Infidelity


#1

Last week I found out my husband had cheated on me between late September through late December. It ended becuase she called it off, although he says he was going to end it anyways. I gave birth to our 4th child in early October. I never even entertained the idea that something like this would happen to me. I am a 100% devoted wife and mother and my husband seemed content, with normal issues. Life was going on as always, although he slowly distanced himself the last year. My husband and I had problems that any couple would have given the fact they have small children and are exhausted. Financial burdens have taken a stress toll. But I never thought it would come to this. I have been in a state of shock, and am now being eaten up by the details of what went on in this relationship. I am wondering if I should be dwelling on those details. They’re eattign away at me. I know a marriage is worth saving. This has been so difficult on me and I was looking for support from a Catholic point of view. I know most people would hear of this situation and immediately tell me to leave my husband. He is remorseful…in other ways he says he still needs to work all of this out still. He says he wants to stay together and wants his family. After all of the lies and deception, I am doubting things and feeling very insecure about the future. I feel like it’s the devil eatting me up. It’s the most devastating situation of my life, I am not underestimating that. How does one move on and work towards rebuilding a marriage after this kind of devastation? Is it possible to get to a good point again? My husband seems like a mess right now. He is depressed, down, etc. I am not any better. We have small chidren and a 5 month old baby. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and actually rebuilt their marriage? Any positive feedback? I need a positive outlook here, I realize, but I am struggling. Prayers would be so appreciated.


#2

Positive feedback? I’m not good at preaching (at least with it having any sense), but I’ve heard of/from people recovering from that and being happy. That includes people who later got involved with the church, also got out of drug addictions etc. I’ve known a guy who both cheated and was cheated and did I mention drugs? He’s people’s confirmation sponsor and “preparer” now. His wife has also gone through a similar change.

As for dwelling on the details of their relationship, I don’t think it’s going to bring you any good. In fact, I think it’s best left alone. I don’t think you’d like to know certain details even if your husband were a widower in a perfectly legitimate marriage before you, let alone if we’re talking about an extramarital relationship. It wouldn’t be good to contact that woman, either. You may want to ask your husband to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases (including AIDS) or have someone suggest that to him and make sure he follows the advice. On second thought, it may be better to have someone else do it if possible (if someone else knows of it). You may want to ask about his problems in your marriage so that you can work them out. But I don’t think you need to know what pushed him towards that woman, what he saw in her, what went on and all. I don’t think I would ever want to know those things if I got cheated.

I’ll pray for you. God bless you and your husband.

You have my sympathies, too. :slight_smile:


#3

Welcome to the forum and I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I do not know what it feels like, but will offer you prayers for your marriage to start healing.

If I can suggest two websites that may help. One is Catholic ran by Steve Wood and called Family Life Center. They help one Catholic family at a time and I believe you can call them for advice as well or email them. This is the website and the section on healing a hurting marriage: familylifecenter.net/article.asp?artID=300
My husband has many of the dad CD’s they offer and some marriage one and they are good. It has changed him so much that I can’t believe it.

The other site is non denomination and called Family Life.
There website for their marriage conferences is: familylife.com/conferences/find_conference.asp?DCMP=BAC-WTR+Spring06+Static+RT&ATT=ImageRT
My dh and I went on this conference and it is very not Catholic and do promote birth control and other protestant things, but if you are strong in your Catholic Faith the program is great and it will not affect you. In this conference, they did address extramarital affairs and in fact those affected by it were asked to see one of the counselors on staff there. The only thing they mentioned was that this was something that required forgiveness and it was not going to come easy for the trust is broken. They asked all involved to see a counselor in private. You do have children and this weekend to Remember, as they call it, does require you to stay at a hotel on a weekend. If you have family great, but if you don’t it will be difficult to get away.

I would try the Catholic one first and give them a try and I believe you can even talk to one of their counselors to see what they recommend for you. I agree with the above suggestions that thinking about this woman and what went on is not good for you. I will have to admit though that I would probably be doing the same, so try real hard not to think about it. Forgiveness and trust are two things you will have to work on in your marriage. No one should have to go through this, but in this Catholic site it does talk how having children are stressors in a marriage. See what they have to say about that. You mentioned finances and they address that also.

I will pray for you and your husband and yes, I believe with prayer, work and faith, you and your husband can have a great marriage. Retrovaille may be another option for you also. You can fine them on the web too.


#4

if it is possible, go for Retrouvaille… it is an awesome experience… or so I have heard…

I came to know about it very late but you seem to be a very sensible person as you know and realise that a marriage is worth saving…

also read marriagebuilders.com… it has a chapter on infidelity… hope it helps you my dear…

Pray to Mother Mary… I have found her to be great source of comfort… :slight_smile:


#5

First of all please you do not need to know the details of the affair. It is over with and done with and he wants to work things out with you that is the most important thing.

It will destroy you if you are going to dig and find out more about the relationship. Your husband is obvisiously sorry for what he did and will do everthing that needs to be done to save your marriage. Retrouvaille is a good start.

There are lots of people on this forum have been or are going through the same thing that you are going through right now. So it is a comfort to know that you will get all different kinds of inputs from people but most of all you are not alone.

But not everybodies situations are the same. Take me for example I am not with my husband today because I found out he cheated on me with a younger women. But that was not the only reason there were other reasons. But most of all he was not sorry for what he did and did not try and make things right.

Your husband is really sorry for what he did and wants to work things out. I know it hurts to think that he cheated on you but whatever the reasons are it happened and it cannot be undone. There is no point in dig it up to find out why. And don’t you ever blame yourself or think that you did something wrong. That is what we do we blame ourselves.

Just prepare yourself for a bumpy road ahead. There will be good days and there will be really bad days. But you need to be strong not only for your sake but also for the kids sake. And do not let this get you down. I know that it is easier said than done but hang in there.

Just have faith and believe and just leave everything in Gods hands. And pray don’t give up if this marriage is worth fighting for then do so. Ask God for guidance because he will never forsaken you.

Take care and hang in there.


#6

I appreciate all the responses. I have my kids to take care of right now, so this will be brief. I will write more later. i wanted to let you all know that i take a lot of comfort in the well thought out replies. I will look into the website and program recs. I realize crystal clear now that I need to let go of those details that are taking over my being. And I know for sure that my marriage is worth working on and saving. Please continue to pray for us. As one of you mentioned, I have a bumpy road ahead. Thank you, I’ll keep you all in my prayers as well.


#7

In addition to Retrouvaille, I would also recommend the book “His Needs, Her Needs” and reading it together. Also Greg Popcak’s book For Better… Forever.

It will be a long road back re-establishing trust and intimacy, but if you are both committed to it then I’m sure through prayer and hard work you can do it.


#8

First of all I am praying for you both. This is a very difficult time and I know you will be having a lot of unfortunately unanswered questions for some time. On top of all this you have a newborn and I bet getting very little sleep and all that comes with 4 little munchkins and 3 running around. One of the most powerful and rewarding prayers I have encountered is the Divine Mercy Chaplet and Novena. It is extrememly powerful and the amount of Mercy bestowed is rejuvenating (spelling?), if you don’t know the novena or chaplet you can always go to www.thedivinemercy.com. Another site worth looking into is www.troubledwith.com , it is aprotestant site but so worth it! There is a section on affairs and even a link to a couple who has recommitted their marriage after going through this and are motivational speakers now on the matter. God bless you and your family. I will be praying for you.


#9

Has your husband been to confession to confess this? Going to confession will not only help him, but it will help you too. Just think, if God can forgive him, you can too.

When you feel upset about this (and probably you feel this way all the time), try this prayer: “Jesus, I trust in You to give me Your Peace!” You can also change the ending to whatever it is you need, for instance: “Jesus, I trust in You to help me forgive my husband.” Or, “Jesus, I trust in You to heal our marriage.”


#10

My husband was not raised in a strong Catholic family. He has always struggled with it, but before we were married agreeed to raise children Catholic. The past year he has defintely moved away from it and stopped going to church with us. He says he doesn’t agree with everything about the Catholic church. The conversations are exhausting on top of everything else, but I know we will be talking about it more in the future…we must. Just yesterday though he did say he would go to confession over this. And he said if we switched parishes, he would start going to church again…I am hopeful. Keep him in your prayers. If he doens’t feel immediately inspired, he loses interest…fast.


#11

First of all, welcome to the forum, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. I’ve been there, it’s so difficult. Like a previous poster, I didn’t stay in the marriage, because he was not remorseful and was not very willing to change. But I realize now that there were still things I could have done to save the marriage.

I agree that him going to confession is very important for both of you. Another important thing is for you to be praying TOGETHER. Your private prayer is important, too, but you would be amazed at the closeness that can develop between a couple who prays together.

It is actually pretty common for a spouse who is unfaithful to fall away from the church … guilt maybe? If he is willing to go if you switch parishes, by all means, do it. If it takes a few switches, be patient.

You do indeed have a bumpy road ahead, and you and your family will be in my prayers. Please say the Rosary frequently. It can be of immense comfort in difficult times for you. :slight_smile:

May the Lord grant you strength, love, compassion and patience through this trying time.

Trish


#12

I would say there is hope for your marriage if your husband is sorry about the affair and wants to try to make things work. If it’s only the first time he has done this, then you can both have a good chance to rebuild your marriage. Marriagebuilders.com has some very good insights on infidelity and fixing a marriage. I would also recommend counselling with someone who shares your set of values. Good luck, I know how devastating it can be.


#13

www.marriagebuilders.com His Needs, Her Needs and also the 5 Love Busters are good books.


#14

thank you, I will read them.


#15

I thank everyone for all of the insightful comments. It hasn’t even been 2 weeks since I learned of this so I am still in shock. I know that hounding my husband about this is not helpful, but I’ve been so angry about it that I think I have. He has pretty much taken it. I am trying to step away from all of these conversations until we go to marriage counseling, which he has agreed to. He also agreed to Retrovaille. Both will be hard to do becuase they require a large time committment and we have the kids and a 4 month old breastfeeding baby. I am praying that babysitting comes through for these things. I am prepared to switch parishes so that my husband will start going to church again (as I mentioned before–he said he would start going if we switched parishes. I think he knows that our pastor is aware of the situation and is embarrased). Please pray that he gets struck by the Holy Spirit rather quickly. He gets turned off by Mass right away if it doesn’t inspire him.

For anyone who has been through this—the pain! It is so intense I can’t imagine ever feeling over it. Is it always part of your life? The betrayal is unreal.
Ney1


#16

And Thank You So Much For Your Prayers! Please Continue To Pray For My Family And My Husbands Conversion.


#17

Meditating on Peter’s betrayal of Jesus might help you.


#18

yes my dear the pain is very intense as the betrayal is from the one to whom you give your everything…

however, if you concentrate on Jesus and the Holy Spirit and not on your husband it will get better with time…

also, think about ur children everytime you are driven to think of something rash!!

God bless and will be praying for you…


#19

Thank you Catholic Sam & Mariam 1976. Those are good suggestions. I will try these. It’s the first day of Lent and I need this focus. Thank you for the prayers.


#20

Hi Ney, I think everyone has given such good advice. I just saw this thread, it’s so heart breaking and I do feel your pain. I can tell you that this kind of emotional pain does go away, time is about the only thing that heals and of course along with prayer. You might want to think about getting away to your parish durning the day or eveing when it’s really quiet there and spend time with Christ. Even if you can do this for 30mins, it helps a great deal. I can tell you from experience spending alone time with our Lord can be very powerful. Also praying the rosary if you can find a the time. This helped me so much!

I want you to know you have my prayers, I will remember you when I prayer the rosary this eveing and at Mass this next Sunday.

God will get your husband and you out of this dark time :slight_smile: Put your pains at the feet of Christ my friend.


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