To be with God: enthused
Before you ask: we have talked about all of this.
For the last several years I have wrestled with my marriage, and it came to a head last year. A series of nearly providential events pushed me to a conclusion that I should quit full-time work to focus entirely on my children as the best rationale to continue in my marriage, or separate. This, after years of raging fights, and numerous counseling sessions. Providence interjected in a way that canceled that plan.
There are no cardinal marriage breakers driving my thinking – just years of lies upon lying, misrepresentations, some theft, and calculated behavior. I no longer trust. And, it is to the point that I no longer challenge misdeeds or misstatements. I don’t want to prompt the violent eruptions that have in the past shaken the children. As one priest suggested, it seems like I do not really know my spouse; and I add, that this state exists regardless of my futile attempts to rectify it. I am at my end, physically and mentally. Only my faith keeps me at it, but I am quite shaky.
On the interior, I am hollowed out. Now, I see no future past the kids leaving, and would likely leave tomorrow if somehow the kids were gone. It is less a marriage than a cross that I constantly pray to cope with. I am so torn on doing what’s right for kids first, then for her, and, lastly, me – and it was only when one priest said “God does not want you to be unhappy” that I considered my part in this. I ask God internally: can I simply cope and patch result that occur? Is that Your will? I do not sleep well. At times, I am definitely hanging at the end of my rope. Another priest suggested that my real goal is to find peace. Amen to that!
I do not want to go into details here. Suffice it to say that the majority of Godly friends consulted over the past three year, who know us both, suggest separation or divorce. The three priests I’ve consulted, who, likewise know us, suggest: a) separate/divorce and “love her in a way other than in marriage;” b) try separation, but consider well both more counseling and the children; and c) discuss my feelings of separation, because we appear to already be separated, but living together.
I am going to present c) this week, with the understanding that a) is a definite possibility if there is no change. I pray for God’s will here: to cope with all the pain, if necessary, but to seek to know the whether the situation might warrant leaving. I don’t seek to leave to find a new “happier” alternative. I want to serve the vows of my marriage, if possible, the best welfare of my children, and God, above all.
Thank you for thoughts and prayers.