My husband and I are struggling with our sexuality right now. My husband does not trust NFP, and does not care what the Church says about married sexuality. He was raised Protestant, and raised in the culture of contraception. He has converted in name now, but does not hold the truth of the Church in his heart. He has accepted my decision to not use hormonal birth control, but does not understand why I will not accept using condoms or withdrawal.
As a result, we have relations very infrequently, usually only when he agrees to complete the act right before, and even when we do, he usually ‘slips out’ and claims it was an accident. Whether it is or not, I really can’t say. He is not given to dissembling or purposeful lying, but very often he lies inadvertently. It’s like he cannot see or comprehend the truth in a situation if it’s something that hurts him or could cause an argument.
After this, I’m always deeply hurt and feel used. I talk to him about it, sometimes right after or the next day, sometimes I give it time and bring it up in a calm moment. We usually end up arguing. He says something like “You don’t have to be Catholic all the time/in bed” or “We’re married, we should be able to do whatever we want”. I have attacked this view from every angle, presented Church teaching over and over again in several different ways, and left out the Church teaching and only spoken on my feelings. Nothing seems to get through to him.
I have dealt with all of this for awhile, and I’m sort of used to it. If you have any advice on it, that would be great, but what’s really bugging me right now is my reaction. After such an episode, I tend to have very sexual dreams. Rarely are they with my husband, though. Usually the male in the dream is an old friend from high school who I never dated, but did have serious feelings for. I have no contact with him now (I ended that a year or so ago when I felt that I should, because of these dreams), but I know he has a son, though he is unmarried, and lives with his son’s mother as if they are married.
Obviously, he is not the sort of person who would turn my head now (if I were single) because of the choices he’s made, but in my dreams he does. And the dreams are almost always in the present, though it’s a modified reality. I’m married, he is single, neither of us have a child, and I’m cheating on my husband. I just don’t understand it. I would never do this, but in the dreams it feels natural. And the act, though it’s cheating and clearly wrong, feels right and the way married relations should feel.
These dreams are deeply disturbing to me, and I don’t know what to do. Is it an attack on my morality by demons? Is it just a product of my desperation to have a true marriage? I’m really at a loss.