I don’t know where to start:
I grew up Catholic, at least in name. I don’t remember ever doubting God’s great love for us, for me. God’s “rules” however, I was so ignorant as to the wisdom and love within them. At one time in my life, I didn’t take much about the destiny of my soul very seriously. Before my re-conversion, I failed miserably in the areas of modesty, chastity, and purity. Within the last couple of months, I realized I haven’t really become any stronger or more faithful in these areas, over the years. I was just married, so it was easier, if you know what I mean. One obvious area of weakness for me, was masturbation. Even though I knew “some Catholics” saw masturbation as wrong, I didn’t give it much thought, until recently. Once, I acknowledge this behavior for the sin it was, God’s grace has held me free from any lapse, so far. (Praise be to God!)
I mostly need support in what is a difficult time for me. My husband and I have had a strained relationship, for many reasons. We are still committed to remaining married and all, that isn’t a problem. However, my husband has been extremely distant and unavailable, both mentally and physically. I know some of it revolves around stressors that have nothing to do with me. If my husband and I were at the same place in our faith journey, I could address the problem from that perspective. It saddens me to admit, it seems as I have grown closer and more secure, my husband has grown more evasive and distant, endangered by my faith. This fact, itself, has been some of the strain. I continually try to adjust my heart and behavior, to ensure I am being humble, but I admit at times it is difficult. I am aware a condescending attitude does not endure my husband to me, nor Christ.
Here is my issue, I am lonely. I know that God meant for us to give ourselves to one another in love. At times, I want to forget what my heart now knows to be true. Until about 3 weeks ago, I totally focused on what my husband wasn’t giving to me. I realized I was also not giving to my husband. I hadn’t even stopped to consider what HIS emotional and physical needs and wants were. I had expected him to fall down with gratitude at what I wanted to give him, not even considering what he wanted to receive from me. I was taking his lack of interest in me, personally. I gave no thought to what he might be going through. As I changed my perspective, I noticed he may, indeed, have a real emotional or physical issues going on that makes being close with me frightening and threatening for him. I don’t know how or even if to approach him.
I need assistance to know how to proceed from here. I need support in my struggle to stay chaste, not only in act, but in thought. I need practical advice on how to keep my heart loving, and not take my hubby’s struggle as a personal rejection. I am not trying to remove my husbands “speck” but rather my own “log”. And as always, I need help to remain humble, and not presumptuous.
Thanks, for any and all feed back.