Irreconcilable differences...whatever!


As you all know…I’m still not divorced:banghead:!!! It seems like this is taking forever:rolleyes:. We’ve reached an agreement, the problem has been the drafting of the documents.

When I got my first set of docs I went over them and asked for the necessary changes to be made. First, only my son was mentioned as being a product of the marriage…I told them to put my little girl on there, so it would read that there were two children from the marriage and only one living. Secondly, I wanted the docs to read “adultery” and not “irreconcilable differences” as to the “why” of the divorce. I get a call and an email from my attorney that these two things didn’t need to be changed and it served no purpose:eek: !!!

So, I get the second draft of these docs and sure enough this wasn’t changed:mad: . I went through all the docs and corrected what I thought they missed the first time around…and again brought up these two things. I feel very strongly about this, first my daughter was very much born and he was the father!!! I want her acknowledged, just because she’s no longer here doesn’t mean she didn’t exist!!! Secondly, the adultery on the paperwork…that’s why we had irreconcilable differences:doh2: , had he not done that we just might still be together!

Well, I finally got on the phone with someone today and had to fight to add my daughter to the docs and to add, specifically, adultery. She told me that it’s never done because it’s a no-fault state and that she’s never seen it on divorce papers. She also said she didn’t know if opposing counsel would admit and allow the language in the final divorce agreement. I then explained that he got his little girlfriend pregnant while we were married and living together…in fact that he had us both pregnant at the same time:eek: ! She then said…OH, so there is proof that he committed adultery…and I said yes…two kids:rolleyes: !!!

When she understood why I wanted and needed that in the documents she figured out a way to write them in. I told her that I wanted him and his mistress to see that we had a little girl that was no longer here…remember, he didn’t even show up to her funeral. I want to remind him that she existed and I want both of them to see why the marriage ended…his adultery. Also, when my son grows up and wants to know what happened I want it clearly written in black and white in a legal manner, just in case his dad ever wants to blame me!!!

I just can’t believe I had to fight my own attorneys to put the TRUTH on legal documents…this no-fault divorce is for the birds!!! Do you guys think I did the right thing in insisting that the docs read this way? I’m just sick of people getting off the hook so easily…sick of it:mad: !!!


First, you and your husband, daughter and son are in my prayers.

Second, I don’t see how the truth can hurt, especially if it’s proof of why the marriage has to be dissolved.

Third, the Church dose not believe in divorce, but I don’t know if you’re Catholic or not, so, if you are, just wanted to remind you of that, and if you aren’t, well, can’t hurt to know, I guess.

Fourth, don’t let the anger get to you. You can conquer it with love! Anything is possible with God :wink:


Lexee - how did you get a decree of nullity without a divorce decree? Just curious because I thought you had to have a civil divorce before you could even file for a decree of nullity!

As for recognizing your daughter, yes, she lived even by todays secular standards, outside the womb, for a time - she was considered a “live birth”!!! Oi, at any rate she was alive in the womb, and yes, with a half-sibling in another woman’s womb!:eek:

Praying that the new documents indeed recognize your daughter and the adultery.

Brenda V.


In the unqualified the way you expressed this, this is NOT the teaching of the church. Please provide a citation when making statements like this one which are likely to be provocative.

I mean, come on, just 1 day ago, the OP reminded us all that she has an annulment in another post. Have you forgotten already? What do you expect the OP to do, stay legally married to this man forever, even though they’re not married in the eyes of the church?


Lexee’s husband never had his first marriage annulled even though he said he had. Their marriage was declared invalid since he was still married to his first wife in the eyes of the church. Lexee is getting a civil divorce, as far as the church is concerned she was not married to him in the first place.


Thank you for correcting me, I did not know this. God bless.


Just to let everyone know…the fact that I received a Decree of Nullity without a divorce decree is HIGHLY irregular and uncommon. Now that I got that out of the way…when I explained my situation to the priest in charge of the Tribunal in my diocese (not sure what their official title is) I explained that I was not yet divorced, he then said that they wouldn’t be able to do anything until they had the divorce decree. I went on to explain that I had found out that my stbx never received a decree of nullity from his first marriage, the paperwork was on file, but was incomplete. He said that if this was true then he was not free to marry me and that this was a matter of following the paper trail.

He said he was going to request our marriage file from the church where we married and go from there. Well they got it and then I got a letter stating that in my marriage file they found and reviewed our interviews, he claimed that he was never married. Then they saw our marriage license from California (we married civilly first) where it clearly states that he had been married and couldn’t believe the priest had “missed” this. They said they now were going to request his petition for annulment file from the Tribunal office at our former diocese.

A few months later I received a letter granting the Decree of Nullity and stating that he was not free to marry me because he was already married, therefore my marriage was never valid and that I was free (had no impediment) to marry in the Church in the future if I chose to do so:thumbsup:.

This was a highly unusual situation…and easy to do because it was all paperwork. And that’s how I got a Decree of Nullity from the Church without a divorce decree in hand:D .


Lexee thank you for clarifying that. Also, thankyou for your patience with me about this, you have definitely come a long way in how hurt you were over what had been happening!

More patience for this dim wit here :wink: So to keep this straight for my sake (and those who are relatively new to what has been happening in your life) your ex (well, soon to be) had a civil divorce when he married you so he could contract another civil marriage but he couldn’t get married in the Church because he did not have a Decree of Nullity from his first Catholic Wedding :slight_smile: .

Oh how sin affects us all! Even the somewhat innocent get affected by the sin of others!

Prayers again for the divorce decree documents to recognize your beautiful baby girl and sister to your son (and your stbx’s other child/children).

Brenda V.


Good for you for insisting that the documents accurately describe why your marriage failed, and for insisting that your daughter be listed. If the other counsel gives you problems over this, withhold your signature for a while.

Irreconcilable differences, or irretrievably broken, are such weak grounds for divorce. I don’t think that these options should be available to any person who has children under 18. It’s just too easy to end a marriage that way.


I, too, had to fight my attorneys for listing the specific causes for the divorce rather than those infamous “irreconcilable differences.” The attorneys seem to feel that it is something that antagonizes the other party and may stand in the way of negotiating a settlement for their own client (which would be you). It was important to me that it be there, however, and in the end it was.


If you are doing the divorce in CA, here’s the grounds for divorce:
If you are doing the divorce in IL, here’s the grounds for divorce:


I’m in IL and mine was severe and prolonged mental cruelty… kinda sorta like extreme and repeated physical or mental cruelty.


Lexee, I believe you did the right thing by forcing that. I’m sorry you have had to endure being “married” to a peice of… well this is a Christian board so I don’t go there (sorry if my insenuation is inappropriate). Getting another person pregnant while having a pregnant wife then not showing up to your daughters funeral is beyond what I can imagine.

I’ll defintiely be remembering you and your children in my prayers.




Oh, he’s still very much ON the hook. Judgement Day is called “The Day of Wrath” for a reason.


Just to update everyone…my attorney REFUSED to put adultery on the divorce paperwork:mad:. They did add my little girl on there, but he would not budge on the adultery thing. This is why divorce is so rampant…I hate this no-fault divorce c***:mad:!!!


An interesting website, although I don’t endorse everything on it:



Not sure if you remember me, but I was divorced in Illinois about 2 years ago and we chatted then.

I can see why your attorney is fighting that. You can list adultery as a reason for divorce in Illinois but it is hardly ever done anymore. I think, mainly, because it can make the process MUCH longer and more expensive. If you’re trying to actually prove grounds for divorce in a no-fault state, the other attorney can force a trial. No fault means no trial means both of you save a ton of cash. Even the money he saves benefits you if you’re going to recieve child support payments in the final decree.

I would guess that your attorney knows that ex’s attorney will totally FREAK seeing adultery even mentioned in the docs, and it could cause a big brou-ha, and slow down the process for months.

I totally understand your feelings, but a divorce decree is not the only legal way your dear daughter will be remembered. There is a hospital document, a birth certificate, your family memories, etc.

A friend of mine here in Houston who is a divorce attorney says that the only expensive divorces are the ones where people cling to certain things that are not vital to the process. I understand you want the truth to be told, but the divorce decree is not your only recourse. Please, I say this not to criticize…you are justified in any action you’ve taken. I just say this to maybe show you a way to speed things up and save yourself further grief.

And, having dealt with my own cheating spouse who refused he was cheating (with a straight face) while buying a house with his girlfriend and her children…trying to make them feel guilt or remind them of important things they should know can pretty much be a waste of time. Liars and cheats don’t care what we think of them. :frowning:

God bless you, you are in my prayers.


You’re absolutely right Cecilia, in my case I doubt anyone could deny his cheating…even him since he’s got a kid that’s the age of my little girl:eek:. I know what you’re saying though, which is what my attorney told me and I don’t feel like making this any longer than has to be, I just think it’s ridiculous!!!


Oh, you’re absolutely right that it’s ridiculous, gal! :slight_smile: It’s sort of like what I remember from high school…there are some stupid rules that make no sense whatsoever and you just have to put up with them in order to graduate. The red tape. You’re gonna do just fine, though. We can take refuge in the fact that God’s law, not man’s law, always reveals the truth. He is already revealing the truth through your annulment.



I hope and will pray that you will give your hurt over the betrayal of your husband, the grief of losing your daughter and the double grief of having to face that grief alone to God.

It is in forgiving him that you will find some relief from your anger and pain.

Turn to our Mother Mary, and love your little boy.

You will have to socialize at school etc. with this man-it will be less painful if you can find some peace.

Really tough to do, but it is doable.

Praying for you and yours.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit