i have to seek advice, comfort, comments and messages of anger and hate from those who will read through. but please, i hope i can get good advices so that l can view life differently.
Married to a Catholic, a member of the church choir, for 10 years. In our 2nd year of marriage, got an STD. didn’t bother to ask husband, how this happened. 4 years into our marriage and pregnant with our 2nd child, he spent his nights in a separate room surfing the internet. A month after our 2nd baby was born, i caught him chatting with a girl in the internet. Confronted him but didn’t get a remorseful response. One instance, when he was sleeping after a drink, i asked him about his cellphone. He laid a hand on me and boxed me for at least 3 times. Relationship got strained after then. We were not able to really sit down but just let it pass. Though he promised he won’t do it again. I even paid a hefty sum for the phone bills he made.
just a little more than a month, i caught him texting with another girl with “i love yous”, a married woman. i have talked to this lady and she told me that someday i will understand why did this happen. husband did not really ask for a sincere apology. asked him why and what prompted him to do that, he just said “it’s the same old thing- i do not have a say in everything”
for the past 4 years, he denies me of marital embrace. we rarely make love, the most would be twice a month and most of the time, i initiated the act. he would spend most of his nights in his computer and even says that i should better go to sleep and not “disturb” him. can’t help it but the situation has really affected my self-esteem. There are a lot of times that he just says he is too tired. we are too old to have intimacy.(OLD at 35? Come on!) even holding his hand has become very seldom.
Come this male co-worker, somebody whom i can talk to and who listens. weak as i am, though been praying a lot, fell into the temptation of having a affair with him. i diverted my emotional attention to him feeling that anyway, my husband doesn’t listen to me, shouts at me, doesn’t make me feel loved. my husband learned that i am entertaining another man.
And,the final blow, i recently discovered that he has a collection of more than a hundred video CD’s, all of pornographic materials. at this time, he still doesnt know that i knew about his collection. i did not have any hint or clue about this.
A month has passed and we really do not talk at all. as if we do not exist, though we sleep in the same room with the kids.
really don’t know how to save our marriage, even not sure if it is worth saving. am afraid to take the risk of being hurt again. The bad memories keep coming back. But all this time that these are happening, we do not miss our Sunday masses. He just doesn’t give me the “peace be with you” during the mass. it hurts. having failed in communicating with him.