Infidelity, Unforgiving heart, pornography


#1

i have to seek advice, comfort, comments and messages of anger and hate from those who will read through. but please, i hope i can get good advices so that l can view life differently.

Married to a Catholic, a member of the church choir, for 10 years. In our 2nd year of marriage, got an STD. didn’t bother to ask husband, how this happened. 4 years into our marriage and pregnant with our 2nd child, he spent his nights in a separate room surfing the internet. A month after our 2nd baby was born, i caught him chatting with a girl in the internet. Confronted him but didn’t get a remorseful response. One instance, when he was sleeping after a drink, i asked him about his cellphone. He laid a hand on me and boxed me for at least 3 times. Relationship got strained after then. We were not able to really sit down but just let it pass. Though he promised he won’t do it again. I even paid a hefty sum for the phone bills he made.

just a little more than a month, i caught him texting with another girl with “i love yous”, a married woman. i have talked to this lady and she told me that someday i will understand why did this happen. husband did not really ask for a sincere apology. asked him why and what prompted him to do that, he just said “it’s the same old thing- i do not have a say in everything”

for the past 4 years, he denies me of marital embrace. we rarely make love, the most would be twice a month and most of the time, i initiated the act. he would spend most of his nights in his computer and even says that i should better go to sleep and not “disturb” him. can’t help it but the situation has really affected my self-esteem. There are a lot of times that he just says he is too tired. we are too old to have intimacy.(OLD at 35? Come on!) even holding his hand has become very seldom.

Come this male co-worker, somebody whom i can talk to and who listens. weak as i am, though been praying a lot, fell into the temptation of having a affair with him. i diverted my emotional attention to him feeling that anyway, my husband doesn’t listen to me, shouts at me, doesn’t make me feel loved. my husband learned that i am entertaining another man.

And,the final blow, i recently discovered that he has a collection of more than a hundred video CD’s, all of pornographic materials. at this time, he still doesnt know that i knew about his collection. i did not have any hint or clue about this.

A month has passed and we really do not talk at all. as if we do not exist, though we sleep in the same room with the kids.

really don’t know how to save our marriage, even not sure if it is worth saving. am afraid to take the risk of being hurt again. The bad memories keep coming back. But all this time that these are happening, we do not miss our Sunday masses. He just doesn’t give me the “peace be with you” during the mass. it hurts. having failed in communicating with him.


#2

First, weclome to CAF. Second, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I will make my advice short and sweet. You have two options here.

1 If you want to save this marriage you BOTH have to get to counseling RIGHT NOW. Coupled with that, talk with a priest and get signed up for Retrouvaille as soon as possible.

2 Time to seperate. This will be for both of you to decide if this is a trial seperation or a permanent one.

This decision needs to be made as soon as possible. Sent a deadline and make the decision. Why? THE KIDS! You have to care for your kids first and foremost. They are what is important now and they HAVE TO BE your focus.


#3

*Gosh, I'm so sorry you are being treated so horribly...:( So, your husband hit you? Three times? Without counseling, and a remorseful and repentant husband, I don't see how this marriage will ever get on track. Your husband NEEDS to be sorry and willing to change for any hope of having it work. Personally, I would never stay with a man who hits me...I have told my daughter...one time a man hits you, you leave. But, this is me. I can't speak for you.

You can't save your marriage, alone. He has to be willing to change. I will hold you in my prayers. Please protect yourself...and your children. *


#4

You have two very thoughtful and insightful posts above… can’t add much more.
You and your family will be in my prayers. :frowning:


#5

I am not a big fan of separation as a method of reconciliation, but you need to be sure you, and your children, are safe. This sounds like separation is the only way, hitting is not acceptable. That is not to say reconciliation is not possible, anything is possible with God. You need to see a priest together, you need marriage counseling together, and you could both probably benefit from individual counseling. Your husband, from your description, is addicted to porn and has possibly graduated into sexual addiction. I have been there and done that, and am still doing it. Get help, for you and for him. Sexaholics Annonymous is an excelent start, along with the spouses equivalent. I will be praying for you.


#6

The hitting happened 5 years ago and didn't happen again. if it ever do happen again, i told myself that it is really time to separate. I have made a decision to give ourselves another try but i am also aware that i cannot do this alone.

i searched the website of retrouvaille after reading the reply of Mirror Mirror. Good thing, there is one near our place. I am convinced that this is , i think, what we need first. Communication. Up to this day since my last post, we have not really talked. it's like, he is there, i am here, kids are present, kids see everything is okay because we act normally in front of them.

Tried to start a conversation with him but he really avoids me, so i e-mailed him yesterday. Texted him to check his email. Felt some relief after I sent the message 'coz I really want to give our marriage another chance. But until now, haven't got any reply from him. last night, i asked him if he opened his mail but my question fell on deaf ears. I hope he reads and rereads my email, inviting him that we join Retrouvaille next month and that he will finally agree.. I wonder if God will speedily answer my prayer that we go to Retrouvaille :-)


#7

[quote="ConfusedAsEver, post:6, topic:183803"]
The hitting happened 5 years ago and didn't happen again. if it ever do happen again, i told myself that it is really time to separate. I have made a decision to give ourselves another try but i am also aware that i cannot do this alone.

i searched the website of retrouvaille after reading the reply of Mirror Mirror. Good thing, there is one near our place. I am convinced that this is , i think, what we need first. Communication. Up to this day since my last post, we have not really talked. it's like, he is there, i am here, kids are present, kids see everything is okay because we act normally in front of them.

Tried to start a conversation with him but he really avoids me, so i e-mailed him yesterday. Texted him to check his email. Felt some relief after I sent the message 'coz I really want to give our marriage another chance. But until now, haven't got any reply from him. last night, i asked him if he opened his mail but my question fell on deaf ears. I hope he reads and rereads my email, inviting him that we join Retrouvaille next month and that he will finally agree.. I wonder if God will speedily answer my prayer that we go to Retrouvaille :-)

[/quote]

The gospel for today is Mark 4:1-20, take some time to read this. It is a familiar parable about the Sower. Focus on how you have become the sower and you just did your job which was to plant the seeds. You cannot determine which ground they land on, your call was to toss them out, as the sower did in the parable, and not pray that they land on fertile ground.


#8

Pop culture media will continue it’s assault on marriage by continuing to attempt to seduce men away from loving their wives by parading scantilly-clad hotties to the masses. Loveless wonderlust steals men’s attention away from true love of the heart. And pop culture media is only getting racier and trashier. Women are competing to be trashier than the next in the name of fashion. These kids shows involve 14 year olds displaying cleavage for crying out loud! How trashy! They’re promoting more sex than true, romantic love. How can love survive in such a graceless age? Women make much of the financial decisions in a home. You need to organize amongst yourselves to form a boycott against this sleaze and trash. Please consider joining onemillionmoms.com. I’m ready to get rid of my cable TV. We need to take action against the media for masturbating us men into the wrong direction with this trash. Take away their financial incentive, and you can save marriages and heartbreak all over the world. True romantic sacrificial love needs to make a comeback.

We Men (and many women) need to realize that the wonderlust of infatuation does not equal true love. Our attention-deficit disorder society was created by the speed of modern life in an instant gratification world. Wonderlust is quicker and shallower, but wears off quickly. True love is deep. If Liz Taylor was more mindful of the difference, maybe she would not have been married 8 times. We need to be mindful of the difference and long for the true, romantic love and reject the shallowness, even if it means distancing ourselves from pop culture media.

Personally, I’ve found that it’s too hard to “ride the fence” in this culture. Pop culture is driving a giant wedge which is pushing us to choose between the selfish feelgood-ism of love-less sex, drugs, gambling, etc. VERSUS giving humble sacrificial true love for our spouses, kids, jobs, friends, etc., where we give 95% of our waking hours in service to everyone else, and deeply and lustfully appreciate the last 5% we get for ourselves. “Knowing how to live” is easy in this scenario. “Service to others” is the challenge, duty, and obligation, “The Climb.” Satisfaction is the reward.

Help your men (and women) to see this, and you’ll look forward to the 5% you get for yourself, and feel your heart sing as you are closer to God while giving the 95%. :heart:


#9

Hard not to agree with ManOnFire.

I am sorry to hear of this, ConfusedAsEver. I'm helping counsel a friend of mine who is in a similar situation, but is much nearer to divorce (as she's not Catholic, annulling the marriage isn't of course possible). I feel for anyone who is caught in a loveless union like this :(

You've been given great advice already. First, try for counseling; save the marriage if it can be saved. Second, see if a trial separation is possible; I'm not big on separations but if you can manage one and your kids will be safe, it's an option. Third, if the separation does not help, I'm afraid you'll be forced into an annulment, but it's better that than a loveless marriage wherein you will be abused.

God bless you and pray for His will in all of this! The more of this you give over to the Lord, the more He will be able to help and guide you.


#10

Still haven't got a positive response from my husband of us going to Retrouvaille. Hopes are down for me 'coz when i asked him through text yesterday morning and again personally last night, he ignored my query. and just this morning, i somehow knew that he still is into porn movies. maybe, he is clouded by the satisfaction he gets from these trash and cannot think sanely that our marriage is at stake.


#11

Start with YOU.

Call your priest in the morning and make an appointment for counseling for you, alone, by yourself.

If Retrouvaille happens, great, but do not put off counseling while waiting on Mr Wonderful to decide to join in.


#12

[quote="kage_ar, post:11, topic:183803"]
Start with YOU.

Call your priest in the morning and make an appointment for counseling for you, alone, by yourself.

If Retrouvaille happens, great, but do not put off counseling while waiting on Mr Wonderful to decide to join in.

[/quote]

Good advice.


#13

I have to ask you----did you tell the man you had the affair with that your husband gave you an STD BEFORE you slept with him?

And you still consider staying with him after giving you a STD and hitting you and treating you like thin air?

And you are upset that your husband denies you of the marital embrace? Are you serious? You would want to still lay with this creep after all this? You should be spending time bleaching your body. He is actually doing you a favor by not sleeping with you.

I have a good friend who is a gynocologist and she said it is amazing how many wives don’t know their husbands have been cheating on them UNTIL the wife comes in for an exam and a STD is found.

You would really consider staying with him after all that you wrote? Are you able to support yourself or is this why you stay with him and accept whatever bone he throws your way.


#14

will have to address horselvr’s queries…

STD happened 8 years ago. it was treated with just one shot of antibiotic and had yearly gynological exam and everything is clear.

husband is close to our kids, 3 of them. he is good to his family and friends. he appears to be very decent and well-mannered and courteous. having known him since we were kids is definitely not an assurance that you know this person fully well. we dated for 8 years before we got married but still, this long years of investing in a relationship is not a guarantee.

Well, i can say that i can support the kids and myself, in fact, it seems that it has been the situation. he may feel insecure because i earn more than him. but the reality that we made a vow before the Church is what’s keeping me from giving up.


#15

“the reality that we made a vow before the Church is what’s keeping me from giving up.”

Oh now it’s all clear to me. So that’s why you are still with him.

But taking that vow in the Church didn’t stop you from having an affair?

So back to square one—what’s the real reason you are still with him since you also are capable of supporting yoursef and the kids?

“husband is close to our kids, 3 of them. he is good to his family and friends.”

Really? He doesn’t sound “good to his family” from the sounds of the first post:

  1. He gives his WIFE an STD.
  2. He cheats on her.
  3. He hit her.
  4. She cheated on him.
  5. He has a collection of more than 100 porno movies.
    And finally:
  6. "A month has passed and we really do not talk at all. as if we do not exist, though we
    sleep in the same room with the kids.

Maybe I have missed the part where he is actually good to his family. :shrug:


#16

It's not a matter of you "giving up." It's a matter of protecting yourself and your children from a horrible human being. He cares nothing for you emotionally or physically given that he's cheated on you, endangered your health sexually and struck you.

Yes, you made a vow to God. No, I can't say with certainty that you'd get an annulment (though it's very, very likely given this history) but you know what? That doesn't matter. You have to protect yourself emotionally and physically and protect your kids. While he may not have struck them yet, he is clearly a horrible example to them and it's likely that whatever is destroying him will only eat further away at him and lead to terrible consequences for your kids.

Get. Out.

Go somewhere else and then tell him, from a safe distance, that he needs to get help for himself. If he does, great, maybe in a year or two you can reconcile. And if he doesn't... well I'd be drawing up divorce papers now so you can have them in hand and go to the tribunal if he hasn't gotten help in the next year or so.


#17

Oh and yeah, I'm usually the harsh one around here. I know that and you should too. And frankly, I think that while you can forgive someone for infidelity, that relationship can never be the same ever again.

But your situation is far beyond that since it involves physical abuse. I say it again, get out.


#18

I highly highly recommend: thealexanderhouse.org/
Can't think of anything other than God and your own WILLS that can salvage this. Please contact the Alexander House. They have an AMAZING ministry for broken, healing and successful marriages.


#19

Something bad happened last night.

Tried to talk to him last night but he evaded. Sat near him while he was watching a movie in the computer and told him to please listen. Instead he told me,he doesn't want to talk to me. I said, I just wanted to know your response about the email i sent (about us attending retrouvaille). still he didn't give an answer. I said, i have to know if it is a "yes" or a "no". He retorted that why is it that i am the one who is really pushing this and have the guts to ask while I am the one at fault.

Can't control myself then I blurted out that if we keep on acting this way, better for you to go home to your parents. he was agitated andtold me in my face that if he had to leave, he will bring our 3 kids along. He said that he will fight for their custody because he has grounds (pertaining to my infidelity). I left the room and told him to ask himself why is this all happening.

haven't gone to a priest yet. maybe later in the day.


#20

[quote="ConfusedAsEver, post:19, topic:183803"]
Something bad happened last night.

Tried to talk to him last night but he evaded. Sat near him while he was watching a movie in the computer and told him to please listen. Instead he told me,he doesn't want to talk to me. I said, I just wanted to know your response about the email i sent (about us attending retrouvaille). still he didn't give an answer. I said, i have to know if it is a "yes" or a "no". He retorted that why is it that i am the one who is really pushing this and have the guts to ask while I am the one at fault.

Can't control myself then I blurted out that if we keep on acting this way, better for you to go home to your parents. he was agitated andtold me in my face that if he had to leave, he will bring our 3 kids along. He said that he will fight for their custody because he has grounds (pertaining to my infidelity). I left the room and told him to ask himself why is this all happening.

haven't gone to a priest yet. maybe later in the day.

[/quote]

Sweetie, this man is absolutely and utterly abusive. He fits the profile to a T. He is trying to intimidate you in to staying with him, and all you need to do is bring up to a judge that he has been hitting you, cheating on you, and has a porn collection. He will not get custody. Yes, you were unfaithful, but that's not enough to outweigh spousal verbal and physical abuse. (I do trust you have been to the confessional about the infidelity though, that's pretty serious too.)

Get out. Others have said it, I am repeating it. Don't live with this man while you are getting treated. Get. Out. Now. Only agree to reconciliation if he goes through treatment with you and shows serious improvement. If you are worried about the kids, think about this. Little boys learn how to treat women from their Daddies. Is HE what you want your boys to turn into? Little girls get their ideas of how a man is supposed to treat them from watching how a husband treats his wife. Is that what you want them to look for in a man? Get them away from him, and yourself. No one deserves to be treated like that.


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