Is it immoral to evict a friend?

About two years ago, I opened my door to a friend who had nowhere to live, after the person she was staying with had to move out of state. She’s been staying in the living room of my one bedroom apartment now for almost 2 years…at first, i had given her a few months but that dissolved into an open ended timeframe, likely because we had a good time which helped end the depression I was going through. She also stayed with me in the past but it was always short term.

For the past 7 months or so, the living situation has been very difficult. When I tried to give her 3 months to leave the other day, she basically said that she’ll make no agreement- that God would find her a place in his time. Then she lays on the guilt about how hard she prayed for me. She never paid rent since she has no money but likely has tenant right since she’s lived here so long. A local priest advised me to diplomatically draft something we could sign but she refused. She believes that God pulled her out of the world and sends her to different people’s homes to pray for them…most worldly people would scoff but she truly is a prayer warrior- her whole life is God and I did feel the power of the Spirit when she prayed for me a few times. That’s why I feel confused about why she is also being manipulative. I guess she is still a fallen human. Is it immoral to have an attorney bring a legal eviction? The priest wanted me to avoid that it seemed but I don’t really see an alternative? I would help her in any way I could…She has been a friend throughout the years when living somewhere else…

I’ve also vacillated throughout the past year on asking her to leave which has caused a lot of these problems…I’ve never been firm until now…

I’m thinking that I might give her 2 months and if nothing happens, I’ll take legal action? I’m also in NY which is a Covid hotspot although we are slowly reopening…She is 63 years old (I’m 43) and has kids but they are in Trinidad…She has no family here to take her in but she has lots of friends on the east coast who can hopefully intervene…

Besides not allowing someone to stay for 2 years, lol, what would you guys do? Thanks so much…

She’s manipulating you. It’s not immoral to talk to your attorney at all, she knows you want her to leave. She’s being breathtakingly rude, and disrespectful.

Absolutely get a letter of eviction signed. And this time when she says no, hold firm.


Thanks Lou…Unfortunately, if she won’t sign something, I think my only recourse might be going to court. I’ll have to hear what the lawyer says…thanks again…

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Not immoral in the least. You have gone expentially father than you ever had to for her.


I’m really sorry it’s happening like this, and that you might have to go to court. I know you don’t want to lose her friendship but it doesn’t seem like you really have it. A good friend wouldn’t take advantage of your kindness like she is doing. If everything does break down, that’s not on you.


Thanks Redbaron…

Thanks for the reassurance…

Messy situation. Has she not looked for a job at all in the last two years?

Also, at this point, if she did pay rent, would you be ok with her staying, or do you just want her to leave at this point?

Going to court would definitely suck, but it’s definitely not immoral.


If you’re renting, you might consider moving—without her, of course.

I’d never heard of rights simply because someone won’t leave until five years ago. My neighbor rented part of his house to a former co-worker. Three days after moving in, she quit her job, so the first month of his very reasonable rent of $100 was all he ever saw. He was stuck with her for over two years before he finally moved to another city. It was really a terrible situation. She even moved in her two children who had been living with their dad.

Thanks Socrates…she has not looked for work…i did encourage her in the beginning to search online but she said she only gets jobs through word of mouth…she had occasional work as a babysitter before Covid 19- but that only amounted to about 10 days of work within the last 12 months…She is 63 years old (I’m 43) and had heart failure about 5 years ago but her health, thank God, is good now… .I would not want rent money…just to live on my own again…:expressionless:

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Thx Minks! Oh wow…it’s really strange how these things happen but I guess that is how the law is written in many states…if someone gets their bill sent to your address and they are stating there, that somehow solidifies their identity as a “tenant”. I’m surprised your neighbor could not evict earlier if a lease was signed that was not being fulfilled?

.I own the coop…I’d love to sell anyway since my neighbor smokes, but selling could take a very long time!!

Lol! Maybe a friend would play an obnoxious friend in need, & you could set that friend up in the living room, also? :grinning: And the friend could so irritate Squatter, that Squatter would leave? :scream: :joy: That assumes, of course, that your actor friend wouldn’t also squat, but would go back home. :innocent:

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What I see:
You are most definitely being used. You are being manipulated through emotions based on your beliefs.
You have helped way more than most would have tolerated. Her being unwilling to sign anything, or try to leave tells you what you need to know. She is expecting you to support her indefinitely. At 63, there should be some program to take the financial burden off you and get her somewhere else. Your home is not a “one-nun-convent” with you as the only donor.
If she believes her duty is to live with people without helping, but while praying for them, this seems acceptable to her. Also “justifies” her loafing. It does not of course.
(I wonder if the other person she lived with moved to get away from her as well.)
Dominus vobiscum

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I’m sure you realize that she is not a friend, she’s using you. This is going to take a lawyer, and quite possibly court case.


Perhaps the coop has some rule that necessitates her leaving?


I don’t know the law where you live but ‘tenant right’?
If I understand correctly you never charged her rent and she never offered any. She entered your home as a guest and overstayed her welcome.
Consulting a lawyer is a good idea: make sure you know your rights. But I’d be surprised to learn that the mere fact of staying with you gave her any legal right to refuse eviction.

I agree with the others who’ve said she’s using you.


This is tough. If the priest knows you both is a good idea to ask for his help and maybe he could even meet with her privately or put her in touch with some catholic social service agencies. I would say this situation needs to be addresses but if possible try to find a tactful way, something that gives her a way out. For example you could say that somebody is coming and you need the place to be ready in x months, you may announce plans not to renew your own lease etc
Ps. Not sure where you live but in certain states she could have already acquired tenant rights and eviction could become a legal nightmare. I know somebody in the business of buying homes that told me paying a bonus to a tenant to leave can be less expensive than engaging in a legal battle

You are under no obligation to give your friend a home on an indefinite basis. I think your only obligation is to give her sufficient notice so that she can arrange somewhere else to stay, i.e. do not simply change the locks and leave her suitcase outside.

You could say, “I was pleased to help, and it was nice having some company for a while, but this was never intended to be a long-term arrangement, and I’d really like to have the place to myself again. I’m not saying you should move out today, but it would be great if you could find somewhere else to live within the next month.” The after a week you can say, “Have you had any luck finding somewhere to move out to?” Then after another week, “You know, I am serious about thinking that you should move out. This arrangement really isn’t working any more.” And after another week, you say, “I’m getting a bit worried that you don’t seem to be making any plans to move out. I am serious. I really do want you to leave by the end of next week.” And after another six days, you say, “I don’t want our friendship to end this way, but if you don’t go, I’m going to initiate legal proceedings.”

Also, my guess is that your friend has problems of some kind, such as borderline personality disorder, so you may want to see if she can get some help.

But the bottom line is, you are not required to give her a home for life.


It’s entirely possible, depending on state law.


If she had been honest up front and said ‘I am moving in, I won’t be finding work or paying any rent, and it will be for 2 years. What do you think?’ This is the immoral action, the dishonesty of it. She already was in this pattern when she gave you a story that seemed to most people, reasonable. The truth of it is no where near what you agreed to.

I appreciate the kindness of the others on this thread to be tactful but in my mind, tact was tried and got you no where. Stronger measures are next.

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