Is it ok to allow myself to love?


#1

There is a young man that I consider a best friend. We’ve known each other for many years (kindergarten +) and have became much closer friends since high school started.

By the title of this post, you can tell it’s becoming more than just a friendship. I have another thread that I posted and i’ll put the link to it below.

We are friends as of now, I haven’t told him any of this yet, but im finding myself becoming more and more attracted to who he is and his relationship with God as the days go by. We’ve spent almost every week this school year going to 6:30 a.m Mass once a week before school. We’ve hung out a few times alone. A walk in the park one time, another time we got down to some good old-fashion video games

I am getting the gut feeling that he’s part of my future as my husband. I am well aware of the hormones and such that go on but I am one with pretty good intuition and i’m praying daily for him, my HTB, and that God guides me. I just feel God’s presence around him and I have the gut feeling he’s the one.

I’m doing my best to control the emotions and not let them cloud my judgment. I know this guy has some interest in me as well. (Although i doubt its nearly the same as I have for him) it won’t be much longer before we date, I can tell.

My one issue (is it even an issue?) is I’ve been getting this desire to love him. Is that ok? I’m not “in love”… yet. I just want to let myself freely love. More so in a spiritual sense vs a mental/emotional one. I’m not sure what im trying to say. Im just getting this deep connection with him and I want to just allow myself to become a little more vulnerable with him. (not in a physical sense!). is this ok? Im not letting these hormones control me, but something is blossoming in me. What is this?

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=1001612


#2

As usual for a girl, you are over thinking the relationship. Enjoy his company. You are allowed to love. You are allowed to day dream. You are allowed to hope. But enjoy life as well. Remember that your common sense knows the reality of your youth and that first loves are often doomed to tears. Where would romance novels be without this.
Keep it simple, and keep it light. Grow with him in the love of God and allow each other to take yourselves on the same journey to Him. Common values come from the same Catholic belief structure and these are the basis of a good marriage.
Slow and steady. Open opportunities by suggesting outings you might both enjoy. These outings can easily become dates without the poor sucker realising it. LOL.
Have fun!


#3

:smiley: Good advice!


#4

All of this! :arrow_up:

OP, you have many threads about the same guy. In all of them, you try to sound like everything is light and all, but I truly think you are in love with the idea of being in love. You want to be in love and it appears to take up a large chunk of your thinking.

As I said on the thread you linked in your OP, slow down. Don’t worry about what it is called, or try to slap a label on it, whether it is friend, dating, or boyfriend. Just enjoy it and see where it goes.


#5

yeah, i know. There were some posts saying in other threads to just tell him and go for it and others saying to just wait and see how it goes. I’m not absolutely thinking marriage into this. right now he is only a potential bf and not htb. I only have a feeling but i know its not definite until later on when I’ll know better whether he is or isnt.

I had planned on telling him how i felt soon but do you think I should just wait? Thats really the main reason ive posted this last post. I had a plan (that im shy about following) on the 29 i invited him to a baseball game with my family and i told myself if we go to our shrine one saturday before then that i’d tell him… which we are doing.

I want him to take the lead as you said on my other thread. and then other posts were saying i should let him know how i feel. Do you think I should wait until he takes the lead?


#6

I’d say just tell the guy! He might be agreeable to dating.

I married my first girlfriend- and we started going-steady when I was 15 and she was 14. I’m 25 now and have two kids.

There was a huge plus in getting to know each other so closely at such a young age: we kinda grew up together and it seems like you two already are doing that in some respects.

Tell him! Tell him!


#7

What would change if you told him? You would still be friends hopefully.

I wouldn’t say anything, but that’s just me. I don’t think a label is necessary at this point. If you want him to lead, you have to wait. What could happen is that he sees you as a comfortable friend that he really enjoys spending time with. What if that is all he wants from you? You can say it won’t change anything, but it would.

Would I give the same advice to a 25 year old? Probably not. But at your age, you have a lot ahead of you yet. Finishing high school, going to college, figuring out what you want to do with your life…

And one other thing. While I think it’s great that you asked him to go to a ball game with your family, telling him your feelings at a shrine seems a bit contrived to me. This is not someone proposing marriage in a place that has special meaning. To tell him your feelings at the shrine seems a bit like you are “using” the shrine to touch his emotions.


#8

I’ve got one bit of foot-dragging advice to throw out to you. If you tell him, some of the mystique about you drops.

What I mean is that a lot of what is interesting to a guy when he goes after a girl is the unknown of whether he will win her or not. If you self-deliver he might not try as hard? I don’t know. I don’t want to say for sure because everyone’s a bit different, but I’d stay coy if I was you. Just keep adding hints. Nothing more fun than getting a long string of hints to follow along. Sort of like a good mystery read with lots of clues along the way. Makes it more thrilling. Instead of getting the ending handed to you when maybe you’re not even ready.

So my aim would be for hints. Never anything outright. Especially if you think you might be ahead of him in the deep feeling department.

So next thing is, what is a hint? Well it’s eye contact. It’s that slight smile you give just him. It’s the accidental touching of his hand. It’s saying things like, “You are a really nice guy to know.” or “I admire your spiritual strength.” or “You are a real gentleman.” or “I like it when you…”

You know. Hints. :slight_smile:

You can always come back to us later if none of that works. :wink:

Peace youngster. (that makes me feel old saying that lol)

-Trident


#9

no no. it wasn’t going to be at the shrine. it would’ve been at the ball game. the shrine was something that i just always wanted to go to for a few months now and it was just kinda a heads or tails kinda thing for me. If we went I would tell him sometime in the near future if not at the ball game. Things would change, but i know we’d still be friends. it will probably be different either way, I may not say anything say this or next month. But i don’t want to end high school and end up going to different colleges without him knowing. I would regret it much more than if i say anything and he doesn’t want anything more than a friendship.

I know you said you wouldnt’ say anything, And i’m thinking I’ll just wait a little longer. But for me it’d be worth the risk. For me, this friendship kind of started from a crush that i never realized I had until we started being closer friends. I would regret not saying anything. I would go crazy thinking “what if”. If he were to get into an accident and die, I would regret not ever telling him and he being gone. You are right on the slow it down part, I do agree. Thus, I’ll take the pressure off of myself and wait.

As for my future, I have a plan. Obviously, God knows and everything I plan may not go how I’d like, but I’m already set on what i’m majoring in. Finishing high school won’t be a struggle for me, next year it may feel like it but school comes easy for me even in my advance courses. College, I’m going to look into scholarships and such and hopefully go to college thats close to home to save money. They offer a degree in ASL which is what I am planing on majoring in. I’m not disagreeing with what you said, but I have made an outline of what I want to do and how.

I appreciate what you’ve said though. I’m going to continue praying to God about His plan. For Him to reveal when we both meet eye to eye. I’ll slow down more and take my time. But at somepoint before we separate for college (unless we end up going to the same one) I want to take the chance. It’s worth the risk, for me.


#10

haha thanks a lot. I love that! how you worded it i mean. As for the “peace youngster”, that was my intention ;). and if you look at the original post i refered to this person as a “young man”. I have a very interesting lingo. I even use the wod “groovy” in a typical conversation like in the '70s :smiley:


#11

Hi! As a fellow teenage girl, I know exactly how you feel. I just recently had to let go of a guy I’d known for a few years and rather thought I would marry (long story). One thing that helped me work out how relationships work in my life was the book “Emotional Virtue”, by Sarah Swafford. Please, please, please, look it up and read it. It really helps the reader better figure out how relationships should work, and it’s not all rainbows and bunny rabbits. It’s really grounded in Catholicism, and it may help you figure out how to approach this better. :slight_smile:

As far as what to do, remember that love is not actually an emotion; it’s the willingness to sacrifice for the sake of another. You seem to be aware of this, based on your post, I just wanted to remind you. :slight_smile: I disagree with Trident H, in that hints can go wrong. Some guys don’t pick up on what they’re supposed to, and some guys take it wrong. My personal opinion: Write a letter that spells it all out. That way you can give him some time to react if he needs it, rather than put him on the spot. Good luck and God bless!


#12

Hawk. I like you too much to let you get away with this. :wink:

Writing a letter is Bad. Capital. B. Bad. Sorry.

It’s too risky. Words don’t pass emotions along very well. There’s room to slip the wrong idea of how desperate the situation is. There’s the embarrassment of how he’s supposed to answer. Does he write back? Does he have to call her? Will the next meeting be awkward? You bet it will. And if it all blows up in your face? You’ve still got that letter floating around. Somewhere. Maybe getting read by who knows who?

So if a guy doesn’t get the hints? Deepen them. If that still doesn’t work? Talk to him slowly about it. Use vague terms. If that still doesn’t work then go concrete. There’s a lot of space between here and there and no real rush (I know, old people say that, but it’s true). I mean think about it this way: if he likes you, he’ll pick up on hints as encouragement and keep going from there. If he doesn’t like you that way? Well then you sort of have to get him to start somehow right? But mailing yourself to his address isn’t the first step on that path. That’s more a last gasp effort.

Have fun with him. Guys are simple creatures. No need to become simple yourself too. :slight_smile:

Peace Hawk.

-Trident


#13

Gotta say, I agree with this. :thumbsup: Nothing needs to be said in a letter at this stage of the game, no need to express your feelings so purposefully and exactly. Save that for when you you are clearly in a relationship that you know is going to be lasting.

Don’t make yourself look back years from now, heck, maybe even months from now and say :bigyikes: what was I thinking saying all that?

Trident likes to pretend he is a simple guy, and maybe he us. But he does seem to understand relationship dynamics. :thumbsup:


#14

This is very helpful. I like having a guy’s perspective on this. what and how you said makes the most sense for me. Ive started writing some letters to God about this. (beginninng of the school year I started writing to him, then realized how foolish it was. Started up some letters in february to my HTB which was better, but ended up stopping because of my feelings toards thiis guy. I realized it wasnt asmart idea to do that either. so now they are to the man upstairs) this is really good advice though. all you guys helped but this gives me a better idea.


#15

Thanks Irishmom. :slight_smile:

And ah. I’m about as simple as they come. :wink: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley:

-Trident


#16

Thanks for that. Hope it works out!

Good luck. And keep us posted hey? Some of us worry. And stuff. :blush: :wink:

Peace.

-Trident


#17

Thanks guys! I hadn’t thought of that. I’ve seen Princess Bride one too many times, and now I’m a romantic. :stuck_out_tongue: Anyway, I’m definitely taking this into account for my own life (and will soon be chasing down a mail truck…just kidding. This time).

Trident, I see what you mean about the hints. I just have problems with those, because I always read too far into EVERYTHING. Multiple choice tests are the bane of my existence because of this - “What if they meant in a situation with a penguin?!” So, I tend to think that others pick up (or don’t pick up) stuff I’m layin’ down, even if they aren’t or are. See, I’m already confusing myself. XD I just have to refine my skills, I guess. :smiley:

Irishmom, I was just looking back at some old emails I wrote to a guy, and I kept cringing. Point taken. XD

Thanks again, guys!


#18

overthinking/analyzing/feeling is a curse we girls have. (love that movie btw)

I understand your burden :thumbsup:


#19

The and stuff really adds to that.

in reference to keeping you updated, how so? just with questions. how things are between us? things like him trying to see my drama show performance for school? All of the above and then some?


#20

Had to laugh about that. You and me both. Can’t tell you how many times I was in line after getting my test score. How many times I’d shake my head as I told my prof, “Ah, but what if you look at it from this angle? Like if you turned the paper sideways. Then I’d be right, yeah?” And he’d be like: :ehh: “And WHY would anyone read it that way?” :shrug:

Yeah, I know what you’re saying. And I know guys are dense. But so is limestone. Yet under slow and steady persistent pressure you can get marble.

Of course I don’t know what you’d want with a big piece of marble. But that’s not the point. :shrug:

Now I’m on a tangent. Now I’m thinking about playing marbles. Or maybe about the ones rolling around in my head. Yeah. See guys have heads full of marbles so you ah, no that’s not gonna help here.

Sorry.

What I do know is that guys do eventually like girls. They do figure that out with time. And the ones they like best are usually the ones who are friendly to them. But not too easy to pin down. Still has to be a bit of a thrill of the unknown. Depends on the guy for sure. Some are cough deeper seas than others.

But I mean a sly fox gets a horde of hunters. On horseback. With dogs and everything.

Or something. Maybe now I’m the one being the romantic. :rolleyes:

Thanks for always being such a good sport. :slight_smile:


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