I find myself committing sins of thought. I say sins, but sometimes they are just bad/evil thoughts which I do not like, have no desire to dwell on, and wish they just weren’t there. But at the same time, I don’t always seek to banish them immediately. It’s like I let some of them sit some of the time, because perhaps they fit with my mental state. Let me explain further.
I’ll give an example: when I am in the kitchen with my mum, sometimes she irritates me, often because she doesn’t hear what I am saying, or I don’t understand what she is saying, or I think she is fussing, or whatever, and I’ll have these evil thoughts. Many times I won’t seek to banish them immediately, and I let them sit there, adding to my irritation. I think this is something I really need to work on.
But my question is, is it possible to be scrupulous and lax at the same time? The reason I ask is because, although there wasn’t a desire to sin grievously at the time, I still feel there was sin there, and then I wonder if it was a mortal sin, to which my answer is, I couldn’t be sure. But then I think, maybe I am lax, because maybe I don’t take the sins of thought seriously enough, such that I would realise that it *was *grave matter and do something about it, rather than let evil thoughts linger in my mind to match my mental state at the time, e.g. annoyance/agitation etc…?