intimacy talk

I have asked before about how much I can expect from my dh since he is trying to quit lusting over other women and quit cheating on me. He says it really doesn’t affect our intimacy so I shouldn’t be upset, but I don’t buy that. I asked him if he would be fine with me checking out the men next door working on a building and getting aroused by them and then jumping on him as soon as he came in the door. He wasn’t real happy w/ that. Then I said what about reading about or talking to some other man about sex and he said hey if it helps you want me let’s try it! But wouldn’t that just be getting me aroused for my own pleasure in ‘getting mine’ rather than uniting us in love??? He just doesn’t get it. He thinks that as long as he is getting sex, any way I get there is ok. And yes I enjoy and give enjoyment to him and pretty often, so don’t be thinking he is a suffering saint and I’m a cold witch. I just don’t know how to explain to him that it is such a love-deadener to know that he lusts over others and comes to me already aroused and wanting some, but not because of wanting me but just wanting some. It turns me off and makes me sad. Does this make sense? Is this just male and I’m hopeless looking for something totally unnatural and unrealistic?

First question - is your husband a practicing Catholic?

yeah, at least on the outside

Pray that he grows stronger in his faith. Suggest a Cursillo retreat (alone) or Marriage Encounter weekend (with you). Until he has a stronger relationship with God, he won’t be able to love you in the way that you desire. If you know other Catholic men who you admire as husbands, see if there’s a way to socialize with them. Maybe something will rub off. Consider doing a Bible Study together. Go to Eucharistic Adoration (alone or with him). If you aren’t taking advantage of all the sacraments you can, you aren’t opening yourself up for God’s grace in your life. And when you face the struggle you have now, you really need grace!

You might consider reading Five Languages of Love. Some of the stories in there sound similar to yours.

The above advice is great, I’d add a suggestion for Retrouvaille.

A couple of books:

The 7 Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly
Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer by Fr. Dubay

we each did cursillo, I’m reading the 5 Languages of Love and highlighting parts for him (he never reads), and we both need to do the rest of the suggestions. Thank you. He wouldn’t do retrouvaille so far.

First; he is not a Christian, so don’t fool yourself into thinking that someone that Christ indwells would do this on a continual basis. He is very self-centered and was proably that way before you married him. If you don’t have any children, then I would say avoid that until some type of reconcilliation because he will use the children as an excuse to carry on and as a weapon to force you into his standard of compliance.

If my husand did these things to me; I would put the ultimatum on his fat head and he would follow the Biblical standard or let the door would hit him on the way out and I would be free according to the Bible to remarry whom I wanted.

That is my 2 cents worth.

Your husband is being very foolish gambling with his eternal salvation and breaking your Heart at the same time.
It is sad that he does not realize the treasuer he has in you and how much more you would give if he would remain faithful to you.
I lost my wife on September 2nd. We were married 52 years.R I P
I realize now that we hung the Moon for each other all those years.
On Marriage Encounter I would just like to say that my late wife and I went on one years ago. For us it was great.
However there was another couple there who had marriage problems and it was a disaster because they saw how happy other couples were while they were having major problems and ended up seperated.
Marriage Encounter is not for couples with major problems like you have in my opinion.
I will keep you in my prayers and hope things work out and that you find happiness.


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