The reason I ask is because...as much as I hate to admit it...I think that's what I may be going through. But I'm not 100% certain yet. I've just been having a lot of mixed emotions in the past few months about my relationship with my wife and...I don't know what's going on. But something just feels off and...I'm in terrible need of some advice. Cause this is tearing me apart and I seriously do not feel at peace with myself. I constantly find myself thinking about this on a daily basis and yesterday it was bothering me so much that I left halfway through mass just to be alone. And I normally don't ever do that. So...this is really messing with me and I need some advice.
I met my wife 3 years ago. And from the very beginning, we hit it off perfectly. We began dating about 3 months after we met and...we knew that we were in love with each other. We couldn't stand to be away from each other, we talked on the phone all the time, we were not only lovers/partners but we were also truly the best of friends. I could talk to her about anything and everything and get along with her on the same level I would with a friend. And that's something I had never had with any of my past relationships and it's something her and I still have to this day. We could be ourselves around each other, we were always so supportive of each other, we were always there for one another, I mean we were both truly head over heels for each other. I remember just being so incredibly in love with her and not ever wanting to be away from her.
We found out she was pregnant a little bit after her and I began dating (she got pregnant by the guy before me before we even got together. She just didn't know until after we were already together because she kept spotting for a while) and she ended up having a baby 9 months afterwards. Despite the fact that the baby was not mine biologically, that didn't change my love for her at all. I stayed with her throughout her pregnancy and I was still ever so much in love with her. Even after she had the baby I grew to love the child as my own and I still felt as though I was truly head over heels for her. Eventually I proposed to her and we got married last August. So, we've been married now for almost a year, but we've been together for 3.
But...shortly after we got married...in fact it might’ve been a little bit before we got married…to me…it just seemed like I wasn’t as infatuated with her as I used to be. I found myself walking down the street and gazing at another beautiful woman and being entranced with her as I would’ve been when I was single. That wasn’t something I experienced when I knew I was truly in love. When I knew I was in love, I’d look at another woman and just look right away not thinking anything of it because I knew I was in love with the best woman on the planet. But then this started happening. And then it started getting so bad that even when my wife was around, I would catch myself eyeing other women. And it made me feel terrible.
I mean, I knew that I still loved my wife. I still missed her and thought about her all the time when I was at work, I loved being around her, I loved cuddling with her and holding her in my arms, I still loved talking with her and hanging out with her, so I knew that I still loved her. But I then started asking myself “Am I IN love with her/have I fallen out of love with her?” And a part of me for a while felt like “Well…should it really matter? As long as I love her, that should be enough.” But still, even when I assumed that attitude…something still didn’t seem right. One other thing I noticed is that whenever I thought about being in love with my wife, I would always think back at the days when I first met her, but not so much about the more recent times. After she had the baby obviously she put on a few pounds and over the years she’s had a lot of trouble losing that weight. She’s still very beautiful to me, but because of that excess weight, it’s kinda caused me to not be as attracted to her physically as I used to be. Not only that, but she’s also been going through so much stress after having the baby that it’s caused her to develop a hair pulling disorder. So, that’s another thing that adds onto the physical attraction issue. She looks so different from when I first met her and she’s so depressed now with how she looks (which she reflects in her attitude now cause she’s always bashing herself and talking badly about herself) that sometimes I feel as though I married a completely different woman. I know that she’s the same person and I know that I still love her. But…something just feels off.
I really don’t know what to make of all this. I don’t know if it’s normal to feel this way (in the sense that after your with someone for so long, the feeling of infatuation just dissipates and you know you still love that person but the bond then develops into more of like a father/son bond), I don’t know if this is the devil just constantly trying to tempt me everytime I look at another woman to get me to mess up the beautiful relationship I have with my wife, I don’t know if this is me just falling out of love with her, I just don’t know what to make of all this and it’s tearing me apart. I don’t want to lose my wife, that much is clear. I know that I love her and we’ve been through to much hell to ever leave each other. I don’t feel as though I could ever bring myself to break it off with her because I love her so much. But…something is just not at peace in my heart. And this is driving me crazy. Has anyone ever felt like this?