I went back into the catholic chatroom that night and I told the people in the room that I was going for IVF treatment.
A Chatter messaged me and broke my heart. He told me that I should not go for IVF that it was against the catechism of the church.
I thought.. How could this be ? .. my sister has twins by IVF. I did not know that IVF was not permitted.
I had 3 days to decide.
I said to God..why couldn't you have left me in ignorance?
why did you bring me back to the church to ask me to give up my chance of having a baby?
This felt like a sacrifice to me.. I compared it with the demand of God to Abraham to sacrifice his son.
This felt like a cold harsh church rule.
I wondered why I had never heard this preached at any sermon at any mass I had ever been at. I was in deep spiritual turmoil reading those words on the catechism and searching out there for any support for people like me .
Hearing this was wrong and asking me to make a decision on whether to go ahead or not kept bringing the suffering and crucified Jesus into my mind.
I chatted to people online . Some people said to me go ahead and confess it later. God will forgive you if you confess it. Others said go ahead, dont worry about it, dont confess it to anyone and they wont need to know any different.
I thought that would be like deliberately picking up a stick and hitting Jesus with it and I could not do that because I could see the suffering Jesus in my mind and so I went to my Husband and I said I did not want IVF. I was saying No to IVF, to the disbelieving medics and the scientists.
IVF or Nothing, they declared ....... my answer was "Nothing"
"Nothing " would be IMPOSSIBLE to God :)