I am at such a desperate point that I have to wonder about something. Basically, for reasons I don’t understand, I’ve always had this burning desire for marriage. I’ve prayed more than all my friends combined but all that happened was one unhealthy engagement and then about five different incidents that are completely insane. They all go like this:
Guy in community starts dropping hints out in groups about interest in me. It’s someone I kind of like and this makes me pay attention. Flirtation continues and gets more serious and we have some spiritual connection, we think. They like that I’m devout and stuff but also fun.
I wait for something to happen. Nothing does. Through flirtation and indirect ways they continue to hint and I know they aren’t all perverse sociopaths just stringing people along for sheer pleasure. Most are guys who have been hanging out a lot in community but not dating. Once or twice I’ll get a real invite, like to swim or come to dinner, but I follow up and it’s like I never existed. One of these flirtatious was so intense it was to the point of intense passionate emotions and everyone around us really mad we werent together. But whenever I try to make anything happen it’s like there is an actual physical block and bringing it to reality is really painful.
I am healing from a lot of childhood trauma but I still know people who have that that still have a loving husband. I am feeling a lot of despair because the one guy I was really falling for, my friend, that has taken me for walks and talked about marriage and stuff, just ignored my text when I followed up to an open invitation to hang out.
I have never met anyone else who has my situation. IE, repeated incidents of guys pursuing me and I genuinely don’t think they are completely lying when they talk about marriage etc. and then acting like it never happened and I don’t exist when I try to make it real.
Guys will hang out w me and more or less admit their feelings and declare to some extent they desires…and then refuse to have a real conversation or in some cases be my facebook friend. I know about the “rules” or whatever, but trying to follow a formula for how girls should act also never got me anywhere. So texting someone to follow p an invitation should not be some taboo thing that gets me dumped when two days ago he was acting really into me.
I feel like I am repellent to people and am just a failure as a woman.
And yes, I pray all the time to have Christ be my only spouse for right now and fill in that void.
I am losing my mind and have asked God if he is allowing the evil one to attack my love life and let me be so humiliated as to basically go insane because he wants me to go in religious life or something.
I know it’s a vocation and not an escape from the world. But I do not understand why it is so hard for me. Even people who went through the same traumas I did growing up don’t have this problem.
My spiritual director laughed when I said sometimes I feel like being a nun just to prove to these guys that are doing this insane mind games that I am worth more and don’t need them. I know this is not a reason to enter religious life. But what if repeated inexplicable failures (I am pretty, nice, fun, devout, and it shouldn’t be this hard) are the Lord’s way of drawing me to something greater? I don’t know.
The dumb thing is that I like men and would miss them, and I’ve never even discerned religious life in an active way by going to a retreat or something bc I didn’t think I would like it and I felt like I’d feel trapped.
But also at this point I feel the same way about marriage, single life, or consecrated life. Like any commitment is terrible. Lol. Yet I keep allowing myself to fall in love even though I pray every day for the Lord to guard my heart. And I pray to have feelings for people who aren’t going to marry me taken away, and they aren’t. And I pray for a husband and I get these torturous humiliations. And I pray for the desire for marriage to be removed and it isn’t.
I feel abandoned by God that I wasn’t born into a catholic family but instead to abusers which is now why I can’t love and be loved. I know I will be grateful for all this in heaven but it’s really hard when you have a death wish here because the psychic pain is so strong it physically hurts your body.
So…what does He want. I am so confused. It is not supposed to be this insane. Is he trying to tell me I have a call to serve Him alone in celibacy?