Is he going to propose?


#1

Hey everybody,

I need your opinion/help with something… I’m in my mid 20s and I’ve been dating a wonderful Catholic man in his late 20s for over two years now (the best years of my life!). In other words, our relationship is a positive and fruitful relationship.

He is the kind of guy who tells me all the time that wants to get married and start a family with me, but when I start asking him more concretely as to when are we going to do it, he freezes and tells me that it will be in the future. Of course, having all of our Catholic friends getting married and having children when they haven’t even dated as long as we have, I’m getting pretty frustrated and I just don’t know what to do.

I asked him directly if he was planning to marry me or not, because if he wasn’t, then I needed to move on, because it wasn’t healthy otherwise. Well, he said “just so you know, I’m planning to be married by next summer” but then turns around and asks me if next November sounds good to get married. He also told me that he told his parents that we had been dating for two years already so we had reached that point that we either had to get married or break up.

Anyway, if you leave it at that it seems that he wants to get married, but all of our friends who are planning to get married by next summer are already engaged and he’s the kind of guy who talks a lot, but doesn’t act, because he’s always “waiting” for something. He doesn’t even need to save money to propose, because we decided that we’re not buying an engagement ring.

I really don’t know what he’s doing and he just sends a lot of mixed signals. It’s almost like I don’t want to bring it up, because he may feel I’m pressuring him, but at the same time, it’s not fair for me to just sit around and wait if he doesn’t want to marry me.

Any advice? God bless!


#2

Pray and then pray some more. It sounds like he may have issues with committment, but you are correct in that you either need to decide that the relationship is going somewhere or it isn’t. And then stick to your guns.


#3

If he says this–that he wants to get married and start a family with you, give him a one word question: When?

You: When?
Him: Oh, maybe next November.
You: OK, I’ll contact my priest and see what dates are available in November.


#4

I know what you are going through…same thing goes with my brother. He was dating this girl for at least 5-6 years, in which he was always saying that he will marry her (even talking to me - his sister - about it), but no results. He finally proposed to her 2 weeks ago. And how long did it take him to go from talking about it to proposing? about 4-5 years!

Of course, my brother’s case might be slightly different (he may have proposed earlier) …there were some issues, one of which she had to move back to her home country…

So anyways don’t give up if you believe that this guy is the one. Although, I agree with the prevoius post. Prayer is always good :thumbsup:. Also, maybe asking him why the delay could help? He probably is comfortable with the situation he is in now and doesn’t want to change it? :shrug:

He may propose to you one day, although (sometimes) something drastic might have to happen before he finally will.


#5

I think he is just waiting for the right time. By the sounds of it, if he is talking about it often, he is not going to leave you and just keep you waiting. I don’t know him so I can’t be sure.

But if I were a guy, I wouldn’t jump right into it, I’d make sure everything that need be done will be done beforehand to make the marriage process as less hectic as possible and more joyous.

You are in your mid 20’s and he is in late 20’s? It’s in no way too late for you two, after all you have been talking about marriage too, it doesn’t sound like it will be much longer.


#6

I usually don’t approve of pressuring guys for a proposal, but he has to know that you expect a proposal. Do you have any mutual friends who could take him aside and mention that you expect a proposal soon? I’ve done something like this for my friend. Her husband was a student of mine, and when they were dating they were having problems with expectations. He figured that calling her two or three times a week would be okay, she expected that in a relationship the boyfriend should be contacting her every day. He’s a soldier, so she couldn’t contact him easily. When he called me to chat, I mentioned that she was often worrying about him, and needed to know he was okay regularly. I guess he just needed to hear it from someone other than her, because he smartened up pretty quickly. If one of your mutual friends could mention it on your behalf, it might make him realize you’re serious. I think it would help even more if that friend were male, so they could discuss it comfortably.

Good luck with the engagement! My boyfriend has actually told me when he plans to ask me - my only surprise will be how. But then, we’ll probably be engaged for a long time - we both live in Korea, his family lives in the Philippines, and my family lives in Canada and Germany, so it’ll take a while for us to meet each other’s families. If he asks me next month, as promised, we’re not likely to get married until spring or summer 2009. I wish it could be faster! Oh well.


#7

I agree. Being hectic and pressing it won’t accomplish anything.

I’m not sure if it’s just men or if it’s universal, but being pressured about such matters feels wrong and perhaps an alarm sign might even flash. Something feels wrong when you’re being pushed into a relationship.

I’ve had some personal experience in which I didn’t want things to be hectic and I didn’t want to live in a constant rush of deadlines, terms, and such, whereas the lady enjoyed the thrill of a pressing schedule, and the difference between us led to some misunderstandings.

Perhaps it’s good to keep in check the urge to make the relationship move forward and instead focus on resolving what’s to resolve in the current moment. Shouldn’t jump into marriage with some unresolved issues already at the stage of engagement. Is everything otherwise all right with your relationship or do you (the Opening Poster) have any doubts, or does he (the fiance)? I’m not asking for myself to know, in fact you don’t need to reply. :wink: You two probably need to talk.

By the waym I think pressuring him further won’t accomplish anything. It needs to be a free decision of his own and it would be sad for him to be forced (psychologically, emotionally) into accepting a date that he didn’t have much say in setting.


#8

They’ve been dating for over two years. And he has said he wants to get married–to her.

Sometimes you just have to collapse the probability wave.


#9

Well, you do have more experience than I do, but I’ve seen court accounts of marriages falling apart and some proving null because of pressure on one party. It’s a sad thing.


#10

Have you considered directly asking him to marry you? Not just talking about it in a hypothetical sense. If you want to be traditional, next year is Leap Year, and Leap Day is only four months away.

Sadie Hawkins Day is even closer, November 10 this year. Only a week from next Saturday!


#11

Let him know that until he makes up his mind you will be dating other people. After all, it’s not like you’re MARRIED or anything…:smiley:


#12

No no no! Absolutely not–no offense to this advice.:o But, no one should ever EVER pressure someone to get married…want a doomed marriage already?? Yikes nooooooo!!!

To the OP-Please pray about it, and maybe ask a priest of his opinion. I then, would wait a while, without bringing it up. My husband and I talked about marriage before he proposed, and I was not ready initially…and I told him so. He did not pressure me, but we did a trial separation…well, we broke up, actually. Because he wanted that, and I wasn’t ready. We then, got back together, and we were both ready. Nothing worse than looking like a woman pushing a man into marriage, or visa versa. Trust me. Do not push. Frankly, you will feel 100% better when he pops the question of his own accord. I would have a mental timeline in your own mind though, and do not give him an ultimatum…like, if we are not engaged by this point, then I’m leaving. I think you should just know for yourself, your timeframe of when enough is enough of waiting. By that point, he may not be the right man for you, if he never asks. Just don’t push…it’s never advisable…both parties need to want to take that next step–TOGETHER. Just my thoughts.


#13

hee hee…that’s also a good thing to say.:wink: :smiley: That’s what my husband said at that time…so…there you go!!!:stuck_out_tongue:


#14

My guess is that he isn’t going to “propose” in the definitive sense that you are looking for. If you have already been talking about marriage, and agreeing that you want to get married and have kids, he might be thinking that it doesn’t logically follow to ask you to do something that you have both already agreed that you want to do. I know it’s not as romantic, but it could be that’s the way he views it. I think the question at this point isn’t so much a “Will you marry me…” as a “When do you want to get married…” Maybe you can just talk to him about how the vagueness of it all makes you feel and how you would like to start making plans if he hasn’t changed his mind or anything.

I guess how you approach it would be different depending on whether or not he is ually a take charge, definitive type of a guy or a go with the flow easy-going sort of a guy who might need a little more prompting.


#15

What I would do is to decide personally how long YOU will be willing to wait to be engaged and finally married. If next November comes and goes and the next summer rolls around, will that be too long?

It’s not good to pressure him to marry you but it’s not good for him to stave you off when it comes to marriage. If you are in a position in your life that you are ready for marriage, then more than likely you need someone that can be strong enough to make concrete steps in that direction. It may not be him. His sort of indecisive action will not change after marriage by subtle pressure or hints from you. It will take tons of prayer, and his own will to change. You have to think about what marriage will be like to him with his sort of personality. Will many of the big desicions and actions be left up to you by default? Will you be constantly waiting around for him to make a clear statement?

You can take this advice with a grain of salt but I would have just one more conversation about marriage, find out the estimated engagement/marriage time period and discuss it no more. Wait until that time period and if it doesn’t happen and HE doesn’t have the consideration and concern for your feelings to bring it up, then I would take a break from the relationship and strongly reconsider finding someone else that is meant to marry you.


#16

Ok, so perhaps this is just me, but while I understand not pressuring someone into marriage, I think it is equally unhealthy for someone you are dating to not sit down and have a good heart felt conversation on what you both want and when. You’ve been dating for 2 years. You know each other pretty well and it probably is time for you both to have a serious conversation of when to get married. Once you’ve talked, there should be a goal or milestone by which you can measure when to get married…to get married by this date or to save up x amount before getting married or to be at this place with your jobs before getting engaged. It shouldn’t be something hazy… I suggest that you both openly talk about this once. Reach conclusions that the two of you agree on and then let it go. If the concrete goals are met, but you are still no closer to getting married then it will be time for another conversation and perhaps a breakup. What I’m suggesting is very different than an ultimatum because it is something the two of you have to reach together. You’ve been together for two years, so I don’t think your boyfriend has a problem with being committed to you, he may just have a problem discussing his hopes for the future in concrete terms.

Good luck and God bless,

kevinsgirl


#17

Thanks everybody. I do appreciate the advice very much.

He is the type of guy that would propose romantically and the whole nine yards. He has already said that by next summer he would like to get married and he even asked me when would be a good date so my family can come in and so forth. I guess I’m just getting a little impatient, because to plan a wedding (book the church and the priest, especially) takes time and I feel like we’re running out of time.

And like some of you have said, if you know the person and you love them and know you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, why not just do it? I AM like that, but he is NOT. He takes charge with some things, but for others he is just too scared to even think about it. His best friend was the one who told me I had to break up with him, because he knows how indecisive he can be. The couple of times we have had “the talk” about breaking up, he tells me that he IS planning to get married soon.

As kevinsgirl said, I need to set a “timeline” and I know it is next year, because I don’t see any reason to wait if this is something the two of us supposedly want. If he thinks we need to wait, then he’s not for me, even though I may die without him :frowning: (how dramatic!) :slight_smile:


#18

Hi Augustinian82, statistics show that guys will know at around 6 months into a relationship whether they want to marry the girl. I don’t know the specifics of this case, so I can’t really pass judgment or offer advice. I do want you to ask yourself one question, though - are you being fair to yourself?


#19

OR you propose to him, if he says, “No” or goes, “Uhhhh . . .” then you know where you stand.


#20

If he wants to get married by next Summer, then why isn’t he getting engaged to you now? Next Summer will come and go and he will change the date again I bet.


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