Infedelity


#1

I just recently found out my husband was unfaithful to my and our marriage vows. He took a women home from a bar and they kissed etc. but they did not actually have intercourse. I feel this is still a betrayel. My husband does have a drinking problem he has gotten in trouble a couple of times for DUI but this has just broken my heart we have four chldren. Are marriage was not perfect by any means however how do I truly forgive him and move on. Not just forgive but forget. I love him and he says he still loves me. Other advice I have gotten has been mixed. My friends at work tell me I should kick him out. My father tells me forgiveness is the answer. I guess if anything positive can come from this we realized how much we mean to each other and that we have let our relationship go. I just need some advice on how to truly forgive him and move on. How do I ever trust him again? I want to. I want this huge lump I have in my stomach to go away. I also dont want this to be a dark cloud over our marriage. I don’t want to be the kind of person who says she forgives and then when we get in an argument I throw it in his face. We are going to go to counseling. I don’t know how to continue with this. I don’t want to live a lie.


#2

Is your husband Catholic? If so, he should go to Confession. If God can forgive him in that sacrament, it might make it easier for you to, too. And it would probably be a good idea to go to your priest or minister together for some advice that is faith-based. I am so sorry to hear about your heartache. Put yourself and your husband in the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Also remember, your husband was drinking (I’m not trying to justify him), and who knows how much he was in touch with reality at that point. This might be a good wake-up call for him to start going to AA or getting help with his drinking.


#3

Retrouvaille is also a great Catholic weekend for couples having marriage troubles. I’m so glad you’re seeking counseling, and I hope you have a chance to look for a Catholic counselor as well as arrange a meeting with a priest and give your husband an opportunity to go to confession, which is available to non-Catholics, too (but slightly different).

Unless your husband has a continuing problem or his drinking is serious enough that you are unsafe, I agree with your father than forgiveness and reconcilliation is the best first option. You owe it to your marriage, your husband, your children, and basically everyone with whom you come in contact to put forth your best effort to get your marriage back on track. Perhaps this will be an opportunity to get it even better than it was before you found out about his mistake.

You have a found a wonderful group of people here at CAF who will support you with advice and prayer as you and your husband begin healing. Welcome!


#4

I have grown up surrounded by addiction. It is one thing to forgive and another thing to enable. Unless he is going to 100% make attempts to live a sober life and go to either in patient rehab or AA this viscious cycle will NEVER end. I can guarantee it. He has a choice and if he chooses the sober route than YES i think that he deserves your forgiveness.

However, if he does not…than it is not safe or healthy for you OR your children to live with him. Why should you and your children continuously suffer?

Addiction is a horrible thing but there are options and he has to WANT to get better.


#5

[quote=lmk72] I just recently found out my husband was unfaithful to my and our marriage vows. He took a women home from a bar and they kissed etc. but they did not actually have intercourse. I feel this is still a betrayel.
[/quote]

Of course it is a betrayal of your trust and your love. I am sorry this has happened to you.

[quote=lmk72] My husband does have a drinking problem he has gotten in trouble a couple of times for DUI but this has just broken my heart we have four chldren. Are marriage was not perfect by any means however how do I truly forgive him and move on. Not just forgive but forget. I love him and he says he still loves me. Other advice I have gotten has been mixed.
[/quote]

If he loves you, and you love him, then that is all that matters. That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate bad behavior. He needs to get into rehab and/or counseling for his alcohol and you both need to go to counseling for your marriage. A Catholic counselor can help you-- check with your parish or diocese, or look online, I think there’s a website that lists Catholic counselors.

[quote=lmk72] My friends at work tell me I should kick him out.
[/quote]

These friends are coming from a secular point of view, not necessarily a Catholic point of view. Ignore them.

[quote=lmk72] My father tells me forgiveness is the answer. I guess if anything positive can come from this we realized how much we mean to each other and that we have let our relationship go.
[/quote]

You have your answer-- neither of you wants to end your marriage. Your father is wise.

[quote=lmk72] I just need some advice on how to truly forgive him and move on. How do I ever trust him again? I want to. I want this huge lump I have in my stomach to go away. I also dont want this to be a dark cloud over our marriage. I don’t want to be the kind of person who says she forgives and then when we get in an argument I throw it in his face. We are going to go to counseling. I don’t know how to continue with this. I don’t want to live a lie.
[/quote]

It doesn’t happen overnight. You need to go to counseling, both for yourself and as a couple. I also suggest checking out the Catholic retreat programs Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille. And, I can’t stress enough that he has to get help for his drinking problem.


#6

You are stuck with the hurt and lump in your stomach, but he now has the responsibilty to “remedy” his mistake. He must take steps to work on his alcohol problems. It should include something tangible–like making a commitment to attend weekly AA meetings, clearing out all the alcohol in your home, agreeing not to go out at night to bars–or any other place alcohol is served without you along.

If he is remorseful and takes these steps…it is a good sign that he means what he says when he says he is sorry. But it is essential that he restores his clear thinking and judgment. You will probably never forget this lapse of judgement, but you can forgive him and mean it in a way that doesn’t cause you to use it against him every time conflict arises.


#7

[quote=lmk72]how do I truly forgive him and move on. Not just forgive but forget.
[/quote]

Foregiveness in the Bible is almost always preceded by repentance. One possible exception is when Jesus asked God to forgive those crucifying him “for they know not what they do”.

Your husband clearly knew what he was doing. You say he is sorry. Great. But repentance is more than saying I’m sorry. It is changing behavior. If he is truly repentant and changes his behavior, I’m sure you will find forgiveness easy to come by in that you already want to forgive him. Until he truly repents, I suspect you will continue to find it difficult to forgive.

In the past, when I have pointed out the biblical view of repentance and forgiveness, people here have said that we should forgive whether the one that sins against you is repentant or not. But that isn’t the example the church itself gives. Have you noticed when you go to confession that the priest doesn’t start by saying you are forgiven? That doesn’t come until you confess your sins and demonstrate an act of contrition - repentance.

My father tells me forgiveness is the answer.

This one caught my attention on a different reason. It seems you have told your family about the problem. I’m suggesting that is wrong.

If you want a happy marriage, never tell your family about your marital problems. While it is comforting to have your family on your side, it is harmful in the long run. Telling your family your marital problems diminshes your husband in their eyes. What happens is that down the road when you have forgiven, they haven’t necessarily done the same. Even if they do, their opinion of him doesn’t recover. He has hurt their daughter and that isn’t something easily forgotten.

How do I ever trust him again? I want to. I want this huge lump I have in my stomach to go away.

You can trust him when he demonstrates he is trustworthy. If he really wants to heal your marriage, he needs to take the steps to make sure he is not put in a similar situation in the future. If he keeps going to bars and associating with women, it will happen again.


#8

Thank you very much for your advice. My father actually is very forgiving and has actually been one of my husbands biggest supporters and encouraging forgiveness. He has talked to my husband and he truly believes he is sorry and deserves to be forgiven. Most of all I believe in my heart my husband is sorry and deserves my forgivness. I also believe I should follow Christ’s example and show my husband love and forgivness. I do agree that marital issues do need to be kept between spouses and will definitely always discuss my concerns with my husband before others

Thank You and God Bless :slight_smile: .


#9

[quote=SemperJase]Foregiveness in the Bible is almost always preceded by repentance. One possible exception is when Jesus asked God to forgive those crucifying him “for they know not what they do”.

Your husband clearly knew what he was doing. You say he is sorry. Great. But repentance is more than saying I’m sorry. It is changing behavior. If he is truly repentant and changes his behavior, I’m sure you will find forgiveness easy to come by in that you already want to forgive him. Until he truly repents, I suspect you will continue to find it difficult to forgive.

In the past, when I have pointed out the biblical view of repentance and forgiveness, people here have said that we should forgive whether the one that sins against you is repentant or not. But that isn’t the example the church itself gives. Have you noticed when you go to confession that the priest doesn’t start by saying you are forgiven? That doesn’t come until you confess your sins and demonstrate an act of contrition - repentance.

This one caught my attention on a different reason. It seems you have told your family about the problem. I’m suggesting that is wrong.

If you want a happy marriage, never tell your family about your marital problems. While it is comforting to have your family on your side, it is harmful in the long run. Telling your family your marital problems diminshes your husband in their eyes. What happens is that down the road when you have forgiven, they haven’t necessarily done the same. Even if they do, their opinion of him doesn’t recover. He has hurt their daughter and that isn’t something easily forgotten.

You can trust him when he demonstrates he is trustworthy. If he really wants to heal your marriage, he needs to take the steps to make sure he is not put in a similar situation in the future. If he keeps going to bars and associating with women, it will happen again.
[/quote]

I agree with this post. Would also recommend a book called Fascinating Womanhood it has helped some of the worst situations. My mother read it when I was a kid and I have read it numerous times.


#10

Thank you. I will check it out.

God Bless :slight_smile:


closed #11

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