Invitation - how to get out of this little predicament?


Okay, here are the facts: I invited that girl to a ball which is going to happen some time this spring as a part of my university’s anniversary celebration. She wasn’t swept off her feet, she reacted more like a friend being dragged to a pub or football game, she made a reservation for a prior arrangement (a friend’s wedding) should it clash, it seemed a bit in a slightly “okay, what does it hurt,” way, and that’s it. But it looks like an oral agreement, an invitation, a word given maybe.

Afterwards, a number of conversations followed, including her referring to our regular sentimental meetings several years ago as “meeting out of duty” - i.e. as if it had only been meeting in class in a course, forgetting roaming parks by night afterward, cafes and such. She backed out of a tentative arrangement she had proposed - “we definitely have to soon” changed into, “I didn’t think we would have to meet so often, you know, doucement.” I really have no desire to talk to her and I had to force myself to send Easter wishes. There’s an e-mail from February that she hasn’t answered yet and while she accepted my Facebook invitation around that time, we haven’t swapped a single message since then. No phone no mail, no anything. I’m hurt by the playing down of our friendship, I don’t appreciate the tone or wording she employs, and I think she crossed more than one line on the last day we talked and before then also. But an agreement is an agreement and an invitation is an invitation. No matter how I bend my grey cells to justify it, I can’t really.

So do I send a thoroughly unenchanting message saying, “Greetings, that ball we talked about is taking place some time soon. Do you care to go or not really?” then collect a “not really” response and go alone, or do I err… stand by whatever promise I gave her even if she doesn’t probably care or remember? Or do I skip the event and not contact her either, pretending I don’t exist? Doubt she’ll notice anyway, but I feel bad going back on my word. :o You don’t just invite a woman and then “forget” it. :o


I tend to be a really direct kind of person. If I were in your shoes, I would let her know that you would like to confirm that she is not interested in attending so that you have the opportunity to ask some one who might actually care to go with you. That way you know that you are not leaving her in the lurch or have to have any further anxiety over it at all.


well heavens knows I’m a rather blunt gal and have been “off market” for over a decade and may not know anything about this kind of thing anymore

but I’d

just call and say, “Listen, it seems we’ve grown apart and have other interests and wants and I see no reason to drag out a relationship that isn’t going anywhere. I hope you have a great time at that wedding and find every happiness in your life. Don’t sweat the ball thing. I know you weren’t all that thrilled with it anyways so I’ll just go stag and see what happiness I can find in my life.”

seriously. I never was and still am not a crying over every past laugh and bemoan and relive every grievance kind of gal and never appreciated guys who were.

no need to be mean or bemoan it
it sounds like this friendship just isn’t going to develop into something more and** it’s time to go find something more**
**so go do it!:shrug: :smiley: **


She would only go if she were to go with me, not otherwise, and she only really agreed as a kind of favour or a “score”. Does this change anything? Except for the fact that you’re so obviously right, of course… Sigh.


Chevalier, I think you are a little overly obsessed with this girl.

To me, I think it is clear that she is not interested, and she is trying to tell you indirectly.

Maybe you thought too much of the meetings years ago, or maybe she thought too little, but today, she isn’t showing signs of wanting to continue it.

Regarding this little predicament, I would just drop it, since it would seem to me that it is what she has already done.

Just let her go, emotionally and psychologically.

I cannot imagine a girl being interested in a guy and then acting the way she is.


Chev, why don’t you ask someone else? Either ask someone so wonderful that you think she would never say yes, or ask someone who you would ordinarily overlook. I just think it is time to step outside of your comfort zone a little bit. Don’t let all of your anxieties over this heartless other girl get you down. If this is something you’d like to go to, then go.


I would really cut and paste Martha’s comments above. They’re perfect.

Then I would work on finding a new date!


She is just not into you. Let it go, don’t obsess, have a good time at the ball.


Hey, I’m not interested in her! I don’t want to go with her. In fact, I very much want not to go with her. I wanted to preserve the friendship I had with her (admittedly getting lost a bit and falling for some romantic hints in the process), but the last lines I got from her taught me better. I just feel extremely bad about crawling my way out of a promise. It’s been years since I’ve last done that. I’d be extremely happy to find a legitimate reason not to contact her about it, while still joining the celebrations.

And yeah, I’d rather not write a premeditatedly offputting e-mail. That’d be low. Perhaps as low as backing out of an invitation.


Contact her. She might be wondering what she should do, especially since she had a conflict with the ball and a friends wedding. Keep is short and sweet. Sometime like, “Hi. Remember that ball we talked about long ago? I don’t think anymore it’s the best idea for us to go to it together. Hope you understand.”

*If *she seems terribly upset about not going with you to it, you can re-think going with her; otherwise don’t worry about “crawling out of a promise”.


If it helps, think of contacting her as a chance to let her off the hook. If you call or email, she gets the privilege of saying no and turning you down.

Just don’t wait too long. You want to have enough time to find a girl who would actually like to go with you.:slight_smile:


I say just find someone new to go with and if she calls and ask just be like “Oh, since we hadn’t talked in awhile and i knew you had another engagement, i didn’t think you were available. Sorry.”

She has basically ended the friendship so there is no reason to try to go out of your way to be overly nice.


I believe she has ended it, although I’m not sure if that relieves me of the obligation coming from my invitation. I can get over etiquette, but I always have a hard time with promises gone awry.

I would frame it like gardenswithkids did, except it won’t work in the language we talk in. I believe something like, “hey, judging from the situation, you won’t mind if I go with someone else, will you?” would be even less polite than completely ignoring her. Hmm… “Mind if we cancel our plans regarding the ball?” should be fine, though I’d hate to withdraw an invitation. Hmm… Have to think of a way to give her an opportunity to turn me down, which she will likely welcome anyway. “Judging by the current state of things, I will not insist…” :rolleyes:


I second this! Just call her and tell her something like you totally understand if he would rather go to the wedding and that you just wanted to see if she had decided which one she was going to (if I understood well, that she is choosing between both things). Set it for it to be easy for her to say no, without literally “uninviting” her.


How about a formal and rather neutral “I would like to confirm that it is not your intention to accompany me…”?


How about just writing a quick email like

Haven’t talk to you in awhile. Just wanted to check if you wanted to go with me to the ball or if you had other plans? The ball is on this date. I will understand if there are things that have come up in the mean time.

I think this gives her the opportunity to say "Yes, I have other plans. Have a good time."
Gieves her a graceful way to back out without having to do it over the phone.

Trust me, I have been in this girls situation. I have had a guy send me a Valentines Day card out of the blue (he got my name from the directory of my Catholic Church). That was weird. He left a phone number and I didn’t know whether to call or not. I might have liked him better (he was cute and nice) if he had approached me after Mass and offered a date, rather than do the creepy card thing. I was in high school at the time and didn’t know how to handle that. I got better at being more direct as I got older. I seemed to always attract the men that I wasn’t entirely interested in. I would give them a chance and go out to dinner or coffee. When I knew it wasn’t what I was looking for (1-2 dates), I would become distant. Not the best tactic but as I grew older, I got better at saying “I think this is more a friendship.”

By the way, I’m from Poland. Moved to the US when I was 10.

Good luck.


She said she will go unless the wedding and the ball clash. We just didn’t know the date of the ball, while she already knew the date of the wedding. Well… confirming that she has other plans should be fine. I really don’t want to go with her. I have no desire to meet her at all and I don’t care to put up a nice social game for an extended period of time that the ball will last.

Heya. :wink: Thanks. :slight_smile:



You are obsessing. And, despite your protests you seem determined to contact her to ask about this very tentative invitation. You should ask yourself why. It is NOT because you feel bad about breaking a “promise” because you had no promise and I guarantee she doesn’t see it that way. She has likely not even thought twice of this ball.

From the context of your posts, it doesn’t seem she even knows the date of this ball. So, just let sleeping dogs lie, ask someone else or go stag.

Don’t contact her.


I always obsess about promises, actually. :wink: Both of us will be happier if there’s no contact, but I’m old-fashioned when it comes to promises and I can’t get myself to see it the utilatarian way. That’s all, really. :wink:


There is no promise!

Let this statement be your guide: “Both of us will be happier if there’s no contact”

In fact, in a PP didn’t you say she had told you NOT to contact her anymore?

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