I am in RCIA, and have learned A LOT in the past month, not only with RCIA, but with specifically, this website, and the Catholic radio station I have found (which plays Catholic Answers Live which has to be my favorite so far). I have NO doubt that this the path God wants me on, but as I have stated in previous posts, I have A LOT of obstacles right now.
I suppose I became an unoffical Inquirer nearly 2 years ago, however, at that time I involved A LOT of people. I told a lot of my friends. Some whom I thought I was closer to than was really the case. There were lots of opinions, and a lot of people who wanted to tell me their opinions…whether good or bad.
Then I put my faith exploration on hold for the most part, trying to deal with some of my other struggles. I finally realized maybe only a couple months ago, that when I was following the inspirations of God, praying, and attempting to have a relationship with God, that things started going better for me. Maybe not better. Perhaps it was merely that many things in my life became easier. Things, for instance, like weight loss, friendships, anger issues, etc. That MY reactions to things that might be negative were better.
So, I found myself starting RCIA a month ago. At that moment I made a decision, and that was that I would not involve, in particular, my friends…I have barely told a soul, with the exception of a small handful of people far removed from me. My closest friends don’t know the exact things I am going through, that I am attending RCIA, but I have told a few I am going through some things, just so they would know that much.
While I think it was, in many ways, a good decision, I do find myself VERY lonely. I have moments of sadness, of doubt, where I suddenly feel like I don’t have anyone I can go to to help comfort or lift me. Then I have moments of absolute amazement and Joy, and again, there seems to be no one I can really tell it to. This is a new thing for me, chosing to not involve so many people.
A few questions. For those that have gone through RCIA, or experiencing it now, do you think this is perhaps normal on some level? Perhaps that as we seek truth, that Evil works to destroy our progress? I was recognizing today that my doubts did NOT arrive during prayer, but usually in response to something I have learned, or something I have been told. When I have a doubt or am feeling frustrated, and I finally go to God in prayer asking for some sort of inspiration, comfort, or guidance, while it may not always be instant (though sometimes it is)…typically my doubts disappear and I am filled with comfort, Grace, or a peace in general.
I also wonder, any other suggestions? Perhaps finding friends in my RCIA? While I am not necessarily uncomfortable with people, I get the feeling MY experiences, in particular my struggles with acceptance from my family, are not at all like those around me. Just hearing everyone else’s experiences, I seem to be alone among the other inquirers…let me clarify, I am not putting down what others may be going through, that mine is “stronger” somehow, just that it is definitely different. I don’t know, maybe this is my continued feelings of lonliness that are talking.
I just wonder what more I could be doing…I know there are others out there having experiences similar to mine, but why do I still feel so alone in this struggle?
I’m not sure if my questions made sense, I hope someone has some good suggestions!