First off, I want to let you know I completely understand you. I often feel that the burdens I carry are immense-- I may even get frustrated, write my own lamentations! I never spurn the Lord nor criticize him, but I do complain to him. And many times I feel “I would so much be happier dead,” yet I have no desire nor have I ever to commit such a heinous crime as suicide. If you are like me, I trust that you don’t even support such notions fancifully.
However, it’s true that other days, I breathe the air and am exhilarated to be alive.
Gemma, like underacloud suggested- have you considered a different vocation? A religious one? It’s such a daunting thing- but maybe you could pick up a vocation magazine from your church or go to vocationnetwork.org for example. When I read the stories of people like me, oh my gosh, I can’t tell you how uplifting it felt. I imagine that when I am able to put myself into these environments (I’m close to being done with my debts!) that I will feel much more at home than I ever have before.
Gemma, please look into this if you haven’t already-- it could easily be that God is calling you to it. We don’t often think about it in our daily lives: monks and nuns? These are people that I am not! But maybe we are, and that’s why people like you and me feel we have no place in secular society. Maybe it’s because our place is in religious society.
I’m not saying your place is to take up a religious vocation (and there are many types, not just nuns!), but maybe it is? I’m exploring it myself.
Try reading: The Interior Castle by Saint Teresa of Avila. It is so incredibly fresh, and makes so much sense to me. Make sure to be careful about your translation; I think there’s one by a Mirabelle Starr that substitutes secularisms in for a non-Christian audience. I have one instead translated by some Benedictines.
God bless you!