I feel like I’m being forced towards priesthood. I’m 24, and I discerned it a lot when I was around 21, after getting out of a long-term relationship. Almost everyone who knows me would agree that I’d make an excellent priest, as I am very outgoing, often preach passionately and give great advice. However, my discernment never really escalated into anything, and I thought I was perhaps rushing into it as a result of a few things in my life. I have since pursued a life of traditional living instead (working, looking for a girlfriend, etc).
The problem is that I feel God is sabotaging my efforts to live the life I want. Health problems forced me to quit my job, and I have since lost a lot of passion for my career field. Furthermore, every effort I make to date women eventually goes sour (which makes me really depressed and lonely). My health is also making me less sociable and lazy in my search for women.
While this may sound pathetic, I have absolutely no problem talking to women. I know a lot of them (I’m very outgoing). I’ve had instances where I was even approached by women and asked on a date. However, I didn’t find myself attracted (physically or emotionally) to them. Perhaps I’m too picky or am excersizing an unhealthy high standard (like some of my friends joke), but I really don’t think so. The women I do like never seem to be into me.
There was this one girl, just a few years younger than me, came from a very good family that I knew, who I found myself eventually very fond of, because we had known eachother as friends for a long time. She was in every way everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. My friends and family agreed. We both started to have feelings for eachother, and I was over the moon in happiness. I asked her on a date, and she accepted. But after thinking about it and figuring out people were gossiping about the prospect of us dating (perhaps presenting it in a negative light to her), she got freaked out and backed away. This really hurt me. We’re still good friends as we managed to get past the awkwardness, and I feel that she’s still interested in me, so I still have hope, yet some people/things are convincing her otherwise.
Perhaps I’m wrong to blame God for this. I don’t really blame Him, although I do wish he would help me in living the vocation my heart is now set for. I’ve prayed for assistance, that He would lead to a woman right for me, who would make me happy. In a way, He did, yet it failed for reasons out of my control. My failed attempts at coining a meaningful relationship with women continue. I’m doing everything right, yet it seems that there’s always some invisible force stopping me from acheiving what I want. Again I feel God is perhaps setting me up for priesthood, but dare I say, I don’t want it now. I feel I’d be much happier as a married man with children, and being the ‘priest’ of my household instead. I want this so badly. I’m lonely! Yet I’m convinced God does not agree with it.