It’s been a while since I posted on here… I’m 16 years old, going through a bunch of junky (possibly abusive) stuff with my parents, and pretty much losing faith in God. I feel very little emotion over anything anymore, unless it’s anger, which I feel very powerfully. I’m never really truly happy or excited – kind of losing interest in life in general. I’m just numb. For a while I pretty much stopped praying; I was mad at God and tired of trying to find Him in the mess of my life. Now, I pray at night and in the morning, but I don’t say much and usually my mind wanders. I know I’m not trying hard enough, but I don’t care about God at all anymore. I don’t feel Him, and don’t really want to be close to Him anymore either. Nothing about my faith seems sincere, and if someone were to ask me if I loved God, my honest answer would have to be that I don’t know. This is a big difference from who I was just a year or two ago. My goals for the future – my desire to serve God in everything – have completely disappeared. My general good will is pretty much gone, I masturbate (which I am terribly ashamed of), and I’m bitter and angry a lot, plus I constantly put myself down. I hate who I’m becoming, but I don’t know what to do to turn things around. I feel like I’m floating – I don’t have anything to hold on to, and I’m kind of scared I’m going to turn away from God altogether. The weird thing is I can’t exactly pinpoint why. Can these sorts of feelings just happen?
I guess my question to you all is what can I do to keep going? Does God forgive us, if we don’t forgive others? And how can I reignite some small desire for God?
I’m meeting with a priest this Sunday. It’s my second meeting with him, though the first one was mostly about my family issues. I feel terribly guilty about going to him, for starters, but I’m also not sure what to say about faith stuff. How can he help me with it? I have like no clue what I’m doing. And I haven’t been to confession since First Communion (something else I’m ashamed of, though it’s not exactly my fault – my parents don’t put much stock in it). Should I mention that to him? I don’t want him to think I’m stupid or a jerk or something… that’s the last thing my low self-esteem needs.
Any advice about any of this would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!