I do not know exactly what it is about me that causes this, but whenever I know I should pray (like when I am in a state of temptation, or when I first sit down at church before Mass) it is hard for me to actually do it. I have finally memorized the prayer for meals that many catholics recite, so before meals I easily say that one, but for the more serious times it is hard for me to turn to God like that. It feels really awkward usually and that’s kind of why it is hard. When I am being tempted I think "okay, I need to turn from this and pray for grace… but what do I say? That’s really weird… just like “God, I’m being tempted… help?” And I know that prayers don’t need to be complicated or anything, in fact I’ve also memorized the Jesus prayer, so when I do pray I usually say that, but just saying that prayer alone and then… what? stopping? that doesn’t seem right… Do I just talk about my day? Brainstorm good things to pray for like wisdom, or conversion?
It might help to know that I use to be protestant. What type of protestant doesn’t matter lol. I am just 16 and before I became catholic I never really had much to pray about. My prayers were always just “ugh, another day. Thanks for life lord, and forgive me for my sins. Amen” Now that I am catholic I actually have the fullness of faith and I am so lost in this realm of real prayer. When I go to confession the priest often times says to pray a decade of the rosary or something, and I know how to do that, but it is still strange to me to just say this one thing over and over… That being said, I really like the divine mercy chaplet… Maybe that’s because it goes faster, lol that is kinda superficial of me, but it’s probably true.
Part of the problem is also my inferior knowledge about the whole “state of grace” deal. I am in mortal sin on an almost regular basis, but ever since my conversion to catholicism, it has become less and less regular. Anyways, Being in a state of mortal sin I feel like “Why bother even praying right now? There isn’t forgiveness until I go to confession and I probably wont be able to go until next week because I don’t like to ask to go and we only go to it every Saturday.”
I am sorry this is so long, let me wrap it up. I have inhibitions when it comes to prayer. What should I do? (also, I am contemplating being a priest deeply, so my pastor gave me “the liturgy of the hours” book to pray, but it is hard for me to follow regularly…) And one more question, Does this all sound like it is too much to talk about over the internet, and perhaps I should get a spiritual counselor? If so, how can I do that? I don’t have my license, I do not like to ask my parents for things like that, and I do not want to discuss any of this with my parents, which I guess might be part of the issue but the only way my family life will get better is when I move out for college.
Thanks in advanced for any help. Even just life experience would be greatly appreciated.