Is it horrible to avoid your grandmother's funeral?


#1

This might be the wrong place to post in but I really don't want to go. I saw her last Tuesday (while she was still living) and said goodbye. I don't want to see her in a coffin, but it seems those around me think this is mean. Should I just ignore them and go with my gut?


#2

you should go to her funeral.


#3

Sometimes its about going to comfort those who are suffering the loss the greatest. If it’s your mum who lost her mother, try to be there for her. Losing your mom is a big deal and the funeral is difficult to get through without family by your side.


#4

[quote="josephback, post:1, topic:252066"]
This might be the wrong place to post in but I really don't want to go. I saw her last Tuesday (while she was still living) and said goodbye. I don't want to see her in a coffin, but it seems those around me think this is mean. Should I just ignore them and go with my gut?

[/quote]

I understand. I'm a cantor at my church and have had to sing at funerals of people I had known well. It is really hard to see them in the coffin.

Personally I think open-casket funerals are kind of gross - and in fact, did you know the Church doesn't actually require them? It's something the funeral industry pushes so they can make more money (open casket means embalming, makeup, clothes, etc.).

But unless you're in a decision-making position in your family, you will just have to accept that this is what they've chosen. I agree with others that you should go for the sake of the rest of your family.

However, I totally support your absolute right NOT to go up to the coffin and look at your grandmother, if you can't deal with it! And if your family really loves you, they shouldn't push you to do so.

Just my two cents ...


#5

[quote="Florida123, post:2, topic:252066"]
you should go to her funeral.

[/quote]

Ditto.

You'll also very much appreciate the consolation of your friends and family.


#6

Everyone grieves in their own way.

It is really your choice, and you should be comfortable in it.

If you said your goodbyes to your Grandmother, and you're comfortable with that, then I see no harm in not attending.


#7

[quote="josephback, post:1, topic:252066"]
This might be the wrong place to post in but I really don't want to go. I saw her last Tuesday (while she was still living) and said goodbye. I don't want to see her in a coffin, but it seems those around me think this is mean. Should I just ignore them and go with my gut?

[/quote]

Well I don't think its "mean" that you don't want to go. But I think you should at least try to go. If you get there and you truly can't stomach the situation, so be it. But for your own sake, I think you'll regret not going if you don't at least try.


#8

Be there for your parents.

You do not need to look in the casket.


#9

I have gone to lots of funerals, and not gone to lots. After going to one I am always pleased I did, because someone is either pleased I came or pleased to see me. After the ones I don't go to I always feel regret. I never confuse in my memory the sight of a body in a coffin with my memory of the living person. Our human response is very different once life if gone. Whatever you decide, it matters nothing beside the living relationship you had with your grandmother.


#10

[quote="Catholic90, post:8, topic:252066"]
Be there for your parents.

You do not need to look in the casket.

[/quote]

Good advice,.:thumbsup: Please go. Your family needs your support, I lost my Mom last year and our grown children were the best support my sister and I had. As Catholic 90 stated, if it really bothers you that much then no need to look in the casket.

P,S.Remember, burying the dead is a one of the works of mercy.


#11

[quote="josephback, post:1, topic:252066"]
This might be the wrong place to post in but I really don't want to go. I saw her last Tuesday (while she was still living) and said goodbye. I don't want to see her in a coffin, but it seems those around me think this is mean. Should I just ignore them and go with my gut?

[/quote]

The custom is that at the funeral Mass, the coffin is closed. The rosary and viewing are the night before, and if it is a viewing then the coffin is open. But you can sit in the family area and not go up to the coffin. Or you can skip the viewing and go to the funeral when the coffin will be closed. Go, if you can. It's not just for you, but for others. In life, there are lots of things we may not want to do, but that we should do. It's a growth experience.

Besides, the way you asked the question makes me think that perhaps someone is asking you to go and you are refusing. That would indeed be mean.

:o

Sorry about the loss of your grandmother, may your memories comfort you as you think of her.


#12

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:11, topic:252066"]
The custom is that at the funeral Mass, the coffin is closed. The rosary and viewing are the night before, and if it is a viewing then the coffin is open.

[/quote]

This depends. When DH died, we had an open casket viewing and prayer service with sharing of memories the night before, and then we also had an open casket viewing 1 hour prior to the funeral mass. That is very common in my area. Once mass starts, the coffin is closed.

That was nice, because several people tucked certain things into the casket at both the wake and right before mass.

Either way, no one is required to view the body.


#13

I think you should definitely go. Don't look inside if the casket is open (I didn't know this is a common practice in he USA) but please be there for your family. Pray for courage to do this.


#14

let those around you grieve in their own way, and you grieve in your way, but I think you will later regret you did not go to the funeral. You do not have to view the casket if you don't want to, but your presence will give immense support and comfort to your parents and the rest of the family. And you certainly want to participate in the funeral itself since praying for the dead and burying the dead are pious acts and works of mercy.


#15

I think you should suck it up and go. We have these rituals for a reason . They help the living grieve and recover. You will regret not being a part of it and growing in maturity.


#16

Go. Offer it up. She's your parent's Mom and he/she will find it more difficult than you. If others felt as you do and didn't go, no one would be at grandmom's funeral. Your parents are also probably wondering if you plan to show up when they're dead.


#17

Yes, that is HUGE thought that wanders through the minds of everyone I’ve known whose parents have died.

For example, one of my best friend’s father died last summer, and one of the daughters had a very tough time with it. She was very reluctant to help plan anything and stayed away from the much of the family. She only finally joined in when her mother insisted as her mother. This caused her mother (the wife of the deceased father) to wonder aloud if all her children would be there for her when she finally died, or only some. (and this is a family where everyone gets along!)


#18

I completely understand what you're going through and no, there is nothing at all wrong with not going to the funeral. It's not horrible, mean, or insensitive so don't let anyone tell you differently if you feel it would be too difficult for you to go. Some people just can't handle it very well and there's nothing wrong with that. I was in the same place five years ago and didn't go to my grandma's funeral. I couldn't. I have never once regretted it and I'm thankful I don't have those memories. In fact, another one of my cousins also wasn't able to attend for the same reason.

Telling someone to suck it up and go is a HORRIBLE thing to say to someone who has just lost their grandmother. It's also extremely insensitive and rude to tell someone that they should go simply to be there for their parents and to be strong for them, that it'll be harder for them than the grandchild when you don't know the situation. When my own grandma (my mom's mom) died, I was told this by my dad and my aunt (his sister) and it hurt me a lot. I was extremely close to my grandma, much more so than my mom, and it was like a slap in the face and that the overwhelming grief I was going through didn't matter. Even my mom agreed that it was very wrong for them to tell me that I needed to be strong and be there for her. In fact, that was something that made the situation so much worse for me because I got brushed aside. They ignored the one who really needed help because everyone assumed it was my mom who was the worst off and needed support when she was actually able to deal with it far better than I was. My mom never once thought it was bad that I didn't go or really thought anything of it at all. She understood.

Just my thoughts, anyway. Very, very sorry to hear about your grandma. Terrible thing to go through, I know. :(


#19

[quote="stormchasergirl, post:18, topic:252066"]
I completely understand what you're going through and no, there is nothing at all wrong with not going to the funeral. It's not horrible, mean, or insensitive so don't let anyone tell you differently if you feel it would be too difficult for you to go. Some people just can't handle it very well and there's nothing wrong with that. I was in the same place five years ago and didn't go to my grandma's funeral. I couldn't. I have never once regretted it and I'm thankful I don't have those memories. In fact, another one of my cousins also wasn't able to attend for the same reason.

Telling someone to suck it up and go is a HORRIBLE thing to say to someone who has just lost their grandmother. It's also extremely insensitive and rude to tell someone that they should go simply to be there for their parents and to be strong for them, that it'll be harder for them than the grandchild when you don't know the situation. When my own grandma (my mom's mom) died, I was told this by my dad and my aunt (his sister) and it hurt me a lot. I was extremely close to my grandma, much more so than my mom, and it was like a slap in the face and that the overwhelming grief I was going through didn't matter. Even my mom agreed that it was very wrong for them to tell me that I needed to be strong and be there for her. In fact, that was something that made the situation so much worse for me because I got brushed aside. They ignored the one who really needed help because everyone assumed it was my mom who was the worst off and needed support when she was actually able to deal with it far better than I was. My mom never once thought it was bad that I didn't go or really thought anything of it at all. She understood.

Just my thoughts, anyway. Very, very sorry to hear about your grandma. Terrible thing to go through, I know. :(

[/quote]

No one is telling the OP that they are a horrible person if they don't go. But generally speaking I have never met a person that regretted going to a funeral but I've met a lot that regretted not going.

I remember my brother refused to attend my grandfather's funeral and it was a long time before the rest of the family forgave him. He claimed he just couldn't handle it and the rest of us thought "Oh yeah, it is a walk in the park for us." His arrogance that his grief was somehow worse than ours is a wound that never healed right.

Families go through funerals together. No one minds if you have to step out of the ceremony or something like that. But it is good to try to participate as much as you can.


#20

Go.

A funeral is more for the living than for the dead, even if you don’t think you need to be there, your presence may be of great comfort to others.

Go.


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