Infertility and marriage relationship


#1

I feel that infertility puts a disagreement and strain on our marriage. We each think about it differently and instead of uniting aspect in the co-misery it separates us (I want to act but my husband wants to wait). We have been married for 6 years and at the age of 32 I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve and my husband might have some fertility problems too (he will have to do more tests). We already have other challenges in marriage- we married as Catholics and my husband turned away. He was diagnosed "nearly" bipolar and is taking medication. He is a "crazy" artist type and can be very impulsive and to me sometimes seems imature and not entirely commited (however he has a very good job- he teaches Italian at hight school).
We are not preventing having children but they are just not coming. My doctor obviously suggested IVF which none of us wants to do. My huband would like to adopt in the future but just not yet.
Our diagnoses is quite reccent so we should really go for a second opinion however my husband is not really keen on this and is pushing it to the future. Diminished ovarian reserve means that there are very few eggs in the ovaries left and that we don't have much time.
I am just confused- what is God's plan here? Should we try to get treatement as soon as possible or just wait or adopt???? I would like to have children so much and this uncertainty is just killing me and God seems to be quiet-I don;t hear his voice. The worst is that I want to do someting and my husband wants to wait. I feel like burying all my chances- by another 2 years I might be in menopause.
What to do? I don;t even dare to pray for a children because maybbe this is not Gods plan for us. This uncertainly about family life makes me anxious. When I get too tired of this challenging relationship I feel that it would be easiest to separate and find a more commited catholic/christian (2 catholic counsellors told me that I could for sure get annulment since I did not know that my husband was bipolar when we married).

This post has too many issued in it because I am jsut confused and anxious and I would like to be more connected with the Lord but I just don;t feel anything.

Thank you.


#2

I imagine you will recieve lots of notes telling you to go to counselling. That may be a good idea, because my first thought is that he wants to put it off because he doesn't want to deal with it. Maybe it is too much for him as a near bipolar person.

Another thing to do is to get spiritual advice from your pastor (I know something else, everyone is going to tell you! :)). He will give you things to prayerfully consider as to how to plan your future.

Other than that...
Hail Mary...

((hug))


#3

Have you considered adoption? Or fostering?


#4

I know your pain--I walked the same path about 10 years ago. If you just found out, allow yourself and your husband to grieve. It's very difficult news. I recommend a group called Resolve, which is a forum for infertile couples.

Would I consider waiting? Probably not, given your age. However, if you start treatments, you want to be in the best physical and emotional health you can be.

God bless you and your husband on this difficult journey. Please PM me if you need to talk or want some more references.


#5

Pray to God and im sure he will send you a child.

Ill be praying for you so that you may have children.


#6

[quote="ChrisRedfield47, post:5, topic:253766"]
Pray to God and im sure he will send you a child.

Ill be praying for you so that you may have children.

[/quote]

Please don't say "I'm sure he will send you a child". When you suffer from infertility, that is one of the worst things to say to the other person. It makes it sound like the person with infertility isn't praying hard enough or is praying incorrectly. It also makes the person feel that they feel out of favor with God or God likes other couples more that have big families when you haven't been able to have a child of your own.

OP, like someone already mentioned, I would seek out some counseling, and perhaps some spiritual direction. My husband and I suffer from secondary infertility, and like someone else mentioned grieving, for me at least I had to go through the seven steps of grief to get to where I am now.

You and your husband are in my prayers.


#7

I'm sorry for your suffering and I'll pray for you. I'll share my story because I think it might help. its always a good idea to get a 2nd option on medical diagnosis especially a life long one like bipolar. bipolar has a wide rang some people are hardly affect by it and some are disabled by it. My husband and I got married 7 years ago we had four children one after another right away now my husband in his late 20's has had a bipolar episode. bipolar is commin to show up in the late 20's. we would not have had children if we would have know. I know God doesn't make mistakes and we both love our children. I beg God everyday that my children don't get bipolar. I know most people will never understand. I fear one day my husband will be disabled by it. I will be the care giver to my husband and my children until the day I die. most people will not understand but for me this is a termendous cross to bare for the rest of my life, but God chose it for me to carry. its my path to heaven. and though it I have witnessed God's love for me and I love God so much. my suffering has made me closer to God. without this cross I would have never understood compassion and humility and the power of forgivness. the book "he Leadeth Me" by Fr. Walter Ciszek really helped me understand why I have so much suffering in my life and how its getting me to heaven. don't lose hope. "suffering in relation to God's redemptive plan for the universe and each individual soul, your attitude must change. you don't shun it when it comes upon you, but bear it in the measure of grace is given you." Fr. Walter Ciszek. most of my days are full of joy and I try not to worry and live today to its fullest.


#8

[quote="ChrisRedfield47, post:5, topic:253766"]
Pray to God and im sure he will send you a child.

Ill be praying for you so that you may have children.

[/quote]

Please don't post things like this. As someone suffering from secondary infertility that is unexplained, I can tell you that comments like this only serve to further hurt those who are infertile. I have had every thought under the sun about why we aren't blessed with at least one more child, including thoughts of "we must not be good enough parents to the one we have", not to mention having gone through a period of being outright angry with God.

To the OP...

Obviously, keep praying. This sounds like your diagnosis is fairly recent; you & your husband both need time to absorb it all. You mentioned that you aren't hearing God's voice with a clear directive - you may not for some time. I have been dealing with our infertility issues since 2004; and a few years back, around 2008, dh & I finally made our peace with things and where we stood. Fast forward from there to Feb/Mar. of this year; we thought I was pregnant - but I wasn't. All my old feelings resurfaced; I was miserable for about 2 months. During this time, dh & I talked about adoption; we were going to contact Catholic Charities early this summer to get the ball rolling.

Somewhere around the beginning of June, when we were planning to call, for some reason, I couldn't make the call. It felt as if there was literally a hand out on my chest holding me back from doing it. I took a few days to think, and pray, and the peace I had had before our incident earlier in the year came back over me.

So, you will (as most likely will your dh) find your peace, come to a decision, etc. Just know that a) it takes time, and b) you & your dh may need to come to that peace from different directions, and at different times.

I will be praying for you both.


#9

[quote="KZ2011, post:1, topic:253766"]
I I am just confused- what is God's plan here? Should we try to get treatement as soon as possible or just wait or adopt???? I would like to have children so much and this uncertainty is just killing me and God seems to be quiet-I don;t hear his voice. The worst is that I want to do someting and my husband wants to wait. I feel like burying all my chances- by another 2 years I might be in menopause.
What to do? I don;t even dare to pray for a children because maybbe this is not Gods plan for us. This uncertainly about family life makes me anxious. quote]

God's plan for today is that you cope with the duties of your state in life including those posed by your husband's condition at present. If he wants you to have children he will find a way although it may not be how and when you expect, or would have asked for.

I like the gospel advice of let today take care of today. Certainly you can do all you can regarding your own part of the equation up to whatever is moral, and you seem to have a good sense of that--get second opinions, look at underlying issues, hormonal balance etc. So by all means pray asking God for what you want, and at the same time, to know and do his will.

Yes it may be sadly, that a child coming into the family at this time, if your husband is not ready, may not be the best thing. It may be that God does have another plan. But that does not stop you praying.

Your husband probably gets at least periodic medical care, so you can encourage him to make further testing etc. part of that routine, without putting pressure on him. It may be he is not ready for bad news, afraid it will confirm that he is "inadequate" in some way. Men can be as emotional about these things as we can. Pray for him daily. your answers will come so pray for a disposition to accept the answer when it does. We join you in prayer of course, especially those of us who have shared these struggles.

[/quote]


#10

I wanted to thank everybody for you profound thoughts and comments. Truly many of them are really helpful. It's been about 1.5 years for us to try to conceive and recently going to doctors....the difficult part is that according to the doctor's tests I might be entering menopause already. My doctor wanted to proceed with IVF but none of us want that. Medical advice that we should start treatments ASAP makes my husband extremely nervous because he is not ready and he is afraid of another big bipolar episode. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact the best and most loving thing for my marriage right now is waiting (even that probably means burying all my chances of having my own child). I was angry with God. I asked Him why he sends me bipolar husband (he was diagnosed with bipolar several times but I just thought he had severe anxiety as also diagnosed several times) and then also refuses to give me children. It seemed too much misery in one year (i only really started believing in my husband bipolarism after a severe episode in 2011).

Recently I talked to a young person in my lab who was very devoted christian and he suggested that maybe God is trying to get my attention. Doesn't it seem to you that what we are most afraid of often happens? Like in the book of Job: "What I was most afraid of has happened to me." maybe god is trying to talk to us in a way that he interferes with our dreams so that we turn our attention to him and ask him what it is he wants us to do.

Maybe God wants my husband and me to adopt - we both like this possibility (even though this is very theoretical at the moment and even now I am a bit afraid of it. I never had children - will I be able to take care of a child who is not my own and might come with previous hurts, fears, abuses and other challenges-especially on top of my bipolar husband cross?)

My father is an evangelican lutheran in Czech Republic (he is not devoted at all). they don;t believe in Mary but he had a vision where mary told him that both my brother and me will have children eventually (my brother's wife is 40 and they also don't have children- you can imagine how much my parents want grandchildren and are not getting them from either of their children). When I feel really bad I always try to remember my fathers vision. I am trying to lay my troubles and huge anxiety on God himself instead of frantically trying to figure things out myself (which I was doing so far). I feel that from the world's perspective this is very foolish and I would probably take a very different approach if my husband was on the same boat and he agreed with treatments. It is difficult to trust that God will do a miracle in my life (even adoption is a miracle because my husband could become very anxious about it as it is financially and emotionally very difficult). Please pray for us and pray for my faith. I deeply appreciate your prayers.


#11

[quote="KZ2011, post:10, topic:253766"]
I wanted to thank everybody for you profound thoughts and comments. Truly many of them are really helpful. It's been about 1.5 years for us to try to conceive and recently going to doctors....the difficult part is that according to the doctor's tests I might be entering menopause already. My doctor wanted to proceed with IVF but none of us want that. Medical advice that we should start treatments ASAP makes my husband extremely nervous because he is not ready and he is afraid of another big bipolar episode. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact the best and most loving thing for my marriage right now is waiting (even that probably means burying all my chances of having my own child). I was angry with God. I asked Him why he sends me bipolar husband (he was diagnosed with bipolar several times but I just thought he had severe anxiety as also diagnosed several times) and then also refuses to give me children. It seemed too much misery in one year (i only really started believing in my husband bipolarism after a severe episode in 2011).

Recently I talked to a young person in my lab who was very devoted christian and he suggested that maybe God is trying to get my attention. Doesn't it seem to you that what we are most afraid of often happens? Like in the book of Job: "What I was most afraid of has happened to me." maybe god is trying to talk to us in a way that he interferes with our dreams so that we turn our attention to him and ask him what it is he wants us to do.

Maybe God wants my husband and me to adopt - we both like this possibility (even though this is very theoretical at the moment and even now I am a bit afraid of it. I never had children - will I be able to take care of a child who is not my own and might come with previous hurts, fears, abuses and other challenges-especially on top of my bipolar husband cross?)

My father is an evangelican lutheran in Czech Republic (he is not devoted at all). they don;t believe in Mary but he had a vision where mary told him that both my brother and me will have children eventually (my brother's wife is 40 and they also don't have children- you can imagine how much my parents want grandchildren and are not getting them from either of their children). When I feel really bad I always try to remember my fathers vision. I am trying to lay my troubles and huge anxiety on God himself instead of frantically trying to figure things out myself (which I was doing so far). I feel that from the world's perspective this is very foolish and I would probably take a very different approach if my husband was on the same boat and he agreed with treatments. It is difficult to trust that God will do a miracle in my life (even adoption is a miracle because my husband could become very anxious about it as it is financially and emotionally very difficult). Please pray for us and pray for my faith. I deeply appreciate your prayers.

[/quote]

you will be in my prayers. Like I said above my husband has bipolar and he is Czech too. its very hereditary. several of his relatives have commited suicide because of bipolar. his family has it bad but keep in mind that most can live happy normal lives never be suicidal. like I said there is a wide rang. what helps me the most is offering up my holy communion, offer up daily mass, offer up daily suffereings and going to holy adoration. God has given me secveral miracles.


#12

Infertility is a difficult and very personal struggle and I wish you the best as you work through this issue in your marriage.

I went through this as well - about 5 years of infertility treatment (never did IVF), 6 miscarriages and more. I had trouble getting pregnant due to endometriosis, and trouble staying pregnancy due to scarring from injuries and surgical repairs after a violent incident I went through as a younger woman. It was heartbreaking, and I felt like - and still at times feel like - God had forsaken me. I felt that everything that happened to me, I had earned. I am still struggling and getting counseling as well as returning to the church, which I had left in hurt and anger years ago.

I also struggled with an unsupportive husband and only years later do I see how much the problems in the relationship hurt me. Mine had OCD and other issues - also had a good job but could not function in our relationship. I would recommend that you learn more about your husband's mental illness, and explore the possibility that he's affraid of having a child. He may be affraid he cannot be a good father given his disorder, or that it will be too much responsibility for him to manage. He also may be affraid of passing along the illlness.

If adoption interests you - I am the proud adoptive parent of a really great kid - don't let media hype scare you off. You have a lot of choice in adoption and do not have to get into an untenable situation. Research agencies in your area, go to their orientations, ask around about them and so on so you have a realistic idea of what would be involved. Keep in mind the most difficult and sensational adoption stories are the ones you likely hear.

And don't turn away from your faith, like I did. It can be hard because so much about Catholic teaching to adult women approaches us as mothers, and marriage is designed to be directed toward children as well. I found these aspects of the faith - and still do at times - to be very hard, and they make me feel like I can never be a full Catholic woman because I don't fit the mold. I'm realizing though, that is in my head and all the promises of God are still available to me, just not in the way I expected.


#13

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