeps holding me back. I don’t blame him for my losses…in fact, I’m very happy that I have 2 little perfect saints in heaven. I never have to worry if they’re in pain or suffering…I don’t have to worry about their salvation. I’m confident that they’re in heaven and that makes me happy.
I just need prayers to have the strength to answer God’s call. I need to go to confession before Mass, and they only do confession right before the 4:00 mass on Sunday (it’s a military Chapel…and I have no civilian Churches to go to. I’m on a small island in Japan).
Thanks in advance for the prayers…I hate myself for being so long away from the Church and God’s Grace. I feel the emptiness in my soul and it’s eating at me.