Infertility and loss- still painful even after the grief should have passed


#1

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, and have been open to life that entire time. We have one child in heaven, who we lost in miscarriage. We have one former foster child here on earth with whom our hearts still belong and who we do see regularly as friends (she is 3 1/2.) We have done everything the Church permits and have stayed loyal to the Church’s teaching throughout. We are big champions of NaproTechnology though we were not able to conceive.

About two years ago we agreed that we had spent enough time and effort, and money and surgery and everything else on infertility and adoption processes. We are now again in the foster/adoption process again and hoping to adopt. (That too has not been an easy road for us)

Lately, the pain of childlessness just seems worse again. It is so hard to look at pregnant women and to know that I will never feel my child kick inside my womb. Last night a cousin called to announce her pregnancy and I now have 3 cousins expecting children this summer. Our former foster baby’s mom is also pregnant and although i believe she will be making an adoption plan she doesn’t want to choose us as parents because she thinks it will be too difficult to see the child on an ongoing basis. As excited as I am for them, I just weep for my own suffering and loss. I will be spending time with friends this weekend and all of them have 3+ children, mostly conceived the first or second month they tried.

I find myself sometimes wondering if I would have been better off to take my chances with illicit means of conception like in vitro to make this pain go away. I won’t do that. It is just hard to think that the one child I do have is in heaven, and the one child I thought I would have is destined to live a life I would not have chosen for her.

I’m rambling and not asking any questions. I just have always posted here when I have problems or questions. So i guess if nothing else, please keep me in your prayers that I will again find peace in God’s plan for me.


#2

[quote="Chovy, post:1, topic:184661"]
So i guess if nothing else, please keep me in your prayers that I will again find peace in God's plan for me.

[/quote]

Done, Honey. Done. :signofcross:


#3

Who's to say when grief is suppose to end especially when there is much to be sad about. Have you been allowed to actually grieve and to work through the process?

If I think about my Mom I will still tear up and she died long ago. Mothers Day is a difficult time for me and I still wish I could take her out for dinner and just sit and talk with her. She was such a fun and very caring person. :)

I will most definately be praying for you Chovy--that you find peace in God's plan for you.


#4

I feel you-- and there ssomething wrong with the title of your post. “even after the grief should be gone”.

The grief is never gone. We move forward, we live, we worship, we trust in God’s will. But I still grieve my babies. We have adopted a beautiful, wonderful blessing! She fills my life with such joy! But that doesnt mean I dont lament the loss of my other babies. It doesnt mean I dont still pray regularly that God blesses me with pregnancy that is sustainable!

Infertility is a difficult road to walk. Child loss, for me, has been even harder! They say God never gives us more than we can handle? Well sometimes I wish He’d stop trusting me with so much, haha!

let yourself feel what you feel, and when you’re feeling something yucky, turn to the Lord with it. I’m in the midst of some big fertility issues myself-- quite honestly I am feeling desperate to be pregnant lately, and trying evreything (licit) in my power to make it happen! In fact, I’ve exhausted my husbnad, lol! I pray daily that it happens for me and I know I need to take my own advice and turn things over to God and stop trying to control the process.

I can sympathize with so much of what you say! You are definately in my prayers friend, and I truly hope that you can move forwrad with adoption soon! Please PM me if you ahve any questions about the process. We had our daughter home with us exactly six months from when we started the process-- so dont be discouraged by long wait times! It’s true that most people wiat a long time, but thats not true for everyone, in every situation. God brings you all together in the right time.

Blessings–
kristy


#5

so sorry for all the pain you going thru . I understand your situation, we have been trying ttc for sometime , i find my self crying most of the time becoz i dont get along with my DH anymore, am putting my marriage in God’s hands coz i dont even kno what is going to happen to us. Know that you are not alone in this and sometimes its good to cry. Iusually feel better afterwards. will keep you in my prayers dear


#6

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I felt better last night and even better this morning after a good night of sleep.

I think it's a good point that grief continues and does not end. It just doesn't "seem" right to have tears come to my eyes or pain in my heart when a friend or loved one announces their pregnancy! When comparing it to the loss of my father though, it does make sense. I still grieve for him anew when I hear of someone dying in a similar fashion, or on the date of his death, or on his birthday- just as I grieve for the child I lost through miscarriage on those important dates.

I have found a happy balance in prayer for women experiencing difficult pregnancies, for premature babies, for babies and children struggling to live due to medical issues, and I think refocusing on those things and people instead of on myself does help.

I do have hope that this time our adoption journey will conclude with an actual child that will be ours forever. We do have some other stumbling blocks in the way (a house we need to sell out-of-state, underemployment issues for DH and currently I'm working day and night to compensate for the other two issues) but in God's time, these will pass.

Thanks again to all of you! :)


#7

:bighanky: I'm so sorry. :hug1: I don't have any great words advice other than I'm sure there's a special reward waiting for you in heaven for staying faithful to the Church's teachings when it is so hard to do so. Praying for you and your husband. :hug1:


#8

(((HUGS))) and prayers for you, Chovy…


#9

Look at scripture, at the heartbreaking laments of women who could not have children. Every Christian should understand how much this hurts and that it is a pain that is going to keep on. I pray for those with infertility every day. I hope all other Christians do as well.

I ask your prayers, to those to whom heavy crosses are given, greater grace is given!


#10

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.