Is extreme sexy underwear OK for a married couple if only in the bedroom?


#1

I tell my wife that it's not a sin to look sexy for me with extremely sexy underwear since I'm her husband and it would be in the privacy of our bedroom only and just between her and me. But she says that she thinks I would be thinking of the women in porn or in lingerie ads who wear those things instead of her. For me, I would be thinking how attractive my wife looks. What do you think? Does anyone know where I can get some authoritative Church opinion on this? Thanks.


#2

There is nothing wrong with wearing sexy stuff in the privacy of your home. Your wife is uncomfortable with it, that’s the problem. She might want to consider it , though. If you can reassure her that it is her and not some imaginary woman you are thinking of it could be fun.The book of Solomon is full of beautiful imagery about the lover’s body. It seems to support the idea of how important the visual enjoyment is to the marriage bed.


#3

Say to her, that in your marriage, you want to focus on her and her alone.

And that what she can do is to wear whatever will do that. Whatever will help or "encourage" you to focus on her.


#4

I would be interested to hear what the church actually says about this?


#5

You said your wife said you would be thinking of women in lingerie ads who wear that stuff instead of her. I’m thinking your wife doesn’t wear lingerie but underwear…like white cotton standard and practical.

Beautiful lingerie isn’t just for men. It makes a woman feel beautiful if fitted correctly, and does wonders for the way her clothes will fit. I would suggest you find a really good lingerie store in your area and give her a gift certificate. You must find someone who knows how to fit the garments and that is very tricky because most, even the stores you see in those ads, don’t have a clue.


#6

I think that pretty and "sexy" underwear makes the woman feel pretty and young - everyday, not just in the bedroom! Now I, for 1, don't think that thong panties are comfortable :eek:, but many women do and wear them daily. As Catholics we aren't required to wear "garments", so live a little!:rolleyes:


#7

When I have really loved some one they looked sexy even wearing a flannel nightgown and cap. I know that sometimes even Catholics like a little spice in the bedroom. There is probably nothing wrong with what you are suggesting. But it makes your wife uncomfortable. I notice that it is you not she asking the question. I would suggest it, but not press the issue. Maybe she will change her mind in time. But the important thing is that you don't want to make your bedroom time together a bad experience for her even If she may be being a little irrational. Remember love trumps sex.


#8

[quote="stevejosemkat, post:1, topic:212420"]
But she says that she thinks I would be thinking of the women in porn or in lingerie ads who wear those things instead of her.

[/quote]

It sounds like she might have a little bit of a self esteem issue going on, so be very gentle with her on this. If she feels like you are trying to objectify her, it will be such a turn off for her that it will be useless and even damaging.

You need to talk to her more about how she feels about her own body image, and how you feel about her and perceive her in your marriage in and outside the bedroom.

She also needs to understand that men are very visual when it comes to sex, and that just because you like to see her in pretty/sexy lingerie does not mean that you are thinking about someone else. That's a hard thing to convey, but you need to help her to understand, you also need to understand where she is at with her own self esteem. Love and sex - very much a two way street.

:)

~Liza


#9

This post below was from another thread and posted today. Only slightly off topic, but in my opinion relevant and appropriate. Exceptionally well written. Should be read by every Catholic. Male. Female. Engaged. Married. Single of marriageable age.

Today, 5:31 am
Cat

Senior Member

Join Date: June 1, 2004
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 6,488
Religion: Roman Catholic
Re: Wedding Night
This is an explicit post, but I think that it is appropriate. The Bible says that older women should teach younger women how to be good wives. That's what I'm doing.

I've been married 31 years. My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding night.

Your husband will be very turned on by you. I guarantee it. Even if you're fat or ugly. The key is that YOU are comfortable and confident in your body. Men love it when women love themselves.

Several years after we were married, I gained over 100 pounds. I'm definitely fat. I've lost some of it recently, but I still weight 215 pounds--a big lady.

But never once have I felt like my body was "ugly." IMO, I am the sexiest, hottest, most arousing woman in the world and always have been. And my husband agrees.

One of the things that I do is "use" my body well. I hope you don't mind if I am explicit. I have sexy big breasts, and I make sure that my husband sees and feels them. I use them to turn him on. He doesn't pay any attention to my flabby stomach because he can't take his eyes off my breasts!

I also make sure that I do plenty of Kegel exercises to make my pelvic floor very strong, and my husband absolutely loves this! If you don't know about Kegel exercises, talk to your gynecologist or doctor and learn how to do them. It can really help both of you experience better sex. (And it also helps you not to leak urine when you get older.)

Here is a sure-fire way to make sure that your husband has a wonderful experience with you on your wedding night and every night: Show him your pleasure in his lovemaking. I'm not talking about "acting." Fake moans and writhing will be a turn-off.

What I'm telling you is to enjoy what the two of you are doing together. THAT is the hugest turn-on for any man--knowing that he is giving exquisite pleasure to his wife. Definitely be vocal--you don't have to scream and gasp and act like a movie star. But those little moans of pleasure will be immensely arousing to your husband and his pleasure will be greatly increased. Show your pleasure in your facial expressions, in your eyes, in your excitement. Let him know that he is appealing and attractive to you. Tell him what actions turn you on (using his tongue, his fingers, whatever). If he does something painful, make sure you are gentle when you tell him to please do something else.

I would suggest reading through the Song of Songs in the Bible and following the example of the woman in that great erotic book. She is literally panting for her husband to make love to her.


jazzicals.com/


#10

[quote="stevejosemkat, post:1, topic:212420"]
I tell my wife that it's not a sin to look sexy for me with extremely sexy underwear since I'm her husband and it would be in the privacy of our bedroom only and just between her and me. But she says that she thinks I would be thinking of the women in porn or in lingerie ads who wear those things instead of her. For me, I would be thinking how attractive my wife looks. What do you think? Does anyone know where I can get some authoritative Church opinion on this? Thanks.

[/quote]

You both have a point, and I bet you both can see the other side and agree with it. Obviously, you don't want her to wear clothing that makes her feel like an object to you, let alone makes her wonder if you're fantasizing about sex outside your marriage with her. Obviously, she would want to be attractive for you, and give herself to you entirely. Yet it is not unusual for a husband to encourage his wife to be a bit more adventurous than she is or feels inclined to be. The main thing is that you not do what you think ought to make her feel sexy, but do the thing that actually does make her feel attractive and good about herself and her ability to please you in a unique way, as herself. That takes some on-going communication, and a bit of patience on both sides.

Why don't you ask her to go with you and find something that makes her feel attractive? I think if she has the perception that you are trying to make her feel sexy and feel good about herself, then you will have a wife that is as sexy as you know what to do with!

If the whole concept of feeling sexy is something she's not comfortable with, you might want to find a Catholic marriage counsellor and have a reassuring talk with her. She may be misinformed with the myth that "good girls don't think like that." Read the Song of Songs. Nothing could be farther from the truth. God made sex for marriage, and He made it to be a passionate and sensual thing and a very powerful thing!

Oh, and let her look through the lingerie ads. It is not wrong for a husband to shop for lingerie for his wife, but in your case that kind of shopping does not make your wife feel you want her and only her. Unless she is shopping and wants you in tow, be sensitive to her feelings, and stay out of there.


#11

I don't think there's a sexy panties section in the catechism or code of canon law so don't hold your breath! :p

[quote="dailey, post:4, topic:212420"]
I would be interested to hear what the church actually says about this?

[/quote]


#12

My advice, go for it! Like the Beatles song, 8 days a week! :thumbsup:


#13

Ha!

Actually, I can relate to this thread since my husband likes “extremely sexy underwear” AKA-trashy outfits.:rolleyes: I do not feel comfortable wearing them…so I don’t.:slight_smile:


#14

Food for thought:

chastitysf.com/q_sex_after_children.htm


#15

[quote="bobolink, post:14, topic:212420"]
Food for thought:

chastitysf.com/q_sex_after_children.htm

[/quote]

Huh? I just read the link and it seems that this is not correct Catholic teaching. In everything I have read it is find for a married couple past child-bearing years to continue to have sex provided that they do not use anything that would be a barrier to life. I think that whoever answered this question just confused the original questioner.

As for as the subject about sexy underwear that is fine to wear if the wife is comfortable with it. If she isn't then it might not be a good idea to press the issue.


#16

As a wife, I can say...

Your wife probably feels that she is becoming an object for you, an object used just to fulfill your sexual desires. She needs to feel that the two of you are soul-connected, so to speak. She does not want to feel like you have "needs" that she "has to meet". She wants to feel like you love all of her, her heart, her mind, her soul, and (but not specifically) her body. Prancing around in suggestive lingerie, even if it is in the privacy of your bedroom, makes her feel like a prostitute.

At least that's how I would feel.

Edited to add: "Good News About Sex and Marriage" by Christopher West is a great book. Perhaps you and your wife could read it together.


#17

[quote="jawgee, post:16, topic:212420"]
As a wife, I can say...

Your wife probably feels that she is becoming an object for you, an object used just to fulfill your sexual desires. She needs to feel that the two of you are soul-connected, so to speak. She does not want to feel like you have "needs" that she "has to meet". She wants to feel like you love all of her, her heart, her mind, her soul, and (but not specifically) her body. Prancing around in suggestive lingerie, even if it is in the privacy of your bedroom, makes her feel like a prostitute.

At least that's how I would feel.

Edited to add: "Good News About Sex and Marriage" by Christopher West is a great book. Perhaps you and your wife could read it together.

[/quote]

well said. :thumbsup:


#18

[quote="dailey, post:4, topic:212420"]
I would be interested to hear what the church actually says about this?

[/quote]

If it violates the dignity of the person, its wrong.... But, two married consenting adults who enjoy one another and who are not forced to do anything.... why would that be wrong? The Church teaches that every person from conception to natural death must be treated with dignity..... that's their core teaching.

  • Michael

#19

[quote="teak421, post:18, topic:212420"]
If it violates the dignity of the person, its wrong.... But, two married consenting adults who enjoy one another and who are not forced to do anything.... why would that be wrong? The Church teaches that every person from conception to natural death must be treated with dignity..... that's their core teaching.

  • Michael

[/quote]

Not in the case of those convicted of capital crimes.


#20

I haven't read it, but I have heard some good things about the book "Holy Sex" by Greg Popcack (spelling) Not sure if it covers stuff like this, but it sounds like it might. From personal experience, (not with lingerie but with anything in general) if you have already let your wife know that you'd like to see her try some underwear like that, then I'd just let it rest. She knows, and will, if and when she is ready, to try it for you. If she doensn't...oh well. It's not like they stay on for more than a few seconds anyways...;)


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