Is it ok to withhold marital relations if spouse is abusive


#1

Is it ok to withhold marital realtions if your spouse is mentally abusive and sexually degrading or is withholding a sin in itself?


#2

Withholding sex to get back at a spouse is not wise nor effective. What good will it do? Make him change his behavior? How would withholding sex make any difference? Instead, seek out a marriage counselor to get to the reason for such abuse. If the abuse is violent, though, don’t try to fix it, but call in the authorities for your own protection.


#3

[quote="mommy2six, post:1, topic:238718"]
Is it ok to withhold marital realtions if your spouse is mentally abusive and sexually degrading or is withholding a sin in itself?

[/quote]

I would find a shelter if I were you, and....despite what anyone else tells you. look at getting a divorce. No woman should live under these conditions. If he is being sexually degrading in practice, there is a case for marital rape. Punishable by prison. I would call a shelter or a helpline and get their opinon. sincere prayers for you. And no. You are not sinning. If anyone comes on here and says you are. I will gladly argue your case. :signofcross:


#4

Thank you for your reply and support. I guess, I don't know how far is too far and what is me just being overly sensitive. He doesn't force me, he just makes life unbearable until I give in, then I feel disgusting, but I am supposed to be "open" to marital relations and if I'm not then am i just fueling the his frustration? I was told once unless he is physically beating me, I should trust in God and be open to him, but I feel like when I do finally give in, it steals some of my spirit each time. When should the line be drawn?


#5

[quote="mommy2six, post:4, topic:238718"]
Thank you for your reply and support. I guess, I don't know how far is too far and what is me just being overly sensitive. He doesn't force me, he just makes life unbearable until I give in, then I feel disgusting, but I am supposed to be "open" to marital relations and if I'm not then am i just fueling the his frustration? I was told once unless he is physically beating me, I should trust in God and be open to him, but I feel like when I do finally give in, it steals some of my spirit each time. When should the line be drawn?

[/quote]

My dear sister. the line should have been drawn yesterday. Mental and emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse. And he is using coerscion to have relationships with you. I would not go to a priest at his point, I would call a womans shelter and talk with a councillor. Even if there is no beatings going on, you ARE in an abusive relationship. You are in the right here. I can hear in your post how your suffering. :( I for one. would strongly encourage you to leave. And if he is being this way to the Children. Take them too. Sincere prayers for you. :signofcross:


#6

If you are feeling disgusted than saying no is not wrong. Please give yourself the same advice you would give a beloved sister or friend. My prayers are with you.


#7

While I agree withholding sex is unlikely to be beneficial, I think by the sound of it, it’s far too late for counselling.

mommy - I would leave him and move to a parents/friends house, or an emergency shelter. You should not have to tolerate living in abusive conditions, especially if you have children. The Church would support you in this. Your main concern right now is the welfare of yourself and the children - do you want them to witness this?


#8

It begs the question: Why are you staying with a man who is abusive?


#9

[quote="mommy2six, post:1, topic:238718"]
Is it ok to withhold marital realtions if your spouse is mentally abusive and sexually degrading or is withholding a sin in itself?

[/quote]

It is OK to separate, It is OK to divorce, it is OK to seek a decree of nullity if applicable - this is all in accordance with the statement on Domestic Violence by the USCCB.

Reading this statement changed my life I hope it helps you. Please no one is expected to stay in an abusive situation - it is simply not Catholic teaching.


#10

Please get yourself and your children to a safe place. Emotional abuse is harmful-been through it for many years with my ex-husband and still struggling with my self-worth. And I am an air force veteran and reservist-yet now my VA disability claim is pending. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety-I think I have moderate anxiety-along with mild aspergers-and none caused by the air force but by many years of my ex, his family, and my own father ganging up against me. Thankfully, my friends, church, air force family, and a few family members were there for me and kept me from losing my sanity. One or two former in-laws were also there for me and my children. I have no mom-she is deceased-yet God provided a lifeline through the air force community in my case. I am sharing my story in hopes that maybe by hearing my side, it will give you courage to reach out for help and support-and to do what must be done to restore your peace of mind. Sounds like your husband is very manipulative. I really hope and pray that you have a support system to get you over this hurdle-no one deserves to be treated in a negative manner. I am still struggling with my self-worth and still must deal with my ex since my kids are underage yet am looking forward to a time when I never have to deal with him again. Support network and therapy helps some yet in my case, I am not sure if I will ever be 100 %. Abusive relationships are similar to post-traumatic stress syndrome. I have dealt with some tough things, including port mortuary stuff yet my ex broke me to a point-please don’t let your husband do this to you. If he really loves you, he would not treat you so badly all the time or at least get counseling to work through his issues to save the marriage. Please don’t let your husband beat you down anymore. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.:hug3::crossrc::blessyou:


#11

sounds like he is acting like a little immature child and treating your body like a piece of his property.
This is profoundly disrespectful of you, and damaging to your psychological well being and if you are in that much distress having sex it tells me you are feeling very used and are being used. As far as I am concerned, if you have every right to withhold sex if you want. .


#12

A dear friend went through this for too long: each time hating herself worse and worse and him even more. It was a spiritual death-spiral that she left too long and too late.

It is not a sin. NO.

Relationships are far too complicated to analyze in a forum like this.

Is there *any *way you can help him to not be so horrifically repulsive?

Get help, dear. Please.


#13

Benidict is right. This is coercion. Marital abuse is also not in a priest’s expertise- though they can advise you in regards to separation, divorce, anulment proceedings, etc- and how the abuse is affecting your spiritual life. You should definitely get counseling. If he refuses to go with you, then seek it for yourself. People always talk of emergency shelters, but I do know that women often feel like it is too extreme of a step for them to have to make in the beginning. Start with the counseling, even if it is simply calling the domestic abuse hotline at first. Baby steps.

I will keep you in my prayers.


#14

Gosh, I am a little overwhelmed at the responses. I am new hear and didn’t expect to see so much. @Della, it’s not withholding out of spite, it’s more because of feeling like “inspiritcarol” describe. It feels like a piece of my spirit is dying everytime I submit and “atleast try to fake it.” Someone else wrote about a shelter and that being a big step. Yes, it is, I am the mother to six children with no family within 500 miles of me. I live in a large metro area, the shelters are full and not terribly safe for a large family of small children. I have tried counseling when i had insurance for it. He gave me a lot of flack, bc I was wasting his time by having him watch the kids while I was going to counseling and the counseling “didn’t even change me” I pray so much. I just don’t feel like I can spiritually handle much more. Anymore, it’s hard to tell where my problems end and his begin. Thanks for the prayers and those of you that have gotten out of abusive relationships, I am happy you made it out and I will pray for your healing!


#15

[quote="InspiritCarol, post:12, topic:238718"]
A dear friend went through this for too long: each time hating herself worse and worse and him even more. It was a spiritual death-spiral that she left too long and too late.

It is not a sin. NO.

Relationships are far too complicated to analyze in a forum like this.

Is there *any *way you can help him to not be so horrifically repulsive?

Get help, dear. Please.

[/quote]

I have tried to explain to him that his actions are repulsive, I feel degraded, and he is teaching our children such things. It just doesn't seem to phase him. He won't go to counsseling or a priest, retrovaille, nothing.


#16

It’s chilling how much you sound like my dear friend. She prayed SO HARD for so long… but her husband was so hard-hearted. Even if he’d try for a day or two, it would be business as usual in short order.

It started with post-partum depression for her. He just didn’t understand she needed the extra help. He was a pig. Period.

Here’s the thing; and I’m not saying you have the same situation here. Maybe our prayers can help you, maybe God can send an angel… With my friend, she lost herself so far down that hole that none of us even understood she was in, that by the time she broke, she was utterly shattered and unable to care for herself, let alone her children.

She is currently wandering … lost… unable to even make her way here for help. Her husband has the children, but since I sided with my friend, I have no way of helping the children now.

500 miles is not that far, if you can remotely swing it: go to where you can get real help, not just a band-aid. Do *not *let fear or pride stop you. Perhaps … is he the kind of man who might be swayed by seeing this thread? My friend’s husband would just amplify the abuse at such a sight.

May St. Joseph, the patron saint of families and premium example of what it means to be a real man and husband; pray for you and help you to find the right path; perhaps open your husband’s eyes…


#17

God bless you Mommy of six. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that you will find the courage to take care of yourself. I know from experience that God does send his angels to help out. Yours are on their way. Take heart.


#18

Mommy of six, have you spoken to a priest about this? Is it that what he asks of you is truly bad or that you don’t feel it’s all right to do? You have a family and six children. Is he good to you as a family or is he truly abusive? Is it just personal distaste on your part or truly wrong? Please don’t try to answer us here about such personal matters, but do talk to your priest–or if you’re too embarrassed seek out a priest who isn’t one of your pastors of your parish. You may be bothered about nothing or this may be extremely serious–you need to have confirmation from a reliable spiritual director to know that. You and your family have my prayers.


#19

No. There is a socalled marriage debt… that is you try to keep each other sexually satisfied within reason. However all that can and should only take place within a context of love and respect. From what you describe, I don’t think at all that you should be having sex with your husband until he has repented and changed his ways so that your conjugal life can again be authentically unitive.


#20

It's not wrong to leave your marriage in an abusive situation.


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