Inappropriate dreams (adult content!)


#1

My husband and I are struggling with our sexuality right now. My husband does not trust NFP, and does not care what the Church says about married sexuality. He was raised Protestant, and raised in the culture of contraception. He has converted in name now, but does not hold the truth of the Church in his heart. He has accepted my decision to not use hormonal birth control, but does not understand why I will not accept using condoms or withdrawal.

As a result, we have relations very infrequently, usually only when he agrees to complete the act right before, and even when we do, he usually ‘slips out’ and claims it was an accident. Whether it is or not, I really can’t say. He is not given to dissembling or purposeful lying, but very often he lies inadvertently. It’s like he cannot see or comprehend the truth in a situation if it’s something that hurts him or could cause an argument.

After this, I’m always deeply hurt and feel used. I talk to him about it, sometimes right after or the next day, sometimes I give it time and bring it up in a calm moment. We usually end up arguing. He says something like “You don’t have to be Catholic all the time/in bed” or “We’re married, we should be able to do whatever we want”. I have attacked this view from every angle, presented Church teaching over and over again in several different ways, and left out the Church teaching and only spoken on my feelings. Nothing seems to get through to him.

I have dealt with all of this for awhile, and I’m sort of used to it. If you have any advice on it, that would be great, but what’s really bugging me right now is my reaction. After such an episode, I tend to have very sexual dreams. Rarely are they with my husband, though. Usually the male in the dream is an old friend from high school who I never dated, but did have serious feelings for. I have no contact with him now (I ended that a year or so ago when I felt that I should, because of these dreams), but I know he has a son, though he is unmarried, and lives with his son’s mother as if they are married.

Obviously, he is not the sort of person who would turn my head now (if I were single) because of the choices he’s made, but in my dreams he does. And the dreams are almost always in the present, though it’s a modified reality. I’m married, he is single, neither of us have a child, and I’m cheating on my husband. I just don’t understand it. I would never do this, but in the dreams it feels natural. And the act, though it’s cheating and clearly wrong, feels right and the way married relations should feel.

These dreams are deeply disturbing to me, and I don’t know what to do. Is it an attack on my morality by demons? Is it just a product of my desperation to have a true marriage? I’m really at a loss.


#2

[quote="k8e308, post:1, topic:235068"]
He has converted in name now, but does not hold the truth of the Church in his heart.

[/quote]

:( I'm sorry to hear this. Pray the Rosary and the chaplet of Divine Mercy for him. Just keep praying!!

[quote="k8e308, post:1, topic:235068"]
He says something like "You don't have to be Catholic all the time/in bed" or "We're married, we should be able to do whatever we want". I have attacked this view from every angle, presented Church teaching over and over again in several different ways, and left out the Church teaching and only spoken on my feelings. Nothing seems to get through to him.

[/quote]

Leaving your faith out of any part of your life isn't right, especially this part. Since he converted in name only, I'm not surprised he thinks this way. I am kind of surprised that he was able to be initiated into the Church if he is so against many of its teachings....

I highly suggest reading (and asking him to read) Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. It really helped me not only know what the Church teaches, but understand why the Church teaches what it does.

[quote="k8e308, post:1, topic:235068"]
These dreams are deeply disturbing to me, and I don't know what to do. Is it an attack on my morality by demons? Is it just a product of my desperation to have a true marriage? I'm really at a loss.

[/quote]

As far as I understand, we are not responsible for our dreams. We can't control them, so they are not sinful, even if what happens in them is sinful. I would think you're dreaming what you are because you are sad about what's going on in your marriage.

I'll pray for you and your husband. :hug1: Perhaps you can talk with a priest about these issues and that might help?


#3

I see it as a natural reaction to your starved emotional needs. You clearly are not getting your emotional needs met any more than your physical needs. Stop focusing on the bedroom part of sex right now. Tell him that the bedroom sex is only a symptom of a greater problem. That is, that both of you need to focus more on spiritual and emotional needs of each other. It is quite possible that he is also feeling frustrated in these areas (and not even realize that's what it is).

His actions in the bedroom do not make you culpable for sin. Clearly, he knows what you think and is not willing to obey your wishes at this time. I would not spend much more effort talking to him about those specific things.

Focus on the common ground that you two have regarding faith in God and go with that. To grow seeds, the farmer needs to till the soil first. Think of sticking with the common ground for a while as tilling the soil. Ask him to pray with you each and every time before sex.

A simple prayer like "Lord, we thank you for the gift of our sexuality so that we may cooperate in your plan for creating life. Let us always be open to Your will." Do not use the prayer for a means of pontificating your moral position any further. It will seem manipulative.

In the marital act, thank him for loving you and tell him how much you desire the complete giving of himself to you. Over time, perhaps he will also reciprocate.

This little bit of advice has worked well for my wife and I. I am so glad that she trusted me enough to be honest in how she felt. In time, I was able to meet her needs even better.

Peace.


#4

Not commenting on the first part of your post, but you are not responsible for your dreams, they are involuntary, and you cannot control them. You carry no guilt in the matter. They are just a part of being human that we can't control. Just try to ignore them and don't allow yourself to carry any guilt about them. You have enough problems without worrying about your dreams. There may be a relationship between them and your marital problems, but they aren't the cause of the problems, and there is nothing you can do about them.

I have said a prayer for you.


#5

A wise man once said to follow your dreams.


#6

I think your dreams reflect part of your heart and that by itself is not wrong. To be more blunt, I think we are likely to dream about feelings that we suppress or feel guilty about. Perhaps both of you could use a deeper appreciation for the others’ feelings. Since his problems seem to come first chronologically maybe three is a way to address them first. Okay so he is not deferring to the Church authority. Lay that aside for a moment. he desires something - freedom, spontaneity, passion, attention. Are there any other ways to meet these needs besides acts that run counter to the Church? Also he is feeling resentful of the church’s authority over you. Is there a better way that he can come to terms with your faith? It may take a lot of marital work but that won’t happen as long as the issue is “Church says so.”

You also have deep feelings. You are hurt by his actions and desire deeper intimacy. Can you express these feelings in a context which does not trigger the sexual debate? Are there occasions of romance you two can have outside the bedroom that meet needs without causing friction (no pun intended)? I respect you for posting so intimately and will offer you two up in prayer.


#7

I found this post disgusting, to say the least!


#8

This post bothers me… and I’m not easily bothered…


#9

[quote="jesusp4p1, post:5, topic:235068"]
A wise man once said to follow your dreams.

[/quote]

This reply bothers me ^^^ ...and I'm not easily bothered...


#10

[quote="k8e308, post:1, topic:235068"]
My husband and I are struggling with our sexuality right now. My husband does not trust NFP, and does not care what the Church says about married sexuality. He was raised Protestant, and raised in the culture of contraception. He has converted in name now, but does not hold the truth of the Church in his heart. He has accepted my decision to not use hormonal birth control, but does not understand why I will not accept using condoms or withdrawal.

As a result, we have relations very infrequently, usually only when he agrees to complete the act right before, and even when we do, he usually 'slips out' and claims it was an accident. Whether it is or not, I really can't say. He is not given to dissembling or purposeful lying, but very often he lies inadvertently. It's like he cannot see or comprehend the truth in a situation if it's something that hurts him or could cause an argument.

After this, I'm always deeply hurt and feel used. I talk to him about it, sometimes right after or the next day, sometimes I give it time and bring it up in a calm moment. We usually end up arguing. He says something like "You don't have to be Catholic all the time/in bed" or "We're married, we should be able to do whatever we want". I have attacked this view from every angle, presented Church teaching over and over again in several different ways, and left out the Church teaching and only spoken on my feelings. Nothing seems to get through to him.

I have dealt with all of this for awhile, and I'm sort of used to it. If you have any advice on it, that would be great, but what's really bugging me right now is my reaction. After such an episode, I tend to have very sexual dreams. Rarely are they with my husband, though. Usually the male in the dream is an old friend from high school who I never dated, but did have serious feelings for. I have no contact with him now (I ended that a year or so ago when I felt that I should, because of these dreams), but I know he has a son, though he is unmarried, and lives with his son's mother as if they are married.

Obviously, he is not the sort of person who would turn my head now (if I were single) because of the choices he's made, but in my dreams he does. And the dreams are almost always in the present, though it's a modified reality. I'm married, he is single, neither of us have a child, and I'm cheating on my husband. I just don't understand it. I would never do this, but in the dreams it feels natural. And the act, though it's cheating and clearly wrong, feels right and the way married relations should feel.

These dreams are deeply disturbing to me, and I don't know what to do. Is it an attack on my morality by demons? Is it just a product of my desperation to have a true marriage? I'm really at a loss.

[/quote]

As this is a very sensitive subject, and obviously some members don't want to touch the topic, I would ask a couple of questions.

Is your husband withdrawing as retribution for the Catholic rules you are making him follow?
Is he being hurtful in other ways to you?

If either is true, he may just be trying to get your attention. If he feels that the rules are getting in the way of your marriage, this may be the only way he can communicate. Sometimes men, but more often women are refusers. This is withholding relations from their partner. It is extremely unhealthy, but much more common that you would think.

Perhaps you should try another approach and explain and learn Theology of the Body as one way of showing how beautiful the physical side of the relationship is, and how it can be very spiritual as well. Sometimes just emphasising the rules, rather than the sacred reasons they are there gets lost on a partner.

And BTW, as some other posters already said, don't worry about the dream, you can't control it. Just don't dwell on it when you are awake.


#11

[quote="Chrismacmax, post:7, topic:235068"]
I found this post disgusting, to say the least!

[/quote]

To which post were you referring? There were six posts that preceded yours.

On the subject of dreams, as I understand the subject, dreams are attempts by the subconscious mind to make sense of random neural firings in the brain during sleep. I agree with those who stated that there is no personal responsibility for what happens in dreams. An exception might be if you are having a lucid dream (one in which you realize that you are dreaming), and you deliberately choose to do something bad because you know that this is not the real world. However, lucid dreams are extremely rare.

DaveBj


#12

I am very sorry you are going through this right now. I agree with a lot of the other posters, the dreams are not your fault. But I do feel for you because I know how much dreams can affect me. I can wake up wondering if it actually happened and I can feel shooken up for the rest of the day. So in that sense my heart goes out to you.

As for your husband, unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom only prayers. I do suspect however, that he may be feeling really nagged about this whole issue which is why any attempts on your part to discuss it ends up in an argument. I would suggest being really patient and really bringing it up in small baby steps

Gob Bless

CM


closed #13

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