My husband broke his marriage vows when for the past four years he received VERY explicit lap dances at a strip club. He apologized for hurting me, but said he sees nothing wrong with what he did (other than hurting me). Since he told me four months ago, he has done NOTHING to make me feel secure. No affection, dinners, second honeymoons, flowers, etc. I was told there are two reasons for his lackadaisicle attitude. Either he no longer loves me, or he is still cheating on me. I bought a real-time GPS - a gadget I am supposed to hide in his truck to track, in real time, his whereabouts. I only intend to use it for about 3 months. I need to know if he is telling the truth when he said he no longer goes to strip clubs. What do you think?
What do you think?
I think you have a severe communication breakdown with your husband and could benefit greatly if both of you could get some outside help. Sneaking around with gadgets like James Bond isn’t confronting the problem.
If he is indeed going to strip clubs when he says he isn’t, the GPS will give you the proof you need to catch him in his lie. But sneaking off to strip clubs is not the problem, it’s a symptom of the problem.
This is your problem: “He apologized for hurting me, but said he sees nothing wrong with what he did (other than hurting me).” He sees nothing wrong with him – a married man – receiving “very explicit lap dances at a strip club”??? The two of you need to go to marriage counseling, pronto, with or without the GPS evidence.
*red and bolded for emphasis, mine…
Agree with you*
I agree with others that you need counseling–both of you together or if necessary you alone. Speak to your priest about finding a Catholic counselor or at least one who will help you work to mend your marriage not break it up.
If he has already been unfaithful and is not repentant, there is no value to you in knowing more about exactly where he is when. Speak to him about how you can build up your marriage. Perhaps Retroville (sp?) or something similar would help.
Did your husband give you gifts like this before the infidelities? If not, then that is not the kind of person he is. If he is not a gift giver you cannot force him to be one.
Put the GPS in only if it is legal and then if you are willing to live with what you find, good or bad.
Go to counseling with a Catholic - a priest or another orthodox practicing catholic.
I am a sneaky person and I would use the GPS to track down your husband like a dog.lol.
But then if you find out he is cheating on you… what are you going to do next?
Confronting him doesn’t work because he will get real angry with you about using the GPS on him. I think your marriage is in serious trouble and you both need counseling to find out what is really going on.
We all need to pray for you and your husband.
It sounds like you are using the GPS to confirm what you already know. I would be careful and really question if you really want to know what goes on. Ignorance is bliss after all.
Also the main issue is that you can’t trust your husband and he is behaving like a pig, but you already know this so I am not sure what you will learn with a GPS.
We’ve been in counseling for four months. But I’m stuck with, “I saw nothing wrong with it. I promise never to do it again.”
*Sometimes, we have to meet people where they are. If this is what he’s saying, then meet him there. Do you go to mass/read the Bible together? Pray together? If he is looking for someone to tell him it’s wrong in the secular world, he won’t find it. So, maybe that is where he is drawing his signals from…but, when we immerse ourselves in Scripture, attend mass regularly, pray together as couples, do Catholic ‘things’ together as couples, we look at our sin life as just that, sinful. We stop making excuses for the behavior. We SEE how our behavior hurts those we love. We can’t serve man and God. One or the other will take a backseat. I’d work on working holy activities into your marriage, beyond counseling. See if that changes the behavior.
But, for now, meet him where he is. Help him grow in holiness. If he is trying to help you trust him…he shouldn’t be disappearing into the night leaving you wondering where he is. Even if he’s disappearing to spend time with the guys…your marriage needs attention, he needs to be spending as much time home at night as possible. Sounds like that could be why you don’t trust him…because he sounds like he isn’t around, when he should be. Everyone should have their own friends in marriage, but when a marriage is in trouble, it needs the undivided attention of BOTH spouses. I hope things get better.*
To follow up on WG’s post, I’d suggest you read Fr. Dubay’s “Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer”.
*e3342, I think too what you’re wanting from your husband is this type of apology:
"I am sorry I did this, IT WAS WRONG, I won’t do it again.’’ The fact that he is not saying ‘it was wrong,’ is what is troubling you. I don’t blame you. My husband, earlier in our marriage, would say apologies…like ‘‘I’m sorry you’re upset.’’ Um, not satisfactory. lol What kind of an apology is that? :o So, I know where you are coming from, but again, sometimes, you have to take people where they are. Your husband IS sorry. He just doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did. But, he is sorry for hurting you, I imagine. Your concern is that if he doesn’t see the wrongness, he’s apt to doing it again. (not a bad assumption)
But, the fact that you still suspect something, tells me he is disappearing for hours, when he should be with you. Is the strip club situation being brought up in counseling? What does the counselor think, if I may ask? *
It is clear from your many, many posts about this subject that you cannot forgive your husband and have deep anger towards him. It feels like your actually hoping to catch him cheating so you can berate him more.
Either forgive him and seek to heal your marriage or leave and live apart. Continuing to torture him daily and behave so hatefully towards him is not good for either of you.
I’m not condoning his actaions, but I am calling you out in your reaction.
word for word perfect.
I’m sorry, but if I were him, this slap in the face (using a gps???) is about as big a breach of trust as…Oh, I don’t know…getting a lap dance?
I’m no authority, but I used ATT’s family mapping feature (which I also use to keep track of my 13 year old), to find out what I already knew - that my husband of 9 years and father of our 2 children was stikk involved with his 3 year mistress.
We were in Catholic counseling and he swore that they broke it off. But I had a feeling. So I found out for myself. I was tired of being deceived.
We’re separated now and I’m in individual counseling and attend a group each week at church.
Knowledge is key. If he’s lying, you’ll know (and have proof), if not, you’ll be able to start to begin to trust him again.
How would you find out the reason for his wishy washy attitude? It’s either he’s still cheating or he has fallen out of love. I need to know the truth. I can’t go on accepting things as they are. He has lied to me a few times since telling me about the lap dances. He sometimes still has times where he is unaccounted for. What would YOU do in this situation?
Did he treat you the same way? And by that I mean, no romance, nothing to make you feel secure?
Haha, well I don’t think there’s anything immoral about using a GPS device to track your husband.
Of course, if you do find his truck parked outside strip clubs, how are you going to confront him? “Oh, hi honey, I have been keeping track of everything you do with GPS, I think we should really go to counseling” That would make you seem insane in his eyes.
I don’t know what you should do. A lap dance, while terrible, is not an affair. It’s not like he fell in love with another woman and had a relationship with her. Are you seeing a therapist individually?
Feeling up those “skanks”? Fallen out of love with you?
Do you have any idea what male sexual nature is? Male sexual nature is very different to female natures. He was enticed by the phyical-not mental. That’s why when a man falls-masturbation, strip club, etc, he is giving into a phyiscal urge much more different than then an emotional one. And NO I am not justifying what he did. He could still very, very much be in love with you.
Male Sexual nature is night and day different than female nature. We can talk about later sometime if you wish.
What would I do? I would 1) realize that there is a HUGE difference between strip club dances and emotional, drawn out “affiars.” 2) I would realize he is a man, and sometimes men do stupid things like this because they often times are quite stimulated by the visual. 3) I would calm down and pray for him. 4) I would realize all the good times we have had together. 5) I would attempt to build up trust again. Using a GPS is a slap in the face to him. If he just goes to work and back, etc, then finds out you were tracking him, or, what if he stops at a flower shop and you don’t know that and freak out when is late? 6) I would get a good, understanding, and non man hating therapist.
Ma’am? I am not trying to sound rude, I feel for you, but I really think that the GPS thing is way out of line.